Please welcome the newest addition to the Undergrad Rag staff: Buffy Beaverhausen!
Buffy is: a Junior at the University of Texas (OMG best school ever!) and is the social chair for Delta Chi Theta. Whooo! Delta Chi!
Majors in: Tourism and Hospitality Management
Area of expertise: Throwing killer, classy parties, and making all the boyz work for it J
You can contact Buffy by: Opening some watermelon vodka anywhere in TX!
If you’re not in college, odds are you don’t enjoy the wild fun and socially acceptable whore-ish behavior that is the hallmark of any good keg party. It is a rare, beautiful thing that only happens in fraternity basements and trash strewn backyards. The only thing that can make a kegger lame is a drooling mouth-breather like, totally invading your space. So, with that in mind, here are some helpful hints to turn perverts into players:
1) You might have to accept the fact that you’re ugly – Don’t be sad about it, lots of people are ugly. I mean, not me, buts lots of other people are. Just remember that it is not an insurmountable obstacle. Countless celebrities have totally traded in the classical ideal of “Beauty” for the more universally appealing “Sexy.” Lady Gaga, David Caruso (CSI Miami), Katy Perry, James Spader (the asshole in that movie “Jade”), even Ernest Borgnine.
WHAAAAAA! Dun! Dun!...to be fair though, anyone looks sexy after an entrance to The Who
They all know it’s not how you look, but the way you present yourself. It also helps to have, like, a shit load of cash and nice clothes…but presentation is key is what I’m saying. So just remember, at a kegger, you are whoever you present yourself to be. Keep reading to find out how to neutralize your hideous appearance.
2) No one wants to talk to you – Once again, try not to take this too personally honey. The guests at these functions aren’t exactly the wine and cheese crowd, no one will be discussing politics unless they spent the last three hours doing coke in the upstairs bedroom and they accidentally get into a conversation with a mirror. If people wanted to talk we wouldn’t need a keg, industrial sized speakers, and enough liquor to drown a horse (which, as we found out one night, is a lot more liquor then you would think).
Not the place for a soul searching discussion.
So to all the hipsters: I don’t care who your favorite author is, and no I don’t think the music here is lame. To all the frat boys: I don’t want to hear about the new sorority “I Felta Thi” and maintain a distance of at least two feet at all times because you smell like you bathed in Aqua Velva and Whiskey. To all the mouth breathers: Give up. Go home. We won’t dance, we won’t kiss, and odds are no one will have sex with you for quite some time.
3) Dancing is for those who can dance – If you can dance, that is freaking awesome. There are like no guys who really know how to dance anymore, it should really set you apart. However, be realistic about your skill level. If you amble up behind me and just start jean-humping, I’m going to pour my drink on you. Try coming up to the girl of your interest and actually dance facing her, with some space in between your bodies. Once you’ve proven you can keep a beat and look like you know what you’re doing, the odds increase in your favor like a million percent. Also, if you can break dance, do the robot, or any other specialty dancing that requires only one person, keep that shit to a minimum. People will form a circle so you can bust a move once, maybe twice, in a night. After that you just look like a douche bag.
This guy is cool for the first five minutes. Then he usually runs out of moves.
4) Creepers never go home with anyone – This really shouldn’t require any further explanation. For anyone who has ever been to a college party, let me ask you a question. You know that guy who spends the whole night leering at dancing girls, occasionally attempting to dance with them only to get rejected again and again? Of course you do, there is at least one at every party. No one has ever had sex with that guy. It, like, just never ever worked. If you want to go to a party, don’t go alone, it automatically make you that guy. Have someone to talk to and drink with, or stay home and play WoW.
The only female entity that will waste time on you.
5) Grinding is not an introduction – We touched on this before in the dancing portion, but this is important to remember if you ever want to share your bed with me, or anyone as stunningly gorgeous as I am. Grinding is not a way to say “hello,” it’s the precursor to making out, which is the precursor to…you know. Wait for the woman to initiate the grind, trust me, its not subtle guys. You’ll know we want to do it when we plant our butt right onto your crotch. Until then, assume we don’t. ‘Cause even if you’re hot, starting with the grind is usually a deal breaker.
6) Jungle Juice is for the ladies – Frats may be mostly comprised of knuckle dragging gym jockeys who would sooner hit you with a car then respect your feelings (sorry, I just had a rough break up), but they know how to cater to their female party goers. Beer is for you, guys. Liquor is for all of us. Jungle Juice/Punch/Fruity soda mixed with Everclear (whatever you want to call it), is for the ladies. Beer makes us bloated, and doesn’t get us drunk fast enough to blame all our bad decisions on it. If you are drinking the Jungle Juice it says two distinct things about you: 1) You are a pussy who can’t handle the taste of real alcohol and 2) You have basically taken a drink away from the female population at the party, which means you are so stupid you don’t grasp the correlation between drunk women and your chances of getting laid.
7) You can guess a girl’s intentions by what she is wearing – This isn’t rocket science guys. If you see someone in a SCUBA outfit you don’t think “leisurely stroll through the desert.” So you shouldn’t see a girl in a cardigan sweater and jeans and think “Oh, she wants it. She wants it bad.” The girl in the mini-skirt and the tube top is looking for action. The girl with the long pants and thick top probably just got dragged out by her friends. The only thing she wants is to have some tea and go to bed, not your penis. Side Note: Halloween has slightly different rules. Any girl who dresses as the sexy version of a profession that is not typically sexy (Ninja, Prison Guard, Garbage man), should be singled out. These girls are like sooo desperate they are looking for a sultry outfit so odd it is also a conversation starter. Go for the gold boys. On the other hand, girls who show up in anything not skimpy, that took time to make, and is a pop culture reference from your childhood (Transformers, Joe Camel, non-sexy Ninja Turtle) should be avoided. They will not give it up in one night.
You either have, will, or currently are having sex with this girl. The odds are that good.
8.) Being drunk does not make you any more appealing – Most men think that when a woman is drunk, her inhibitions and her standards are lowered, making it possible for someone like you to actually sleep with them. Here is a little secret though, alcohol doesn’t simply make us unaware of our decisions, the right amount of alcohol just gives us the ability to write off stupid decisions on the “I was drunk” pretext. So if you see a girl getting a bit tipsy, don’t think her vodka goggles are going to do you any favors. If you see a girl who is on the verge of blackout drunk and you move in, not only are you a horrible human being who should be, like, castrated, but your chances of getting puked on are super high.
9) A note on facial hair – Only grow it if it looks complete and full. End of story. Nothing sours a deal quicker then running my hand over a guys face and feeling something that resembles pubic hair. Oh, and the only people who just have mustaches are firemen, cops, gay club owners, and Freddie Mercury.
He made it look so good, he just set the bar way too high for anyone else.
10) Beware of social media – If we meet up, dance, kiss and part ways…play it cool fellas. If I wake up the next morning and you have already requested to be my friend on Facebook, are following me on twitter, and want to connect on LinkedIn, you just totally ruined your chances. Wait a week and “stumble” into me at the next party. A girl still likes to be wooed from time to time, and Prince Charming rides a white steed, not a gray Ethernet cable.
Check in for more articles from Buffy in the next few weeks!
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