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Archive for the ‘Collegiate Health’ Category

Marijuana Hits the Media; Media Inhales

In Collegiate Health, Student Issues on July 18, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Dex Schaefer is: a junior at SkidmoreCollege, but is taking a semester off to really get in touch with the “inner Dex.”

Majors in: Philosophy major with Art History minor

Area of Expertise: Snarky social commentary

You can contact Dex by: Smoke signal, by starting a hacky sack circle, or the ambient sound of a ram’s horn blown in the desert.

            Does anybody remember that movie Reefer Madness? I’m not talking about the 2005 musical satire that makes fun of PSA announcements. I’m talking about the straight-up 1936, black-and-white, “everything your parents say is true” version of the movie. No one?

"I don't know about anything related to weed....shut up man my boss is around."

I guess anyone reading this decided to go with Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle or The Big Lebowski when given the choice flipping through On Demand. I know I would. But for those of you who aren’t familiar, it’s a film dedicated to showing the world the evils of marijuana use. It’s complete with marijuana induced murders, suicides, and insanity. It’s practically the birth place for parents who freak out on they’re newly coed kids, asking if they’ve been “doing pot”, or “smoking doobies”. The film then concludes with a character’s realization that pot has truly ruined his entire life.

“Hey Judy you sure are keen…I have an idea! Let’s smoke some pot, fornicate, and then commit ritualistic suicide! That would be the cat’s pajamas!"

           Let’s face it- marijuana has crept into the main stream, and is no longer the menace it’s been made out to be in the 30’s. What started, essentially, with Cheech and Chong in the 70s has turned into a genre of its own, affectionately and directly referred to as “Stoner Flicks”. Hell, High Times Magazine even has the Stony Awards – many of the categories being for film and television (although somehow Snoop Dogg manages to snag an award here and there too. Big suprise). Maybe it’s just that nowHollywoodreally understands its viewership. According to the MPAA (The Motion Picture Association of America), a solid 35% of the American movie-going population is people between the ages of 18-39 years old.

            Incidentally, according to US Government’s Substance Abuse and Mental Health Data Archive (SAMHDA), the same age range accounts for over 36% of adult marijuana users. According to the same data, a little over 40% of American adults do or have gotten a little friendly with the cheeba, which translates into a fairly significant increase in the number of  eye drop and cookie dough purchases. And that doesn’t even account for Europe or the hash-smokingMiddle East!

“It’s either this, or spend the whole day oppressing women.”

            Aside from a pot smoker’s inherent desire for escapism, no one is going to be popping a “special brownie” and following it up with rousing game of rough-touch football in the quad. Hell, no one even wants to get up for the remote. That in mind, Hollywood is doing what its money-grubbing execs do best- give the people what they want and preach to the choir. So, it is with this that I call upon the rest of the main stream: spend your time worrying about other things that actually hurt people. Stop putting people away for doing something that does little more than inspire them to listen to Bob Marley, watch Half Baked, and fall asleep face down in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food. If art truly imitates life, then obviously people are blazing- and more than ever. My childhood hero, Kermit the frog once said “it’s not easy being green.” Why couldn’t it be?

“If I wasn’t high all the time, do you really think I could tolerate that bitch?”


Smart Phones Literally Cost an Arm and a Leg

In Collegiate Health on June 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Written by: Don Fischer

Recently, the media has been reporting that research by WHO links cell phone use to cancer.

Contrary to popular belief, not these guys. There are things they experiment with, but phones are not one of them.

Ever since a scientist went “I think this thing emits waves,” people have tried to tie cancer to cell phones without ever getting serious backing.  News outlets would run the story, then it would fade out in a couple of days, waiting to crop up to scare people a few years later, just like Britney Spears.

"Why won’t anyone answer my calls?"

Now, the World Health Organization has come forth saying they have found a link. According to WHO, the type of radiation coming out of a cell phone is called non-ionizing, like a low powered microwave, which is known to cause cancer without proper precautions.  News outlets  immediately ran the story and old people began to look at their phones as if they were ticking time bombs.  Every demographic moved a little further from their cell phones –  like a transvestite on a subway –  with the exception of college students.

According to a report by Student Phone Usage (SPU), there was not a single dip in college student’s cell phone use.  In fact, usage seemed to go up sharply.  Researchers at SPU attributed this to a condition known as “Superman Syndrome.”  It s described as “a mindset of invincibility college students find themselves in mainly because they think they know everything, and are usually intoxicated.” SPU would later post an addendum to their report reading “Damn kids, with their rap and their energy drinks.”


A more disturbing trend was discovered: students who contracted small tumors due to high cell phone use were more willing to undergo amputations instead of putting down the phone.  One student, Lisa McMillian, has lost two fingers and part of her right ear due to cancerous cells and her inability to stop posting on Twitter.

“The doctor’s told me they found cancer in my right pointer finger and said they wanted to start chemo,” Lisa said, fully focused on her phone and never making eye contact.  “I said, shit, I don’t need that one, just take it.”

And she’s not the only one.  Jim Crinds, a junior at the University of Kansas, has a scar in his right palm from a surgery to remove a growth and is missing his left pinky finger.  We found Jim playing disk golf, texting and surfing the web between shots.

“It was playoffs and my fantasy football team was only a few points behind first place.  I figured, what’s a pinky?  When have I ever said ‘I’m really glad my pinky was there’?”

“This is the only thing a pinky is good for”

When asked if the permanent scarring and loss of appendages was worth their near slave-like obedience to their smartphones, both students were confident their sacrifice was justified.

“Worth it?” scoffed Lisa. “Look, it’s 2011.  If my friend posts on Facebook and I don’t comment in under two minutes they’re either going to send out a search party or unfriend me.  People want instant feedback on their lives; why else would I be friends with 300 people I never met?”

“What kind of question is that?” asked Jim. “If it’s draft week and someone passes on Chris Johnson in the first round, you can’t afford to be ignorant of that kind of information. Why didn’t they pick him up? Is he injured? I got to check Rotowire immediately.  You can’t sit around thinking “oh, but I might get cancer.”  It’s an old person’s worry, not mine.  I just have to–”

Then, suddenly, Jim stopped.  “Did you really just Facebook friend me mid-interview?”

A smile spread across my face, elated that he had gotten my request.   “I know, right!  High five!”  The look on his face said it all as he looked down at this pinky-less hand.

High-four just doesn’t have the same ring to it

Hazmat Team Sent to Clean College Apartment, Only One Survivor

In Collegiate Health on June 24, 2011 at 12:57 pm

It was a grisly scene yesterday evening when a Hazmat crew consisting of five men was sent into a local residence onTemple University campus. They had been hired by a local landlord to help make the apartment suitable for the next residents before they started their lease in July. It was supposed to be a standard cleaning operation; get in, hose it down, get out. Something went horribly wrong though, and investigators are still trying to put together the pieces.

"Hey Vince, did you know I'm only one day away from retirement?

            The little information detectives have been able to gather has come from the lone survivor of the Hazmat team, Vincent Jeffries. Jeffries is currently being treated at St. Mary’s Hospital for PTSD, night terrors, smoke inhalation, toxic shock, regular shock, and a host of venereal diseases that appeared to have contracted through some airborne event. Jeffries’ physician, Dr. Richard Caldwell, had this to say about the injuries his patient has sustained:

“I’ve been a doctor for twenty years, and I don’t know how to describe what is happening to this man. It’s as if he has been exposed to something to foul, so offensive to the eye, ear and nose, that his body has simply started to break down. I’ve seen some horrible things in my career. But what’s happening to that man shakes my belief in a benevolent God.”

Jeffries has spent most of his time at St. Mary’s in the fetal position on his bed, jabbering to whoever walks in the room. Detective Tom Faltz has been one of the few people able to coax complete sentences out of him.

“His description of the events has been erratic at best,” said Faltz, “but it would appear that when his Hazmat team entered the premises, they weren’t prepared for what they saw. He vividly describes cascading piles of half eaten food, miniature hills consisting of blunt roaches, and the acrid smell of weed, body odor, Axe body spray and ejaculate all mashed together.

“From what we can gather, they lost the first two men when a pile of dirty laundry burst out a closed closet and buried them instantly. Another man tried to make an escape but was attacked and consumed by cockroaches. Mr. Jeffries and his fellow Hazmat team member went upstairs to escape the swarm.

Laugh all you want. The planet will be ours soon enough.

“When they opened a door on the second floor a massive cloud of smoke hit them. Jeffries claims could hear voices telling them ‘close the door, you’re letting the smoke out’ but we think he must have hallucinated this, as it doesn’t appear human life can be sustained in the apartment.

Several kittens were sent in to test the air. None survived.

“Jeffries managed to work his way through the smoke, but could not find his fellow team member. Apparently, the poor bastard jumped out second story window just so he could breathe one last breath of fresh air. Jeffries blacked out, and the next thing he remembered, he was being woken up in the ambulance.”

The landlord, 56 year old Russian immigrant Mikhail Oborski has remained quiet regarding the incident but has commented to reporters, “This is why I no rent to stoner people. They make horrible mess of things. These peoples will get no return on security deposit.”

"It smells like Phish concert in here..."

            When Undergrad Rag did get a chance to see Mr. Jeffries, his mental condition seemed to be mildly improving. The only statements he gave were ghastly, scattered recollections of the incident. “People can’t live like that,” said Jeffries, “…there were bats, so many bats…one wall was just Grateful Dead posters and smeared feces…I saw a rat, eating another rat, that had died while attempting to eat a third rat. God forgive me, I heard my friend’s screams, but I couldn’t save him, I COULDN’T SAVE HIM!”

A memorial service will be held for the members of the Hazmat team that perished, sometime early next week. Faltz lamented the fact that the service will have to be done without the team’s remains because “No one is willing to go in there to get the bodies. I’m certainly not sending any of MY men in there. They got kids for Christ’s sake.”

Dining Hall Food Declared a Diuretic by the FDA

In Collegiate Health on June 29, 2010 at 5:27 pm

This is how your toilet feels after you eat dining hall fajitas. Its a porcelain bowl full of pain...and your feces.

The FDA shocked the college world today when spokesperson Dr. Isabel Bennet called a press conference and officially re-classified all food served by college dining halls as powerful diuretics. She began the stunning announcement with a few conciliatory statements.

            “Let me start by apologizing to any and all college institutions that serve palatable food at their dining hall,” stated Dr. Bennet, “but this institution cannot ignore the facts any longer.”

            Dr. Bennet went on to say that after a rather gassy conference among physicians at the University of Pennsylvania, she decided to have the FDA test the effects of college dining hall food on the gastrointestinal process. Samples were taken from colleges all across the nation and fed to people of all different ages, weights, and nationalities. The results, Bennet says, are conclusive.

            “Dining hall food makes you damn near shit your pants. There’s just no way around it. Unfortunately, we cannot connect this food with the healthy bowel movements that something like fiber might provide. This stuff just causes violent intestinal spasms.”

            Dr. Bennet justified the research on the grounds that not only will the reclassification allow students to better plan their eating schedule around long, important exams, but this new data explains the rise in dormitory plumbing costs around the nation.

            To some school administrators, the news was like a revelation. Knowing that dining hall food was the source of so much sewage and plumbing backup will allow administrators like Gary Pearson of Hartford University to dramatically cut costs by changing the menu.

            “Seriously? It was the food causing all those problems?” asked a relieved Pearson. “I thought all our kids were sick, or weren’t chewing their food. You should have heard the stories maintenance was telling us about some of the crap clogging the pipes. One guy told me they found a shit so big it looked like someone had eaten a walrus head whole.”

            Adults aren’t the only ones breathing a sigh of relief. Students like Harry Larson feel like a great weight has been lifted off their shoulders, and their intestines.

            “Hopefully this means they’ll be serving better food now right? I mean, not only was the food barely edible, but like twenty minutes after I was dropping weapons of mass destruction in the toilet. Oh and the odor…you never smelled such things. The things I’ve seen in that bathroom could shake up a Viet Nam vet.”

            However, despite the relief felt by students and faculty alike, some see this change as a death knell to their profession. College cafeteria workers around the nation are scared that with the increase of quality food there will be an increase in work. Day laborer Miles Green is voicing his fears to anyone who will listen.

            “This is bullshit man. The food is all deep fried, it’s like the easiest job in the world. Now these little bastards want greens?  Shit man, I’m going to have to, like, clean the dishes now and be conscientious of food quality. I get paid like nine dollars an hour…[expletive deleted] that noise This is just another case of those bigwigs down at the FDA trying to screw over the little man.”

            Despite the mixed emotions over the FDA’s announcement there are a few certainties that will be a part of the future to come. College dormitories will be slightly less rancid, fart-based pranks will most likely decline in the upcoming year, and toilets everywhere will gurgle a sigh of relief.

Parties See an Increase in Sluts

In College Social Scene, Collegiate Health on June 10, 2010 at 6:04 pm

So pretty, so very stupid. Avoid unless lonely and standard-less.

            Recent polling of college events has uncovered some delightful news for university males. According to a recent study done by the College Scene Census (CSC), parties run for profit (parties where attendees have to pay to get in) have been seeing a steady increase in attendance by sluts since 2004. The study was headed by Richard Caldwell M.D., and the research has taken data from schools all over the East Coast.

            “At first the rise was quite gradual,” said Caldwell, “we just assumed it was a momentary upturn, nothing major. Maybe a new alcohol was being introduced into the market, maybe the prices of speakers and electronics went down at a fortuitous time for fraternities. We can’t point to a singular reason for why sluts are being sluttier, they simply are. They rise and fall like any other population.”

            It wasn’t until 2007 when Caldwell and his team had to accept that the slut-to- everyone else ratio was at the steepest climb it’s been since the inception of the project in 2000. Knowing they could do nothing to quell the numbers, the team could only ponder the backlash.

            “If the numbers continue at their current pace, the slut-to-everyone-else ratio will be 3 to 1 in a large swath of schools across the nation by 2012.”  Caldwell elaborated, “The rise in sluts is a double-edged sword. On one hand, a lot of sluts are good because it makes the male population less prone to violent acts and self-destruction. On the other hand, if it gets to the point where men no longer need to spend money to impress women, then we have a significant blow to many markets in the economy.”

            Among the many casualties in the markets that would suffer, Florists, Hallmark greeting card stores, and moderately prices jewelry from department stores would be hit the hardest. So the only questions that remain are how would we stop what seems to be an overwhelming increases in sluts, and do we really want to? Caldwell’s leading research scientist Anthony Tong weighed in on the matter.

            “On the face of it, everyone would like to see more sluts. That’s seems like an idea you can get behind and ride all the way to the bank, but it’s just not the way it is.” Tong went on to say “The things a slut does at the end of the night tend to negate how annoying she is the rest of the evening. Eventually there could be such a dense population of sluts that good conversation couldn’t survive in the environment. It’s in our best interest to at least try to make this thing level off.”

            Tong provided UR with a checklist of precautions to take in order to repel sluts, and therefore slowly reduce their numbers. Tong maintains that the best piece of advice that he can give is “Sluts thrive on attention, so the best thing you can do is ignore them.”

Dr. Tongs Tips for Minimum Slut Exposure

  • Avoid bright colors and flashy jewelry.
  • Avoid areas where flavored vodkas are being served
  • Never engage in crotch-to-butt dance maneuvers with any girl you haven’t known for more then two days.
  • If you can hear a girl yelling obnoxiously for no particular reason, walk in the opposite direction.

College Gamer Disappears into Chair

In Collegiate Health, Student Issues on August 26, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Sipp often referred to himself as "The Tribal King of Gaming." Most others referred to him as "that jackas"

Sipp often referred to himself as "The Tribal King of Gaming." Most others referred to him as "that jackass"

Authorities had to be called into the Johnson and Hardwick dormitories at Temple University on Monday to investigate the disappearance of college freshman Andy Sipp. The missing persons report was filed by his roommate Chuck Tauss. Tauss filed the report after he had noticed that Sipp was not in the place he had been for the past semester of school, parked in front of his gaming console.

            “I knew something was wrong when I walked in and he wasn’t sitting in the dark, at the controls of a role playing game,” said Tauss. “At first I thought he had gone to the bathroom, or maybe even gotten something to eat, but when he wasn’t back in front of the T.V. within fifteen minutes, I knew something was wrong.”

            When police arrived at the dorm, they examined Sipp’s customized gaming chair. Both officers had never seen anything like it and were at a loss for words when first questioned. The commanding officer, Officer Barry Fiennes, had this to say about the scene.

            “This chair is some serious shit. It’s got sub-woofers in the base, speakers in the backrest, the armrests are retractable, and it’s specifically engineered for lumbar support. Judging by the food crumbs and trace fecal matter, this kid rarely left this spectacular chair.”

            The first oddity investigators had to contend with was the fact that Sipp’s clothes were still on and around the chair when they arrived. Tauss confirmed that the clothes were one of the two outfits that Sipp ever wore, and he was unlikely to leave the premises without his Family Guy t-shirt.

            “He wouldn’t leave the dorm without that Stewie shirt on at the very least. Not a chance in hell,” said Tauss, rolling his eyes. “If he can’t reference that fucking show every five minutes, he goes insane.”

            No theories could be formulated until Officer Fiennes noticed that Sipp’s shoes were still at the base. This led the investigative team to conclude that Sipp was not missing, but rather had disintegrated from a lack of activity into his awesome gaming chair.

            “Judging from the interviews we have conducted, this kid barely got any natural light, so its doubtful he would have left anywhere without his shoes. The closest he ever came to ‘roughing it’ was when he didn’t use fabric softener in his laundry cycle. “

            When informed of the current theory being put forth by investigators, Chuck Tauss had this to say. “I’m honestly not that surprised. I know I should be, but it was like sharing a room with the television department at Circuit City. Shit was on all the time and I usually didn’t know what I was watching.”

            A virtual memorial service was held for Sipp on the World of Warcraft site. No real or virtual women were in attendance.

English Major Talks Too Much About His Novel

In Collegiate Health on August 24, 2009 at 4:15 am
Tom Frankens looking on with undeserved sense of self satisfaction

Tom Frankens looking on with undeserved sense of self satisfaction



This past week friends of University of Pennsylvania Junior Tom Frankens held an intervention for the third year English Major. The intervention was held because for the past two and a half years Tom has been talking incessantly about the novel he intends to publish when he gets out of school.

            “I love Tom, but lately he has been unbearable,” said high school friend Tracy Long. “I haven’t been able to have a single conversation with him in months where he didn’t try to stick in a plug for this novel he hasn’t even written yet.”

            The novel in question is tentatively titled “Dead Roses for Reginald” and according to Tom Frankens it is a “modern day Heart of Darkness, with the plot intricacy of Tolstoy’s War and Peace, set against the background of crime-ridden Southern Los Angeles.” So far, Tom has written a total of three pages.

            “I don’t even know what the novel is about,” said housemate Ron Wilkins. “Every time I ask him I have to sit through like a half hour of his Tolstoy, Heart of Darkness shit. He’s like a pretension doll, just pull the string in the back and he spouts off some egomaniacal rant about how his novel won’t conform to literary standards.”

            The man running the intervention, Counselor Eugene Kalas, says this type of intervention is happening all the time across the country.

            “This is a bigger issue on Ivy-league campuses,” said Kalas, “For reasons that aren’t clear, this sector of the college population is more prone to pretentiously gloating about works of creativity that have yet to be realized.”

            The intervention was similar to most others. There was crying, tearful confessions, misdirected anger, and eventually a group-hug.

            “I just told him how much he was hurting me,” said Frankens’ girlfriend Melanie Horowitz. “He was making it impossible to go on double dates, or even discuss the literature classes I was taking during the summer. I remember one time he started talking at a party, and everyone in the room just got up and left. It was like I was in sixth grade again and I was sitting next to the smelly kid in class.”

            “I didn’t know my enthusiasm for the book was such a hardship on my friends and family,” said Frankens, “I honestly thought people would want to hear about it. I mean, if you’re friend was writing the next great American novel, would you want to know about it?”

            “He hasn’t shown anybody a fucking word of this novel!” exclaimed Ron Wilkins. “I don’t think he’s written a page, he’s spent all his time waxing poetic about the whole lame plot. Did he tell you he named the main character ‘Sinbad Azkabar’? It is absurdity.”

            “I was surprised the whole thing went as well as it did,” said Counselor Kalas. “Typically the subject is too far gone to really accept the help the friends and family want to give. It’s strange, I’ve dealt with all kinds of addicts, but these people are the worst. The sense of self satisfaction they get from touting their future achievements is more powerful than any narcotic I’ve ever seen.”

            The intervention had a small level of success. Tom agreed to devote at least one hour of conversation per day to something more interesting than the book he has yet to write. He also tentatively agreed to one more month of professional counseling, administered by Eugene Kalas.

            “I foresee it being a long, difficult road,” said Kalas, “but if Tom really wants to beat this thing, he can do it.”