Undergrad Rag

Archive for September, 2009|Monthly archive page

The Tenured Professor

In The Tenured Professor on September 16, 2009 at 3:06 am

Dr. Robert Honeydew – Dr. Honeydew is the leading national authority on Microbiology, and specializes in the subject of germ warfare. When he is not heading up the Science department at Fillmore University, he runs a research facility dedicated to the study of disease named “The Honeydew Institute for Horrific Pain and Debilitating Illness.” The institute has produced a plethora of books, most recently Is it Just the Sniffles? Odds are it’s a Crippling, Terminal Illness

The Scientific Implications of Michael Jackson

When the King of Pop died, the effects reverberated throughout the entertainment world. In a matter a minutes, a man who had been out of the public spotlight, – minus the occasional molestation trial – had his body of work resurrected. Radio stations that had hard rock formats were playing Billie Jean, line dancers were doing the moonwalk, and one-hand, sequin covered gloves were once again fashionable. If the measure of a man’s life can be determined by how much his death overshadows the demise of Farrah Fawcett, then truly Michael Jackson was a giant among insects.

However, I propose that if we don’t learn anything from a death, it’s of little use to us. As a scientist I felt there was so much more we could learn about the strange chemical process that gradually turned a virulent black male into a withered white woman. Jackson himself once said, “If you want to make the world a better place, look in the mirror and make a change.” He appeared to take his own advice to an extreme, taking masochistic aim at his nose, lips, and skin pigment. But I feel the scientific community missed a valuable opportunity to do a full scale autopsy on the Jackson specimen. With that mind I suggest we exhume Jackson’s body and do a thorough scientific examination.

I am not unaware that people often frown on digging up the corpse of dead celebrities for the purpose of performing scientific experiments. However, before we let superstition and notions of respect for the deceased cloud our judgment, let us first look at the possible scientific gains. Firstly, I think nearly everyone would agree that if we could isolate the genetic factors responsible for Jackson’s mind-bending dance maneuvers, it would be for the betterment of humanity.

Secondly, with the proper analysis of his vocal chords scientists would be one step closer to reproducing a sound that would make every man, woman and child poorly reproduce the “Moonwalk” and yell “Shimone!.” The Pentagon believes that with the proper application, Michael’s unique brand of crisp vocals and soft voice could be used as a method of distracting and mellowing enemy troops at strategic times. While it might not satisfy the bleeding hearts among us, I do believe Michael Jackson loved his country, and would want to help it in any way possible.

Finally, it is a well known adage that art imitates life. While this truism typically doesn’t inspire fear, I would conjecture Jackson’s work gives us reason for pause. I would remind my audience of the year 1983, when Jackson broadcast a worldwide warning to the populace in the form of his best selling album of all time, Thriller. While many would scoff at the notion of Michael Jackson rising from the grave to lead an army of the undead against the forces of humanity, I just don’t believe that’s a risk we’re entitled to take. Sure, I might very well be wrong…but what if I am right? Could a coalition of nations withstand the onslaught of precisely choreographed dance routines performed by a legion of reanimated corpses? I think not good sir, I think not.

In the end I am preaching caution, and with no disrespect to the deceased pop star. In fact, the only reason I would even postulate that it could happen is that I, like all others, have been witness to the awesome power that was/is Michael Jackson. I was there when Billie Jean sold us on the idea of him actually making love to a woman and having an illegitimate son. I was there when he defied gravity and seemed to float across the stage like some wizard. I watched as those so blindly in love with the sound of his voice seemed to never notice he had changed race and possibly gender. To quote a line from The Usual Suspects, a friend once told me “I don’t believe in God but I’m still afraid of him. Well, I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Michael Jackson.”


Career Obituaries

In Career Obituaries on September 3, 2009 at 6:08 am

Adam “PacMan” Jones

All hope for a miracle recovery was lost a few days ago when Adam “PacMan” Jones signed a contract with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers, a team in the Canadian Football League. Many have speculated that this might signal a fresh start for the much maligned cornerback. Others think that this is the death knell of a turbulent career.

“We’re trying to be optimistic,” said sports commentator Rob Scamperback, “but playing for the Canadian Football League is not a stepping stone to the NFL. We shall keep Adam’s memory alive by remembering his prouder moments on the Tennessee Titans.”

Jones’ downward spiral began roughly three years ago on September 2005 when he was charged with assault and felony vandalism outside of a strip club. After going on trial and being fined both by the team and the NFL, Pacman had learned a valuable lesson. Then he was charged with public intoxication outside a nightclub in August 2006. Then he was implicated in a fight and shooting at another strip club in February 2007, cementing his legacy as a violent drunk and connoisseur of strip clubs.

While he worked his way through America’s strip clubs one by one, his time with the Dallas Cowboys was marred by a sub par on-field performance and a physical altercation with the very same bodyguards that were assigned to him by the Cowboys organization. His habits were not to be curtailed though, and many thought he should be given the Noble Prize in Pimpology for his ability to “make it rain” in gentleman’s clubs all across our great land. Unfortunately, Jones missed the Nobel Application deadline because he was incarcerated for weapons possession in a strip club.

After all this Jones found himself cut from a Cowboys organization that will ignore any glaring character flaw as long as it gives them more star power. His most recent attempt to get himself back on track at Winnipeg seems to be the last desperate flailing of a drowning man who is also being eaten by a shark.

Scamperback has no doubts that this will have no effect on his NFL marketability. “Even the best season with the Blue Bombers won’t erase five years of poor choices weighed against one season of exceptional playmaking. His dreams are most likely ruined, much like the strippers he spent the last five years supporting with untold amounts of money he earned doing virtually nothing. RIP Pacman, we’ll miss you.”

 Adam Jones with his signature "But officer, I was just enjoying a wholesome night of nude women" post-arrest look

Adam Jones with his signature "But officer, I was just enjoying a wholesome night of nude women" post-arrest look