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Archive for June, 2010|Monthly archive page

Dining Hall Food Declared a Diuretic by the FDA

In Collegiate Health on June 29, 2010 at 5:27 pm

This is how your toilet feels after you eat dining hall fajitas. Its a porcelain bowl full of pain...and your feces.

The FDA shocked the college world today when spokesperson Dr. Isabel Bennet called a press conference and officially re-classified all food served by college dining halls as powerful diuretics. She began the stunning announcement with a few conciliatory statements.

            “Let me start by apologizing to any and all college institutions that serve palatable food at their dining hall,” stated Dr. Bennet, “but this institution cannot ignore the facts any longer.”

            Dr. Bennet went on to say that after a rather gassy conference among physicians at the University of Pennsylvania, she decided to have the FDA test the effects of college dining hall food on the gastrointestinal process. Samples were taken from colleges all across the nation and fed to people of all different ages, weights, and nationalities. The results, Bennet says, are conclusive.

            “Dining hall food makes you damn near shit your pants. There’s just no way around it. Unfortunately, we cannot connect this food with the healthy bowel movements that something like fiber might provide. This stuff just causes violent intestinal spasms.”

            Dr. Bennet justified the research on the grounds that not only will the reclassification allow students to better plan their eating schedule around long, important exams, but this new data explains the rise in dormitory plumbing costs around the nation.

            To some school administrators, the news was like a revelation. Knowing that dining hall food was the source of so much sewage and plumbing backup will allow administrators like Gary Pearson of Hartford University to dramatically cut costs by changing the menu.

            “Seriously? It was the food causing all those problems?” asked a relieved Pearson. “I thought all our kids were sick, or weren’t chewing their food. You should have heard the stories maintenance was telling us about some of the crap clogging the pipes. One guy told me they found a shit so big it looked like someone had eaten a walrus head whole.”

            Adults aren’t the only ones breathing a sigh of relief. Students like Harry Larson feel like a great weight has been lifted off their shoulders, and their intestines.

            “Hopefully this means they’ll be serving better food now right? I mean, not only was the food barely edible, but like twenty minutes after I was dropping weapons of mass destruction in the toilet. Oh and the odor…you never smelled such things. The things I’ve seen in that bathroom could shake up a Viet Nam vet.”

            However, despite the relief felt by students and faculty alike, some see this change as a death knell to their profession. College cafeteria workers around the nation are scared that with the increase of quality food there will be an increase in work. Day laborer Miles Green is voicing his fears to anyone who will listen.

            “This is bullshit man. The food is all deep fried, it’s like the easiest job in the world. Now these little bastards want greens?  Shit man, I’m going to have to, like, clean the dishes now and be conscientious of food quality. I get paid like nine dollars an hour…[expletive deleted] that noise This is just another case of those bigwigs down at the FDA trying to screw over the little man.”

            Despite the mixed emotions over the FDA’s announcement there are a few certainties that will be a part of the future to come. College dormitories will be slightly less rancid, fart-based pranks will most likely decline in the upcoming year, and toilets everywhere will gurgle a sigh of relief.

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10 Tips for Teaching like you’re Tenured

In The Tenured Professor on June 25, 2010 at 4:54 pm

"This book says that I know everything, and that you're a whiny little pissant"

1. The first and most important thing is that you be able to converse with your students like a tenured professor would. This requires a special mindset. Combine an innate notion of complete immunity with that physical invulnerability you only get when you’re drunk. Here is an example of how a conversation with your student should go:

Student: (Innocuous statement or widely believed theory that takes the class in a direction you don’t want it to go)

Professor: “No.”

Student: (refutes your blanket statement with an incontrovertible fact)

Professor: “No.” (Disregard topic completely, and coldly turn away from student in question)

Student: (persists/takes offense)

Professor: (Your response can vary, but it should be the verbal equivalent of a kick to the nuts, followed by dismissal from the classroom)

2. Drop names as often as possible, and try to underscore them with stories that illustrate how intimately you know these obscenely famous people. Here are the best ways to start a name drop:

“When Salman Rushdie and I were rafting down the Amazon…”

“I’ll never forget what Gertrude Stein told me on her deathbed…”

“When Voltaire and I were fucking around one day…”

“I still have nightmares about that time Henry Kissinger and I had a three-way with Jill Saint John…”

 3. Hawk your book at every available opportunity. As a tenured Professor, you will undoubtedly have at least one recently published book. Be sure to casually mention them in your lectures (“casual” being used here in the same sense that the atomic bomb is “subtle”). Even though your book is a dense symbolist tome/dense piece of intensive, mind-numbing research, surely your students will spend their time and money on it. If they don’t, you can make them purchase it as part of the course materials. Make sure you remember to yell “Tenure, bitch!” when you do it though.

4. Pick one student’s work and take a big, steaming, verbal dump on it in front of the whole class. It is important to check your students into place every now and again, lest they become haughty and threaten the totalitarian, fear-based system you’ve built. This is one of those rare instances where you don’t want to be overtly cruel. Here is a good way to weave in a soul crushing indictment of someone’s work!

“I was disappointed with the papers as a whole, some were worse then others (blatantly look at the person you want to humiliate), and I can’t believe some people would hand in the work they did and still call themselves college students.”

5. Make sure you belittle your students’ previous learning experiences. This is simple, just make the assumption that they haven’t been taught by a credible teacher until you walked in the room. Highlight this belief every time someone says something you disagree with.

6. Disregard the opinions of scholars. This is your class. Shit, you didn’t even need to get the syllabus approved. For all the college knows you’re spending the entire semester teaching about the methane content in the air every time you pass gas. If someone tries to steamroll you with some Aristotle or John Locke, you can gut punch them and just move on. Seriously though, you can do that. You’re tenured; you might be able to kill a kid if you play it right.

7. Wear clothes that make it look like you have a vendetta against fashion. Lets face it, there isn’t a teacher in the college system hat you would call a fashion plate. However, you’re tenured, it’s your civic duty to wear clothes so dated and mismatched it looks like you were dressed by a blind man that hates you.

8. At least three classes per semester, spend the entire class talking about a deeply personal problem that is not related to academics at all. Good topics include:

– Work woes. Everyone in your department is an idiot, and you are by far the most accomplished person that gaggle of bureaucratic monkeys have ever laid eyes on.

– Complain about students from another class. Nothing breeds trust and motivation like ripping a group of people right in front of their peers.

– Your age and how ungrateful youths are for their perfect health. Walk with a limp if necessary.

9. Develop an obvious and distracting idiosyncrasy. If it’s genuine, that’s all well and good, but if it’s fake, you can have more fun with it. Try ending every thought with a harmless, but completely nonsensical and irrelevant statement. If it is in the form of a question, you will have a fun time watching students fight the urge to answer. Example: “Byron’s prose was decidedly less poetic and more grounded then his contemporary Romantic writers…does a monkey have sex by moonlight?” Being physically distracting is effective as well. Pulsating your hand during lectures, violent leg twitches you pretend not to notice, or even inserting a random foreign accent…its all good, clean fun that helps you undermine the thousands of dollars your students are paying for the class. Just remember: The less you’re students pay attention to what you’re saying, the less accountable you are as a teacher.

10. The final point is grooming. Avoid it like the plague. Men should have poorly trimmed, scraggly beards. Women should wake up, splash some cold water on their face and head out the door. Body odor is important to the overall mystique, but if you feel the need to cover it up, use stale cologne/musk from a bottle that was purchased in 1972.

Nerds No Longer Exist, Losers Remain

In Uncategorized on June 23, 2010 at 5:46 pm

College is a time for many changes. It is a formative experience that allows one to not only grow mentally, but spiritually as well. So it made sense when former Drexel Adjunct Professor Timothy Wheaton wrote a formal paper declaring that nerds do not exist in colleges today.

If you are still a nerd, for the love of God, avoid this man at all costs.

       “I’m not saying that nerds don’t go to college,” explained Wheaton, “I’m simply conjecturing that once they enter the college world, society needs them, and no longer classifies them as ‘nerds’ per se.”

            In Wheaton’s article, entitled “The Nerd: Society’s Butterfly,” he attempts to explain that while nerds are abundant in high school, they seem to disappear entirely by second semester freshmen year of college. Wheaton’s argument rests on his theory that the social dreg of the high school world consists of nerds and losers. When nerds enter college they can either excel at the skills that made them an outcast, or they become a full-fledged loser.

 “It’s amazing how timeless losers are,” marvels Wheaton, “You can be a loser from the age of six until the day you die. You can start a loser and shape up, or you can become a loser after being on top of the world. It knows no age, race, or socioeconomic boundaries.”

Nerds are a horse of a different color though. There aren’t really a significant amount of black nerds. Additionally, the skills that make a white kid a nerd (Math, Science, Pokemon) make an Asian kid just seem all the more Asian. You can’t be an old nerd, it’s literally impossible. You’re just old.”

So what does this mean for nerds around the country? Though it might seem nice to lose a degrading label like “Nerd”, you can’t move seamlessly from a nerd to normal member of society.

“Nerds should be happy about this, but they should know life doesn’t get better that fast,” said Wheaton. “They can expect to spend the first two or three years being used for their unique skill by kids that are obviously much cooler. The utilitarian purpose they serve lifts off the mantle of nerd, but the yoke of loser can be put upon them even more easily if they don’t perform up to expectations.”

            Wheaton’s article clarifies that if they want to ensure a smooth transition, their nerdy skill should be as marketable as they can make it. Nerds who can fix computers, do complex math equations, or are handy with stereo and cable systems are going to see high gains in popularity and female contact. Nerds who collect comic books, build model trains, or play Magic the card game won’t see much change after high school except the label hanging over them.

            “If nerds can take anything from this theory, it’s a measure of hope for the future,” said Wheaton. “If there is a lesson to be learned for all the cool kids out there, it’s that they should do their best to learn the distinguishing factors between nerds and losers. Losers are characterized by WWE and Nascar shirts, poorly developed facial hair, a complete lack of direction, and love for Budweiser. Quality nerds can be spotted by their trademark pre-pubescent body, when they constantly tuck in shirts that don’t need to be tucked in, and if they use words like “ubiquitous” in casual conversation.”

Parties See an Increase in Sluts

In College Social Scene, Collegiate Health on June 10, 2010 at 6:04 pm

So pretty, so very stupid. Avoid unless lonely and standard-less.

            Recent polling of college events has uncovered some delightful news for university males. According to a recent study done by the College Scene Census (CSC), parties run for profit (parties where attendees have to pay to get in) have been seeing a steady increase in attendance by sluts since 2004. The study was headed by Richard Caldwell M.D., and the research has taken data from schools all over the East Coast.

            “At first the rise was quite gradual,” said Caldwell, “we just assumed it was a momentary upturn, nothing major. Maybe a new alcohol was being introduced into the market, maybe the prices of speakers and electronics went down at a fortuitous time for fraternities. We can’t point to a singular reason for why sluts are being sluttier, they simply are. They rise and fall like any other population.”

            It wasn’t until 2007 when Caldwell and his team had to accept that the slut-to- everyone else ratio was at the steepest climb it’s been since the inception of the project in 2000. Knowing they could do nothing to quell the numbers, the team could only ponder the backlash.

            “If the numbers continue at their current pace, the slut-to-everyone-else ratio will be 3 to 1 in a large swath of schools across the nation by 2012.”  Caldwell elaborated, “The rise in sluts is a double-edged sword. On one hand, a lot of sluts are good because it makes the male population less prone to violent acts and self-destruction. On the other hand, if it gets to the point where men no longer need to spend money to impress women, then we have a significant blow to many markets in the economy.”

            Among the many casualties in the markets that would suffer, Florists, Hallmark greeting card stores, and moderately prices jewelry from department stores would be hit the hardest. So the only questions that remain are how would we stop what seems to be an overwhelming increases in sluts, and do we really want to? Caldwell’s leading research scientist Anthony Tong weighed in on the matter.

            “On the face of it, everyone would like to see more sluts. That’s seems like an idea you can get behind and ride all the way to the bank, but it’s just not the way it is.” Tong went on to say “The things a slut does at the end of the night tend to negate how annoying she is the rest of the evening. Eventually there could be such a dense population of sluts that good conversation couldn’t survive in the environment. It’s in our best interest to at least try to make this thing level off.”

            Tong provided UR with a checklist of precautions to take in order to repel sluts, and therefore slowly reduce their numbers. Tong maintains that the best piece of advice that he can give is “Sluts thrive on attention, so the best thing you can do is ignore them.”

Dr. Tongs Tips for Minimum Slut Exposure

  • Avoid bright colors and flashy jewelry.
  • Avoid areas where flavored vodkas are being served
  • Never engage in crotch-to-butt dance maneuvers with any girl you haven’t known for more then two days.
  • If you can hear a girl yelling obnoxiously for no particular reason, walk in the opposite direction.

Stoners Forced to Accept that Shit Ain’t that Funny

In Uncategorized on June 10, 2010 at 5:58 pm

The future of comedy if we don't act now

At 1 pm on June 7, Dr. Richard Caldwell of the College Scene Census (CSC) gave a progress report on a sweeping research program codenamed SAFATA (“Stoners aren’t as funny as they think they are”). According to Caldwell, the CSC began a nation wide effort 6 months ago to disabuse stoners of the notion that they’re comic geniuses.

Dr. Caldwell’s initial research proposal spoke of the dire need to stop the half-baked, immature witticisms present in the stoner community:

“It is not the responsibility of science to dictate people’s behavior or the things they put in their body. However, we would be remiss as human beings if we let humorless, burned out hopheads think they’re the next Richard Pryor. The CSC cannot, and will not, abide the stale wit of douchebags.”

Although the project was originally thought to be far too ambitious for a private institution, it has been made possible by massive grassroots support (pun intended). A majority of the donations came from the drug counter-culture itself. As Waterfall Jones, the leader of Modern American Hippies (MAH) put it, “I love every sentient being, but some sentient beings need to realize they’re just not that funny, no matter how high I am.”

The social experiment is done with 5 – 10 recreational marijuana smokers. After being lured into a bugged room with strategically placed “Free Burrito” signs and Grateful Dead posters, the subjects are provided with marijuana, told to engage in “normal behavior”, and left alone. After a 45 minute time limit the subjects were taken out of the room and given time to recover. Afterwards they were showed the video and audiotape of their own smoking session.

As Caldwell stated in his progress report, the subjects displayed a range of reactions, from bewildered amusement to outright shame, when they reviewed the tapes. As one subject said “I honestly don’t even know what we were talking about. There was just a lot of high-pitched laughing, something about a cat, a trampoline, and potato skins… I don’t know but we all seemed pretty into it.”

Another responded “It was like apes grunting at each other. I thought I was on comedy fire, but that video man…it was just me squealing.  Myabe I was just making the jokes in my head… I gotta’ reevaluate some things in my life.”

Some reviews were more positive but obviously skewed. One subject, who wished to be referred to as “Blunt Force Trauma,” seemed unphased by his nonsensical ranting, “Hahaha…I can’t believe you’re studying this man. Awesome, just awesome…. Hey, I’m pretty hungry was that free burrito thing for real?”

While the study has made great strides in helping science understand the dizzying relationship between marijuana and modern humor, Caldwell maintains that the real benefit is making stoners face the hard truth. “Even if we can’t stop weed-induced mental excrement from pouring out of every stoner’s mouth, we’re still getting the word out. Now that some have seen what they are like, w can only hope that they’ll start to make a change. The future of semi-intelligent humor depends on it.”

Syracuse Mascot Tired of Being Mocked

In College Sports on June 10, 2010 at 5:53 pm

Pictured: The face of depression

There was a minor ripple in the college football atmosphere when it was disclosed this past week that the mascot for Syracuse University checked himself into a mental health clinic. According to school officials the university mascot, Otto the Orange, admitted himself to the Hollowitz Mental Health Facility on the grounds of extreme emotional stress. At first, Otto was not granting interviews, but rather let the school read a prepared statement on his behalf that read:

“Dear Students and Alumni, I know my absence over the past few sporting events has been disappointing, and I appreciate the outpouring of support and encouragement from my fans. Like most things made of a felt fabric, I never pondered my purpose nor questioned my role. However, after being jeered at by opposing fans for the past several football seasons, I have come to realize something very disturbing: I am nothing more than a piece of produce. For years I have danced away the pain and done front-rolls through the tears, but today I can no longer deny how I feel. Today, I am a very sad orange.”

No matter the amount of coaxing, Otto would not let the press into his room or accept phone calls asking for answers. It was only after the first week of his treatment that Otto decided it was best for him to share his pain with the world.

“I’ve done what no mascot should ever have to do,” stated Otto at his press conference a few days ago, “I have had to accept the fact that in terms of sport, I make absolutely no fucking sense. In the midst of this existential crisis I ask my brothers in rubber and felt to not look down on me, but rather understand that I can no longer frolic while the crushing futility and absurdity of my existence destroys me from the inside out. I mean, come on. I’m an orange.”

Fellow mascots from other universities are sympathizing with Otto’s plight. Hoot the Temple Owl and the St. Joseph’s University Hawk had similar words of support for their comrade in mascotry.

“I know how he feels, I mean, I’m an owl. That’s not menacing at all. To top it off, I look like a genetically altered owl who was given the body of a human midget and the head of a parade float. Hang in there Otto, we’re with you.”

The SJU Hawk felt Otto’s pain as well. “It’s disgusting the physical demands they make on us. If I don’t constantly flap the entire game they’ll sell me to some crazed hawk breeder in upstate New York. They actually told me they’d do that. I can only imagine the type of pressure that Otto is under. How can you ask an orange to do all those calisthenics? He’s a fucking orange, dude.”

Others feel less sympathetic and aren’t shying away from having their opinions heard. The Stanford Cardinal had this to say: “Oh yeah, Otto’s life is so hard. At least he’s based off the university color. You know what I am? I’m a tree. They call me a cardinal. No one will tell me why. Cry me a river Otto. I go out there and do my job every soul crushing day, you don’t see me throwing a pity party for myself.”

However one feels about Otto’s sudden absence, his disappearance in keenly felt at Syracuse sporting events. Fans who are already depressed at their team’s sudden decline now no longer even have the simple joy of laughing at an over-sized orange.

How to Write the Worst Short Story Ever Written (A step-by-step guide to slowly killing the written word)

In Writer's Corner on June 7, 2010 at 4:31 pm

Begin with a viscerally powerful, but ultimately pointless opening statement. This is a very important first step. Like an angler entices fish with a worm, this opening line will entice your reader into wasting the next 20 minutes of their life.

Example: “Jack traced his name in blood across the hooker’s forehead. This would end up costing him an extra fifty bucks.”

The setting must be must be grandiose and complicated, yet ultimately irrelevant to the overall plot.

Example: “It was the year 2525, and jack made his way out of the dilapidated hotel on to the ruins of what used to be Park Avenue, New York. The robot revolution had caused untold devastation, leaving little but smoldering rubble in its wake. Fortunately, little else had changed in the world. Despite 500 years of human growth and development, technology had only grown incrementally, social mores remained unchanged, and the English language was exactly the same.”

Now is the time to fully flesh out your main character. It is important that they be an imperious, noble, flawless representation of pure manliness/femininity (all the author wishes he/she could be). For the purpose of this guide, the author will be male.

Example: “Jack Hammerheart didn’t need a hooker, having been blessed with an excessive inheritance, rippling physique, and a rare penile disorder known as ‘Rhino-Dick.’ Jack just wanted to help the impoverished in the only way he knew how, with pure sensual dynamite.”

You must have a vapid ancillary character with no substance, and no purpose outside of validating the main character’s actions.

Example: “Jack was on his way to see Genie.  She was one of multitude of ‘ladies of the night’ that Jack had pulled out of the depths of poverty with nothing more then sexual virility and immense wealth.”

Be sure to build up the ancillary character just enough not to offend whatever college undergraduate happens to be peer editing your paper at the time.

Example: “Genie was more then a set of voluptuous breasts, magnificent legs, and firmly toned buttocks to Jack. She was a woman of great poise and dignity. So much poise and dignity and fact, that she never felt the need to directly contribute to a conversation unless prompted by Jack.”

Grammar Note: be sure to overuse and incorrectly use semicolons as much as possible; nothing underscores your lack of technical proficiency with the English language better. Also, run-on sentences helpfully illustrate the hasty, masturbatory frenzy of writing you most likely started under drug-induced “inspiration.” Include a fragment as well. For good measure.

 

Now that you’re protagonist is a manly reflection of all you want to be, but never will, its time to work on your antagonist! This character should be irrationally evil. The more evil the character is, the less you have to explain why they are at odds with the protagonist.

Example: “Eugene Dingleberry was on his way to see Genie as well. He had just gotten off of work as the regional director of the Acme Baby Seal Poaching Corporation. As he crossed over 2nd  Avenue he knocked over a stroller and kicked a puppy in the face.”

Note on Vocabulary: Don’t forget to litter your story with inappropriately large, verbose wording. This will help distract the reader from your incompetent storytelling, and fool the average person into thinking you have a modicum of intelligence.

Here are some good examples:

  1. bode well = auger well
  2. wise = omniscient
  3. luxury = opulence
  4. you = douchebag

 

Now it’s time to decide your conflict. This is by far the most important part of any story, so feel free to half-ass it. Originality is the hallmark of good writing, so you’ll want to pick the most tired, formulaic conflict that you can.

Examples:

  1. Jack and Eugene both want Genie and must compete for her affection. This works best if Genie is ambivalent as a comatose patient despite being the object of desire. (Hell, it might help if she is actually in a coma)
  2. Jack and Genie must defend an impoverished community that Eugene intends to bulldoze to make way for a toxic waste dump. Involve an orphanage somehow, that helps.
  3. Anything involving the contemplation of life and death. Even though brilliant scholars have toiled over these massive questions since the dawn of man, you’re ten page short story will surely be able to enlighten anyone with the testicular fortitude to read it.
  4. For more examples look at: Any Nicholas Sparks book, any romantic comedy made within the last 15 years, or any film Jackie Chan has ever made (no offense to Mr. Chan, he is an ageless wonder).

 

Proofreading Note: Don’t ever bother proofreading your work. You should take it for granted that every word you’ve written is not only correct, but the best thing anyone has put on paper since Homer’s Odyssey. Even though odds are you’ve never had any literary exposure beyond those poems you showed your girlfriend/boyfriend in the hopes that you’re sensitive side would get you laid, you’re an artist damnit! Those who can’t grasp your artistic vision are mere Philistines.

 

You’ve managed to get your reader to plod along your poorly constructed narrative, now its time to write your ending. The best way to make your reader feel like they’ve wasted a small portion of their life is to solve the conflict with a wonderful little device called Deus ex machina (“god from the machine”). Just pick one way for your antagonist to conveniently die in a way that has no bearing on the rest of the plot!

Examples:

  1. Eugene is in a car crash and dies.
  2. Eugene is in a plane crash and dies.
  3. Eugene gets cancer and dies.
  4. Eugene gets cancer when a plane cashes into his car.

 

Congratulations, you’ve managed to drive yet another nail into the coffin of contemporary literature! Be sure to walk around with a false sense of accomplishment and condescension.