Undergrad Rag

Archive for May, 2011|Monthly archive page

Evil Brain Trust Linked to Rising College Tuitions

In Uncategorized on May 25, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Many of us have felt the sting of student loans. We go through four years of intense education (admittedly, for some, it is less intense then others), pass a litany of tests, endure the horror of functional alcoholism, suffer through a sea of self-gratification, and at the end of it all we get are two pieces of paper. One is our diploma. The other is a note from the loan company informing us that our deferment period has ended and it’s time to ante up.

We have been led to believe that the cost of college is a necessary evil. Never mind the crushing debt and second mortgages, at the end of it you’ll have a Bachelor’s degree, and that can get you your dream job right?…Right?

This man graduated with a double major in English and Philosophy

Moreover, it is a generally accepted idea that college tuition rises and falls – mainly rises – at the behest of some mysterious omniscient force, like God or the university’s Cost Benefit Analysis department. Every year we see it rise and while we curse the heavens we simultaneously take out our checkbooks and pay up faster than a Senator being blackmailed with homoerotic pictures of him and his male aid. But is this the whole story? Are we truly content to believe that every college or university in the country looks at its books every year and says independently of each other “We aren’t yet able to literally swim in all this money, lets raise the price”?

"Damnit Jim, I told you already we are going to keep jacking up prices until I can backstroke in a river of gold!"

Through hard-hitting investigative journalism techniques (namely, “making shit up”), Undergrad Rag has uncovered an unsavory element if the population working behind the scenes to raise college costs. While our source wishes to remain anonymous, he has agreed to be interviewed under the assumed name “Dick.” Dick tells a torrid tale of greed, corruption and the frequent abuse of library privileges.

“Twice a year, during the winter and summer breaks, high ranking individuals from the top schools around the nation meet in the Hamptons to discuss tuition costs,” said Dick. “The meeting usually disguises itself as a wine and cheese party, but the real goal is some twisted form of social engineering.

Don't be fooled by its rich aroma and complex notes of flavor

“Present at every meeting is one delegate from each of the top five student loan companies. They lurk around the discussion table, making promises of large endowments and gold-plated faculty lounges. While the educators pretend to abhor their presence, virtually all of them have made under the table deals with the loan companies. Some do it for the money, some for the Wine and Cheese magazine subscription, but most do it to get some measure of revenge. They resent the fact after spending up to 12 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars so they can give the next generation the benefit of good education, the meat-heads that came out of business school will be making their salary within five years of graduation.

“I cannot tell you what motivates the black heart of the loan industry, but I sense a sinister plot. At the pace they are setting for increases in tuition, by the year 2025 an entire generation of Americans will be in steep debt, allowing them to wield massive control over the general public. Promises to lower rates of interest could sway general elections. They could become the underground monopolies of this century, using their monthly influx of wealth to set up dummy corporations and launder money for organized crime. Also, it wouldn’t surprise me if they started each board meeting by eating a live kitten. The scariest thing is that we don’t really know what they’re planning. Mark my words though, one day they will set their master-plan in motion, and we will all become unwitting accomplices in the destruction of man!”

"Hello this is Susan with Black Soul Loans, how can I help you today?"

Dick then proceeded to throw himself out of a ten-story window, screaming “Lord, forgive me for what I have done,” all the way to the ground.

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Ugly People Realize They Won’t Do Better; Settle for Each Other

In Uncategorized on May 12, 2011 at 10:13 pm

It was a momentous occasion this past weekend when Drexel seniors Tom Halland and Tracy Kotter realized that they weren’t going to do any better and decided to tie the knot.

The happy couple. Good luck removing this image from your mind.

“I mean, going into college, I think we both had higher aspirations,” said Tom. “But you can’t run away from the truth forever. Not only does she make me happy, but she’s also one of the few females I’ve met in the past 23 years who will actually let me put hands on her. You can’t put a price on that.”

Tracy also views the relationship as a functional method of assuring that she doesn’t die a lonely old spinster.

“Like every little girl, I used to dream that Prince Charming would ride in with his cleft chin and rippling muscles to whisk me away to be his queen,” said Tracy with a heavy sigh. “Tom may not be Prince Charming, but we get along, we love to eat the same foods, and we tend to like the same movies. He’s more like Duke Acceptable then Prince Charming, but hey, he’s still a duke.”

Relationship counselor Dr. Matt Calhoun congratulated the couple on their capitulation to the harsh whip of reality. After being in the profession for over twenty years, he said he finds a certain amount of satisfaction in seeing people find a measure of happiness with someone they can actually attain.

“A lot of people will wander through life, trying to find someone beautiful that will help them mitigate the way they feel about their own hideous appearance,” said Dr. Calhoun. “Every now and again you’ll see someone who is ugly but accomplished enough to find a trophy spouse. But people tend to forget the sheer amount of wealth and power required to make a beautiful person forget your grotesque appearance. Henry Kissinger had to be one of the most powerful men in the world before he could bed Jill Saint John.

She was a MENSA member also considered one of the most beautiful women in the world. They were happily married for the rest of their lives. Can you believe that shit?

“What is really encouraging is that young people are starting to give up hope and settle a lot earlier then they used to. You would think the societal emphasis on beauty would make ugly people more obstinate in their attempt to find someone beautiful both inside and out. However, we are finding the opposite to be true. It would seem ugly people are having their souls and sense of self-worth crushed earlier and earlier, making it easier for them to stomach the sight of a deformed spouse for the rest of their life.”

Tracy and Tom are thrilled about their upcoming nuptials, as are their parents, who assumed their children would die alone in a darkened room, unloved and uncared for.

“We’re just ecstatic,” said Tracy’s mother, Holly Kotter. “The teenage years were the hardest, when we kept having to lie and tell her she was beautiful just to keep her spirits up. Now it doesn’t even need to come up in conversation.”

"Well I don't know why more boys don't ask you to dances... have you tried putting out? That'll probably increase your chances."

Tom father, Gary echoed that sentiment when he told us “Oh geez, what a load off. My wife and I really didn’t want him in the basement playing World of Warcraft for the rest of his life. Plus, now we can look forward to grandchildren! Granted, yes, those kids will probably be as ugly a sin, but we’ll take what we can get.”

Internet Causes Steep Decline in Male “Game”

In Uncategorized on May 9, 2011 at 6:26 pm

"Whoa! I just asked if you wanted to have sex!"

A college education is an integral part of a young person’s professional and personal development. The lessons learned within class and outside of it are crucial in shaping who we are, and who we hope to be.

At least that’s what we tell loved ones and potential employers. According to the newest study by the College Scene Census (CSC), the largest portion of time and effort in a college career is dedicated to sexual gratification. The CSC determined that slightly less than half the college experience is spent having sex, pursuing sex, or manipulating one’s self to the thought of a possible sexual conquest. The report breaks down the percentage of time as follows:

  • 45% of a student’s time is spent in the pursuit or participation of sexual activity.
  • 25% of a student’s time is spent in class or preparing for class.
  • 15% of a student’s time is spent under the influence of intoxicants.
  • 10% of a student’s time is spent getting snacks and more intoxicants
  • 5% of a student’s time is spent inventing family members to kill off so they can skip class.

 

For researchers like Dr. Caldwell, these figures are not particularly surprising, but a closer look revealed some disturbing trends. Typically, the amount of time freshman males spend masturbating is disproportionate to the time spent having sex. However, when the CSC looked at this demographic they noticed self gratification was on the rise.

“We all expect the masturbation numbers to be high,” said Caldwell, “I mean, no one in this office is surprised. But we expect to see a little more balance between masturbation and sex. The numbers indicate a problem with younger males and their ability to woo the opposite sex with wine coolers and their ability to play the acoustic guitar.”

They also write poetry and sing in a high, piercing tenor

As the CSC explained in their report, “The increased availability of pornography has taken away the necessity of human contact for sexual gratification and given younger males a false perception of the circumstances that lead to intercourse.”

Caldwell would go on to explain that with the influx of free pornography the younger males are being exposed to ludicrous plot lines and non-sequiturs that lead to unrestrained desire and frenzied sex.

“We have an entire generation of young men who believe that women are sex fiends who order pizza with extra big sausage, find plumbers sexually appealing, and never question a doctor who tells them the cure for their cough is to perform fellatio on him. When these men are presented by women who actually display independent thought and don’t constantly speak in poorly concealed innuendo, they don’t know how to react.

This never happens. Ever.

“Right now this is isolated, but we can’t afford to overlook the power of free pornography. The young male mind is prone to impulse and over indulgence. We have to ensure we don’t shape a generation of mustachioed misogynists.”

  The CSC is starting to promote awareness of this growing in college dorms with their new “Hos before Pros” campaign. The campaign aims to wean young men off their fantasy worlds and get them grounded again in standard drunken debauchery. Dr. Caldwell and others give speeches to freshman classes about the importance of learning how to court a member of the opposite sex.

“The skills we use to woo women are transferrable to many important walks of life,” said Caldwell. “What more are job interviews then a first date with business attire? Sincerity, truthfulness, and caring are all emotions that men learn how to masterfully fake, but only after years of trying to convince women to bed them. These skills are needed for success in and out of the bed. Hopefully this will give young men a reason to pull up their pants and put away the Kleenex.”

They're also good for your tears.

Cinco de Mayo: Is it More Than Just a Rationalization to Get Drunk?

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on May 6, 2011 at 2:34 pm

4 out of these 5 men have horrible VD

On the fifth of May every year, English speaking students gather for a fun-filled night of margaritas, sombreros, Corona with lime, and a myriad of other regrettable decisions. For many it will mark the emergence of summer and the end of finals. For many more, it will be yet another blurred remembrance punctuated only by the fact that they wake up with half a mariachi band in their bed and severe burning south of the border.

But is it possible that this random day with an amusingly ethnic name is more than a frat boy’s last stab at drunken poon, or a slutty girl’s last chance before the school year ends to blame a foursome on jumbo margaritas? While our basic human instincts would assume that a holiday could not hope to reach loftier heights, this is not the case. As two minutes on Wikipedia (a site only useful for last-minute plagiarism when you don’t even care if it’s right) will tell you, it is actually a legitimate holiday!

We can hear the letters to the editor now: “But guys, it’s a Mexican holiday. This is America; a place where kidnappings are far less frequent, our meals are not countless variations of the same four ingredients (beans, rice, corn, and low-grade beef), and apparently, the colors of our flag never run together in the wash. Why should we give a shit what anyone in Mexico does?”

Well for starters, the holiday isn’t the same depending on where you are. In America, the fifth of May is a day to celebrate Mexican heritage. We can act like that doesn’t matter – and for the most part, we will – but is that really fair? We treat Columbus Day with at least a minimal amount of reverence. Even African Americans get the month of February without turning it into a four-week drinking binge. Granted, we only observe Columbus Day because we fear the Italians will knee-cap us, and we did manage to convince African Americans that celebrating them for the shortest month of the year will heal wounds that are centuries old.

This also goes a long way. If not, well they're just being greedy at that point.

However, at least we make the effort to pretend. While we may not identify with our Mexican brethren every day, there is a solid reason for us joining hands with our fellow swarthy citizens on May 5th.

In Mexico, the purpose of the holiday is to celebrate the victory of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin over a French force double the size in the year 1862. That’s right, while America was having its “Family Feud” that took the form of mass slaughter, the Mexicans were still repelling European invaders.

To make it doubly impressive, the French army was considered the best army in the world at the time. If you’re saying to yourself “Hold on a minute, the French? The people who were basically a nation of fops for the better part of two hundred years? The same people who got steam rolled by Germany so fast they didn’t have time to pack away their beret and finish their cigarette before Hitler was dancing on the Arc de Triomphe?”

Yep, they are the same smelly, rude (in case it’s unclear, I do not care for the French), frog eating Europeans I’m referring to. They actually have a proud military tradition dating back a thousand years, and when they were facing the Mexicans, they weren’t known for their coffee and whores. They were known for kicking ass.

These were the Rambos of 19th century Europe

 

When the 4,000 poorly equipped Mexicans beat 8,000 Frenchmen armed to the teeth, it was a major boost for the Mexican resistance. Granted, a year later the French marched in 30,000 troops and captured Mexico’s capital, in what had to be the snootiest  conquest ever.

Enter America. Since the North and South were done having their slap fight, the U.S. could take the time out of its day to come in and whoop some French butt. We didn’t cotton to the idea that the only reason the French invaded Mexico was to use it as a base to back the Confederacy, so we came in and helped the Mexicans rise up again. In 1865 The French Emperor of Mexico, Maximilian I, was executed, ruining his favorite powdered wig in the process.

To sum up Cinco de Mayo celebrates the day that a Mexican David beat a French Goliath, and bought America enough time to finish its war before the French could get involved. While the victory is not really about America, we should be grateful for the bravery of 4,000 under equipped Mexican fighters, many of whom were not even professional soldiers.

So every day this year, lets us join hands with our brothers to the south and sing a common refrain that can resonate with all of us:

Fuck the French.