Undergrad Rag

Archive for July, 2011|Monthly archive page

“Nice” Guy Attempts to Meet Women; Consistently Finishes Last.

In College Social Scene on July 20, 2011 at 1:01 pm

For his entire life, Craig Newbert (a junior at University of Colorado) had been told by women that he is “such a nice guy.” Throughout that time period he has remained a virgin but has been reassured by his numerous female friends that the right woman will come along, and when she does, she’ll be lucky to have Craig. After 20 years however, Craig has started to doubt that the women who praise him all the time yet inexplicably remain his friends, are giving him the full story.

“I don’t get it,” said Craig. “I’m always the first one they call when there is an issue or they need a ride, but most of the times they won’t even give me a hug.”

“Psst, Craig…even though you support me during rough patches, listen to my inane stories, and I count you as one of my confidantes…I will never even throw you a pity fuck.”

Craig, like many other young men around the country, has found that personality alone may not help him land a girlfriend. As a result, many of them have agreed to participate in a new study being conducted by the College Scene Census (CSC). The study’s lead research scientist, Anthony Tong, clarified the focus of the study:

“Our goal is not to explain why nice guys finish last,” said Tong. “We already know why. If the only adjective a girl can use to describe you is ‘nice’ or ‘funny’ that should be your first tip-off that you’re not really that interesting. There are plenty of funny, nice people in the world – women don’t necessarily want to sleep with them. Nor are we here to examine why it appears women like jerks. That is a tired cliché, and less grounded in reality than the Easter Bunny. If all women liked the same things, department stores wouldn’t need to be the size of small towns, bridal registries wouldn’t be 200 pages long, and we wouldn’t have lesbian porn.

That’s good, that’s good. Now smell her hair.

 “Thankfully, women are just as diverse as the men they pursue. Our goal in bringing these young men in is to see if we can disabuse them of the notion that the poor taste of women is the sole reason they’re forever alone. Hopefully with the right coaching, they can learn to be more engaging and how to navigate the immensely complex and nonsensical taste women have in men.”

One of the first things the test subjects will learn is how to stay out of the friend-zone, a lonely desolate place reserved for men who have the balls to talk to a girl, but not enough to actually ask her out. Once in the friend-zone, there are few escape options and the poor spineless saps must endure years of being the designated driver during girl’s nights out, listening to the woman complain about her friends, and getting introduced to the men that the woman has decided to date instead of them.

“I want you to meet my boyfriend, Harry. He runs a convenience store and has an awesome van!”

            Another item on the study’s agenda is to help Craig and men like him realize that longing for a girl from afar is not the same as pursuing said girl. Despite the fact they often assume they are, Tong and his team has confirmed that women are, in fact, NOT mind readers. Standing next to a girl, staring at a girl, or digitally stalking a girl will never be able to replace the efficiency of actually talking to a girl. As part of their reconditioning, the test subjects have been dropped off at a bar and will not be allowed to leave until they have started a conversation with at least two women.

As Tong feared in his initial assessment of the group of thirty men, only five have been able to leave in the past three days. Tong has reported the remaining twenty-five are growing weak from lack of food and sleep, yet will not stop twirling their beer and stealing furtive glances at women across the bar. Tong holds little hope for their survival.

“I may be hallucinating from malnutrition, but I’m pretty sure that bar-stool is eye-fucking me…I’m going in.”

            The final hurdle for the study group will be emotionally damaging, but Tong and the rest of his team view the final step as vital to making the subjects self-aware. “While it will be painful for them to hear,” said Tong, “we will have to address the fact that despite what women tell them, looks – not humor – play the most vital role in attracting and keeping women. You’ll notice when men like the ones in this study complain about their female troubles, they’ll usually describe themselves as ‘nice,’ ‘funny,’ ‘intelligent,’ ‘caring,’ etc. Never has a man objectively described himself as a ‘stunningly handsome’ and has still complained about his inability to score. In their heart of hearts, these men know that they’re unattractive. The last step is making them deal with it.”

            So far, Craig has found the study helpful and feels he is taking positive steps. He says he can now differentiate between the women who speak to him with genuine interest as opposed to the women who use their appeal to bend him to their will. Craig no longer views his ineptitude with women as a handicap, but rather as an opportunity to grow.

            ‘Women aren’t these mythical beasts I have to trick into my bedroom,” said Craig. “Some may be manipulative or cruel. Other’s may be simple and vapid, but not all of them. If I put myself out there and get rejected, the bitch probably won’t remember me anyway, and it just makes room for a woman that’s worth my time.”


Marijuana Hits the Media; Media Inhales

In Collegiate Health, Student Issues on July 18, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Dex Schaefer is: a junior at SkidmoreCollege, but is taking a semester off to really get in touch with the “inner Dex.”

Majors in: Philosophy major with Art History minor

Area of Expertise: Snarky social commentary

You can contact Dex by: Smoke signal, by starting a hacky sack circle, or the ambient sound of a ram’s horn blown in the desert.

            Does anybody remember that movie Reefer Madness? I’m not talking about the 2005 musical satire that makes fun of PSA announcements. I’m talking about the straight-up 1936, black-and-white, “everything your parents say is true” version of the movie. No one?

"I don't know about anything related to weed....shut up man my boss is around."

I guess anyone reading this decided to go with Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle or The Big Lebowski when given the choice flipping through On Demand. I know I would. But for those of you who aren’t familiar, it’s a film dedicated to showing the world the evils of marijuana use. It’s complete with marijuana induced murders, suicides, and insanity. It’s practically the birth place for parents who freak out on they’re newly coed kids, asking if they’ve been “doing pot”, or “smoking doobies”. The film then concludes with a character’s realization that pot has truly ruined his entire life.

“Hey Judy you sure are keen…I have an idea! Let’s smoke some pot, fornicate, and then commit ritualistic suicide! That would be the cat’s pajamas!"

           Let’s face it- marijuana has crept into the main stream, and is no longer the menace it’s been made out to be in the 30’s. What started, essentially, with Cheech and Chong in the 70s has turned into a genre of its own, affectionately and directly referred to as “Stoner Flicks”. Hell, High Times Magazine even has the Stony Awards – many of the categories being for film and television (although somehow Snoop Dogg manages to snag an award here and there too. Big suprise). Maybe it’s just that nowHollywoodreally understands its viewership. According to the MPAA (The Motion Picture Association of America), a solid 35% of the American movie-going population is people between the ages of 18-39 years old.

            Incidentally, according to US Government’s Substance Abuse and Mental Health Data Archive (SAMHDA), the same age range accounts for over 36% of adult marijuana users. According to the same data, a little over 40% of American adults do or have gotten a little friendly with the cheeba, which translates into a fairly significant increase in the number of  eye drop and cookie dough purchases. And that doesn’t even account for Europe or the hash-smokingMiddle East!

“It’s either this, or spend the whole day oppressing women.”

            Aside from a pot smoker’s inherent desire for escapism, no one is going to be popping a “special brownie” and following it up with rousing game of rough-touch football in the quad. Hell, no one even wants to get up for the remote. That in mind, Hollywood is doing what its money-grubbing execs do best- give the people what they want and preach to the choir. So, it is with this that I call upon the rest of the main stream: spend your time worrying about other things that actually hurt people. Stop putting people away for doing something that does little more than inspire them to listen to Bob Marley, watch Half Baked, and fall asleep face down in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food. If art truly imitates life, then obviously people are blazing- and more than ever. My childhood hero, Kermit the frog once said “it’s not easy being green.” Why couldn’t it be?

“If I wasn’t high all the time, do you really think I could tolerate that bitch?”

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll – Just don’t forget that birth control

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on July 15, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Briar Rose is: A sophomore at Sarah Lawrence.

Majors in: Women’s Studies with a self-created minor of Sexual Liberation

Area of Expertise: Telling “The Man” where to stick it, literally and figuratively.

You can contact Briar by: You won’t. You can’t handle Briar.

According to studies from 1950, women expect sexual encounters to be full of love and tenderness and respect.

Now, with the exception of intentionally creating a child with someone you actually care for, I want every man reading this to pay close attention:


Do you caress your dick for hours surrounded by candles like Steve Carell in “The 40 Year Old Virgin?” Of course not (and if you live in a dorm, that’s going to make for an awkward conversation if your roommate walks in). 

Instead you go to pornhub.com or redtube.com or whatever free site you aren’t bored of yet and you go to town watching whores get railed while you shoot loads into the socks your mom just washed for you.

Poor bastards never knew what hit 'em...

So why is it when you get a real live girl in bed, everything is so fucking boring?

Here’s a shocker, women watch porn too. And not the Fabio bullshit we are getting from you. Now I’m not saying you should put your hands around the neck of some random woman you picked up at a bar, but seriously, how many hints do women need to drop before men get that we like it rough, dirty, and loud?

Now you may scoff, and say I am a rare breed of woman. I assure you this is not the case. My roommates and I have devised a rating system. It’s quite simple really. Just clap your hands as hard as you can. Now continue clapping that hard for, oh say, at least 20 minutes. If it doesn’t sound like that, it’s no good. A simple, yet effective scientific measurement.

Also an excellent way to trick your neighbors into believing you’re having wild sex.

Of course, while in the act, it’s best not to ask us things, like “want to change position?” First of all, you make us lose focus, and second off all, it makes you less aggressive. Pick us up, flip us over, and pretend you are actually going to the gym for a practical reason.

“I’m totally here to bang chicks and not at all to stare at dudes”

Its 2011, so fuck like the world is going to end in a year – pull some hair, slap some ass, and maybe, just maybe, the world will be a little less bitchy and a whole lot less sexually frustrated.