Undergrad Rag

Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll – Just don’t forget that birth control

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on July 15, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Briar Rose is: A sophomore at Sarah Lawrence.

Majors in: Women’s Studies with a self-created minor of Sexual Liberation

Area of Expertise: Telling “The Man” where to stick it, literally and figuratively.

You can contact Briar by: You won’t. You can’t handle Briar.

According to studies from 1950, women expect sexual encounters to be full of love and tenderness and respect.

Now, with the exception of intentionally creating a child with someone you actually care for, I want every man reading this to pay close attention:

IT’S NOT 1950 ANYMORE!

Do you caress your dick for hours surrounded by candles like Steve Carell in “The 40 Year Old Virgin?” Of course not (and if you live in a dorm, that’s going to make for an awkward conversation if your roommate walks in). 

Instead you go to pornhub.com or redtube.com or whatever free site you aren’t bored of yet and you go to town watching whores get railed while you shoot loads into the socks your mom just washed for you.

Poor bastards never knew what hit 'em...

So why is it when you get a real live girl in bed, everything is so fucking boring?

Here’s a shocker, women watch porn too. And not the Fabio bullshit we are getting from you. Now I’m not saying you should put your hands around the neck of some random woman you picked up at a bar, but seriously, how many hints do women need to drop before men get that we like it rough, dirty, and loud?

Now you may scoff, and say I am a rare breed of woman. I assure you this is not the case. My roommates and I have devised a rating system. It’s quite simple really. Just clap your hands as hard as you can. Now continue clapping that hard for, oh say, at least 20 minutes. If it doesn’t sound like that, it’s no good. A simple, yet effective scientific measurement.

Also an excellent way to trick your neighbors into believing you’re having wild sex.

Of course, while in the act, it’s best not to ask us things, like “want to change position?” First of all, you make us lose focus, and second off all, it makes you less aggressive. Pick us up, flip us over, and pretend you are actually going to the gym for a practical reason.

“I’m totally here to bang chicks and not at all to stare at dudes”

Its 2011, so fuck like the world is going to end in a year – pull some hair, slap some ass, and maybe, just maybe, the world will be a little less bitchy and a whole lot less sexually frustrated.

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  1. It’s 2011 and women have a more equal voice than ever when they aren’t spewing bat shit insanity. So here’s a thought, speak up, take control. I get that you want to be slammed up against a wall and fucked until you can’t walk, and most guys are more than willing to do that for you. But, here’s the shocker, most guys have no idea because most girls don’t tell us ANYTHING, we have to find out for ourselves. Of course a man shouldn’t ask if you want to switch positions, and of course he should be able to tell if he can take it up a notch, but if you want something rough and on the reg don’t be shy, take control. There is nothing better than a woman who takes control in the sack, it shows us what the limits are (if there are any) without us having to nervously take the leap or probe the line for hours, days, or weeks ourselves. Yeah, sounds lazy, but in fact it’s just caution. In our current society that feeds on standards, and litigation one can not help but to be overly cautious. You want to be equal? Start acting like it, take control, let us know what you want by just doing it instead of pussy footing around the subject only to be let down when we don’t get it. Men are ignorant, not stupid, take control once and he’ll take it from there.

    • The whole point of being submissive is to NOT have to take control. I don’t believe the article encourages anyone to take it to a point of questionable consent, so instead of bitching about how women don’t do enough, re-read the article and realize the ENTIRE point is raising awareness for the needs of women, not stroking the painfully small …egos… of sexually inept boys.

  2. You know what the best way for someone, or a group of people, to raise awareness for their personal needs is? To tell the person that they want something from what it is they want. EASY. Of course the article doesn’t encourage the point of questionable consent. I get it, girls like to be submissive and get railed, and trust me it’s fun for both parties, but the accidentally going too far is something on a lot of guys’ minds when they moves to take the next step wether they like it or not. This is one reason behind having reservations of being too rough. Again, the easy way around that is to just say or do what you want. Control has various meanings, you can take control of a situation without physically taking control. The power of words is infinite. And for the record, the article says nothing about being submissive, it is about hard fucking. Re-read the comment and realize the ENTIRE point is to raise awareness as to why the needs of women are going unfulfilled, not to bitch about how women don’t do enough. I’ll get my nut regardless so I couldn’t care less what she does, but I know that it is incredible when the feeling is mutual, so for those poor saps out there that are too timid or too unperceptive, it helps to get some feed back.

  3. J-

    Well, I took your suggestion, re-read your comments, and I have a little feedback of my own. First of all, I’d like to commend you on your first sentence (in your initial response) – you managed to give the women’s lib movement a nod AND completely disregard anything that is “spewing” out of a woman’s mouth, all in one sentence in such an inconspicuous manner. Impressive. Seriously, kudos on that opening(great structure, hook, and depth, etc.). Your English prof would bow to that shit. Second, and more importantly (though my gender status may cause you to believe this is all just blathering bat shit insanity) I do think your second comment raises some valid points. Obviously communication outside of the bedroom is necessary for compatibility in the sheets, especially when you start getting taboo. And I do understand the concern for things to get out of hand. However, there are ways for guys to push boundaries without the woman needing to lead the way on every new step/limit. For example, obviously it will not go over well if you just shove your dick in a a girl’s ass. However, I guarantee that by poking around a bit you’ll find out quite quickly how she feels about anal play. But most guys never even ATTEMPT to get creative or push past the safe zone, and a submissive woman will become quickly bored/unsatisfied/annoyed/turned off (pick your adjective) with the guys that don’t test the limits, or bring any creativity to the table. And yes, I realize the article does not use the word submissive, however based on the description of how many women like it in bed, I made the leap that if women do indeed like the guy to take control in a rougher than assumed manner, they clearly like their men dominant, which would make women kinky and (word of the day) submissive.

    YNL87

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