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Evil Brain Trust Linked to Rising College Tuitions

In Uncategorized on May 25, 2011 at 2:03 pm

Many of us have felt the sting of student loans. We go through four years of intense education (admittedly, for some, it is less intense then others), pass a litany of tests, endure the horror of functional alcoholism, suffer through a sea of self-gratification, and at the end of it all we get are two pieces of paper. One is our diploma. The other is a note from the loan company informing us that our deferment period has ended and it’s time to ante up.

We have been led to believe that the cost of college is a necessary evil. Never mind the crushing debt and second mortgages, at the end of it you’ll have a Bachelor’s degree, and that can get you your dream job right?…Right?

This man graduated with a double major in English and Philosophy

Moreover, it is a generally accepted idea that college tuition rises and falls – mainly rises – at the behest of some mysterious omniscient force, like God or the university’s Cost Benefit Analysis department. Every year we see it rise and while we curse the heavens we simultaneously take out our checkbooks and pay up faster than a Senator being blackmailed with homoerotic pictures of him and his male aid. But is this the whole story? Are we truly content to believe that every college or university in the country looks at its books every year and says independently of each other “We aren’t yet able to literally swim in all this money, lets raise the price”?

"Damnit Jim, I told you already we are going to keep jacking up prices until I can backstroke in a river of gold!"

Through hard-hitting investigative journalism techniques (namely, “making shit up”), Undergrad Rag has uncovered an unsavory element if the population working behind the scenes to raise college costs. While our source wishes to remain anonymous, he has agreed to be interviewed under the assumed name “Dick.” Dick tells a torrid tale of greed, corruption and the frequent abuse of library privileges.

“Twice a year, during the winter and summer breaks, high ranking individuals from the top schools around the nation meet in the Hamptons to discuss tuition costs,” said Dick. “The meeting usually disguises itself as a wine and cheese party, but the real goal is some twisted form of social engineering.

Don't be fooled by its rich aroma and complex notes of flavor

“Present at every meeting is one delegate from each of the top five student loan companies. They lurk around the discussion table, making promises of large endowments and gold-plated faculty lounges. While the educators pretend to abhor their presence, virtually all of them have made under the table deals with the loan companies. Some do it for the money, some for the Wine and Cheese magazine subscription, but most do it to get some measure of revenge. They resent the fact after spending up to 12 years and hundreds of thousands of dollars so they can give the next generation the benefit of good education, the meat-heads that came out of business school will be making their salary within five years of graduation.

“I cannot tell you what motivates the black heart of the loan industry, but I sense a sinister plot. At the pace they are setting for increases in tuition, by the year 2025 an entire generation of Americans will be in steep debt, allowing them to wield massive control over the general public. Promises to lower rates of interest could sway general elections. They could become the underground monopolies of this century, using their monthly influx of wealth to set up dummy corporations and launder money for organized crime. Also, it wouldn’t surprise me if they started each board meeting by eating a live kitten. The scariest thing is that we don’t really know what they’re planning. Mark my words though, one day they will set their master-plan in motion, and we will all become unwitting accomplices in the destruction of man!”

"Hello this is Susan with Black Soul Loans, how can I help you today?"

Dick then proceeded to throw himself out of a ten-story window, screaming “Lord, forgive me for what I have done,” all the way to the ground.

Ugly People Realize They Won’t Do Better; Settle for Each Other

In Uncategorized on May 12, 2011 at 10:13 pm

It was a momentous occasion this past weekend when Drexel seniors Tom Halland and Tracy Kotter realized that they weren’t going to do any better and decided to tie the knot.

The happy couple. Good luck removing this image from your mind.

“I mean, going into college, I think we both had higher aspirations,” said Tom. “But you can’t run away from the truth forever. Not only does she make me happy, but she’s also one of the few females I’ve met in the past 23 years who will actually let me put hands on her. You can’t put a price on that.”

Tracy also views the relationship as a functional method of assuring that she doesn’t die a lonely old spinster.

“Like every little girl, I used to dream that Prince Charming would ride in with his cleft chin and rippling muscles to whisk me away to be his queen,” said Tracy with a heavy sigh. “Tom may not be Prince Charming, but we get along, we love to eat the same foods, and we tend to like the same movies. He’s more like Duke Acceptable then Prince Charming, but hey, he’s still a duke.”

Relationship counselor Dr. Matt Calhoun congratulated the couple on their capitulation to the harsh whip of reality. After being in the profession for over twenty years, he said he finds a certain amount of satisfaction in seeing people find a measure of happiness with someone they can actually attain.

“A lot of people will wander through life, trying to find someone beautiful that will help them mitigate the way they feel about their own hideous appearance,” said Dr. Calhoun. “Every now and again you’ll see someone who is ugly but accomplished enough to find a trophy spouse. But people tend to forget the sheer amount of wealth and power required to make a beautiful person forget your grotesque appearance. Henry Kissinger had to be one of the most powerful men in the world before he could bed Jill Saint John.

She was a MENSA member also considered one of the most beautiful women in the world. They were happily married for the rest of their lives. Can you believe that shit?

“What is really encouraging is that young people are starting to give up hope and settle a lot earlier then they used to. You would think the societal emphasis on beauty would make ugly people more obstinate in their attempt to find someone beautiful both inside and out. However, we are finding the opposite to be true. It would seem ugly people are having their souls and sense of self-worth crushed earlier and earlier, making it easier for them to stomach the sight of a deformed spouse for the rest of their life.”

Tracy and Tom are thrilled about their upcoming nuptials, as are their parents, who assumed their children would die alone in a darkened room, unloved and uncared for.

“We’re just ecstatic,” said Tracy’s mother, Holly Kotter. “The teenage years were the hardest, when we kept having to lie and tell her she was beautiful just to keep her spirits up. Now it doesn’t even need to come up in conversation.”

"Well I don't know why more boys don't ask you to dances... have you tried putting out? That'll probably increase your chances."

Tom father, Gary echoed that sentiment when he told us “Oh geez, what a load off. My wife and I really didn’t want him in the basement playing World of Warcraft for the rest of his life. Plus, now we can look forward to grandchildren! Granted, yes, those kids will probably be as ugly a sin, but we’ll take what we can get.”

Internet Causes Steep Decline in Male “Game”

In Uncategorized on May 9, 2011 at 6:26 pm

"Whoa! I just asked if you wanted to have sex!"

A college education is an integral part of a young person’s professional and personal development. The lessons learned within class and outside of it are crucial in shaping who we are, and who we hope to be.

At least that’s what we tell loved ones and potential employers. According to the newest study by the College Scene Census (CSC), the largest portion of time and effort in a college career is dedicated to sexual gratification. The CSC determined that slightly less than half the college experience is spent having sex, pursuing sex, or manipulating one’s self to the thought of a possible sexual conquest. The report breaks down the percentage of time as follows:

  • 45% of a student’s time is spent in the pursuit or participation of sexual activity.
  • 25% of a student’s time is spent in class or preparing for class.
  • 15% of a student’s time is spent under the influence of intoxicants.
  • 10% of a student’s time is spent getting snacks and more intoxicants
  • 5% of a student’s time is spent inventing family members to kill off so they can skip class.

 

For researchers like Dr. Caldwell, these figures are not particularly surprising, but a closer look revealed some disturbing trends. Typically, the amount of time freshman males spend masturbating is disproportionate to the time spent having sex. However, when the CSC looked at this demographic they noticed self gratification was on the rise.

“We all expect the masturbation numbers to be high,” said Caldwell, “I mean, no one in this office is surprised. But we expect to see a little more balance between masturbation and sex. The numbers indicate a problem with younger males and their ability to woo the opposite sex with wine coolers and their ability to play the acoustic guitar.”

They also write poetry and sing in a high, piercing tenor

As the CSC explained in their report, “The increased availability of pornography has taken away the necessity of human contact for sexual gratification and given younger males a false perception of the circumstances that lead to intercourse.”

Caldwell would go on to explain that with the influx of free pornography the younger males are being exposed to ludicrous plot lines and non-sequiturs that lead to unrestrained desire and frenzied sex.

“We have an entire generation of young men who believe that women are sex fiends who order pizza with extra big sausage, find plumbers sexually appealing, and never question a doctor who tells them the cure for their cough is to perform fellatio on him. When these men are presented by women who actually display independent thought and don’t constantly speak in poorly concealed innuendo, they don’t know how to react.

This never happens. Ever.

“Right now this is isolated, but we can’t afford to overlook the power of free pornography. The young male mind is prone to impulse and over indulgence. We have to ensure we don’t shape a generation of mustachioed misogynists.”

  The CSC is starting to promote awareness of this growing in college dorms with their new “Hos before Pros” campaign. The campaign aims to wean young men off their fantasy worlds and get them grounded again in standard drunken debauchery. Dr. Caldwell and others give speeches to freshman classes about the importance of learning how to court a member of the opposite sex.

“The skills we use to woo women are transferrable to many important walks of life,” said Caldwell. “What more are job interviews then a first date with business attire? Sincerity, truthfulness, and caring are all emotions that men learn how to masterfully fake, but only after years of trying to convince women to bed them. These skills are needed for success in and out of the bed. Hopefully this will give young men a reason to pull up their pants and put away the Kleenex.”

They're also good for your tears.

Nerds No Longer Exist, Losers Remain

In Uncategorized on June 23, 2010 at 5:46 pm

College is a time for many changes. It is a formative experience that allows one to not only grow mentally, but spiritually as well. So it made sense when former Drexel Adjunct Professor Timothy Wheaton wrote a formal paper declaring that nerds do not exist in colleges today.

If you are still a nerd, for the love of God, avoid this man at all costs.

       “I’m not saying that nerds don’t go to college,” explained Wheaton, “I’m simply conjecturing that once they enter the college world, society needs them, and no longer classifies them as ‘nerds’ per se.”

            In Wheaton’s article, entitled “The Nerd: Society’s Butterfly,” he attempts to explain that while nerds are abundant in high school, they seem to disappear entirely by second semester freshmen year of college. Wheaton’s argument rests on his theory that the social dreg of the high school world consists of nerds and losers. When nerds enter college they can either excel at the skills that made them an outcast, or they become a full-fledged loser.

 “It’s amazing how timeless losers are,” marvels Wheaton, “You can be a loser from the age of six until the day you die. You can start a loser and shape up, or you can become a loser after being on top of the world. It knows no age, race, or socioeconomic boundaries.”

Nerds are a horse of a different color though. There aren’t really a significant amount of black nerds. Additionally, the skills that make a white kid a nerd (Math, Science, Pokemon) make an Asian kid just seem all the more Asian. You can’t be an old nerd, it’s literally impossible. You’re just old.”

So what does this mean for nerds around the country? Though it might seem nice to lose a degrading label like “Nerd”, you can’t move seamlessly from a nerd to normal member of society.

“Nerds should be happy about this, but they should know life doesn’t get better that fast,” said Wheaton. “They can expect to spend the first two or three years being used for their unique skill by kids that are obviously much cooler. The utilitarian purpose they serve lifts off the mantle of nerd, but the yoke of loser can be put upon them even more easily if they don’t perform up to expectations.”

            Wheaton’s article clarifies that if they want to ensure a smooth transition, their nerdy skill should be as marketable as they can make it. Nerds who can fix computers, do complex math equations, or are handy with stereo and cable systems are going to see high gains in popularity and female contact. Nerds who collect comic books, build model trains, or play Magic the card game won’t see much change after high school except the label hanging over them.

            “If nerds can take anything from this theory, it’s a measure of hope for the future,” said Wheaton. “If there is a lesson to be learned for all the cool kids out there, it’s that they should do their best to learn the distinguishing factors between nerds and losers. Losers are characterized by WWE and Nascar shirts, poorly developed facial hair, a complete lack of direction, and love for Budweiser. Quality nerds can be spotted by their trademark pre-pubescent body, when they constantly tuck in shirts that don’t need to be tucked in, and if they use words like “ubiquitous” in casual conversation.”

Stoners Forced to Accept that Shit Ain’t that Funny

In Uncategorized on June 10, 2010 at 5:58 pm

The future of comedy if we don't act now

At 1 pm on June 7, Dr. Richard Caldwell of the College Scene Census (CSC) gave a progress report on a sweeping research program codenamed SAFATA (“Stoners aren’t as funny as they think they are”). According to Caldwell, the CSC began a nation wide effort 6 months ago to disabuse stoners of the notion that they’re comic geniuses.

Dr. Caldwell’s initial research proposal spoke of the dire need to stop the half-baked, immature witticisms present in the stoner community:

“It is not the responsibility of science to dictate people’s behavior or the things they put in their body. However, we would be remiss as human beings if we let humorless, burned out hopheads think they’re the next Richard Pryor. The CSC cannot, and will not, abide the stale wit of douchebags.”

Although the project was originally thought to be far too ambitious for a private institution, it has been made possible by massive grassroots support (pun intended). A majority of the donations came from the drug counter-culture itself. As Waterfall Jones, the leader of Modern American Hippies (MAH) put it, “I love every sentient being, but some sentient beings need to realize they’re just not that funny, no matter how high I am.”

The social experiment is done with 5 – 10 recreational marijuana smokers. After being lured into a bugged room with strategically placed “Free Burrito” signs and Grateful Dead posters, the subjects are provided with marijuana, told to engage in “normal behavior”, and left alone. After a 45 minute time limit the subjects were taken out of the room and given time to recover. Afterwards they were showed the video and audiotape of their own smoking session.

As Caldwell stated in his progress report, the subjects displayed a range of reactions, from bewildered amusement to outright shame, when they reviewed the tapes. As one subject said “I honestly don’t even know what we were talking about. There was just a lot of high-pitched laughing, something about a cat, a trampoline, and potato skins… I don’t know but we all seemed pretty into it.”

Another responded “It was like apes grunting at each other. I thought I was on comedy fire, but that video man…it was just me squealing.  Myabe I was just making the jokes in my head… I gotta’ reevaluate some things in my life.”

Some reviews were more positive but obviously skewed. One subject, who wished to be referred to as “Blunt Force Trauma,” seemed unphased by his nonsensical ranting, “Hahaha…I can’t believe you’re studying this man. Awesome, just awesome…. Hey, I’m pretty hungry was that free burrito thing for real?”

While the study has made great strides in helping science understand the dizzying relationship between marijuana and modern humor, Caldwell maintains that the real benefit is making stoners face the hard truth. “Even if we can’t stop weed-induced mental excrement from pouring out of every stoner’s mouth, we’re still getting the word out. Now that some have seen what they are like, w can only hope that they’ll start to make a change. The future of semi-intelligent humor depends on it.”

College Book Buying Actually a Mafia Scam

In Uncategorized on February 11, 2010 at 3:57 pm
Fatone, counting the thousands of dollars he made off overpriced used copies of The Baghvad Gita, and The Collected Works of William Blake.

Nicky “Two-Tone” Fatone was escorted from the Philadelphia district court today in handcuffs after being convicted on several counts of fraud and money laundering. Fatone, who had been in the crosshairs of the local authorities and the FBI for the past several years, was finally tied with an intricate money laundering scheme involving the sale of college textbooks.

FBI Lynne Rosewood spoke with UR about the elaborate plan that had put so many colleges and their professors under the thumb of organized crime. “In retrospect, the obvious disparity between the actually cost of books and the prices demanded for them in university bookstores seems obvious,” said Agent Rosewood, “but for a long time it was simply glossed over as a necessary evil in the costly world of higher education.”

Agent Rosewood never thought of it herself until her two children went to college and she saw the receipts for their books each semester. “When your own child pays 15 dollars for a used copy of Kafka’s Metamorphosis, and 120 dollars for a 200 page chemistry textbook, you can’t help but notice that something is eschew,” said Rosewood.

Philadelphia ADA Harvey Karne said that though it was plausible that the egregious prices at the bookstores were merely a way to fill the overflowing coffers of high-priced academic institutions, he “couldn’t really imagine that people devoted to the education of America’s youth would pull such a dick move.”

The inability to reconcile the criminal prices with basic human decency demanded an investigation. When authorities dug further into the warehouse suppliers for a majority of college bookstores, they uncovered an intricate money laundering scheme.

“The book binding business had been set up by Fatone nearly tenyears ago as a way to claim legitimate income and avoid tax evasion charges,” said ADA Karne. “It’s only been in the past few years that he saw the potential there to clean his money. He would dump the dirty money into his printing businesses, and then coerce the universities into only using his suppliers for exorbitant prices. When he got paid by the universities he took the money out and put it back into his criminal enterprises.”

Many wondered why the scam wasn’t uncovered sooner. Maybe Fatone put it best when he was hear over a federal wiretap proclaiming sarcastically, “Who is gonna’ say shit? You can’t put a price on a good education.”

Rosewood called the conviction “long awaited justice for those who have been victimized by the 65 dollar paperbacks and 130 dollar hardcover books peddled shamelessly over the past five years. Hopefully we won’t see any more Chemistry majors paying 600 dollars a semester for books they only a open a handful of times”

When asked if there would be any charges brought against professors who use classes to sell their own books even though they aren’t directly tied to the course, ADA Karne was less optimistic. “We are combing the cannons of law for some way to charge these people, but unfortunately, there is no law against being an asshole.”

Fraternity to Host Drunken Book Club

In College Social Scene, Uncategorized on August 24, 2009 at 4:35 am
Just when you thought literature was dead, these people exhumed the coffin and violated the corpse

Just when you thought literature was dead, these people exhumed the coffin and violated the corpse

When one thinks of a college fraternity house, the standard debauchery usually springs to mind: keggers, grinding, and recreational drugs. However, a new arrival to Temple University, the un-chartered and newly formed Tau Eta Zeta has started a tradition they call the “Bombed Book Club.” According to fraternity president Max Rogers, the whole idea spawned from a rather humble and sophomoric notion.

            “We’re new on campus,” explained Rogers, “and we weren’t getting the turnout we were hoping for when it came to parties and other social events held by our modest chapter. One night we got a little drunk and had a brainstorming session when one of our brothers started talking about how much he liked cougars and how we should cater to them at our events.

            “At first we didn’t think much of it,” said fraternity Risk Management officer and the brains behind the idea, Vince Cathorne. “I mean we all like hot milfs, that’s no surprise. I never thought anything would come of it. Next thing you know though, we’re thinking how we could get more cougars into the house. Oprah’s book club came up, and pretty soon we were convinced it was feasible.”

What began as a drunken ploy to lure attractive older women to the Tau Eta Zeta house, has flowered into one of the most interesting hot spots for literary discussion. Of course the Tau Eta Zeta house couldn’t follow the same formula as other book clubs, they had to come up with some innovations unique to their environment.

“Well, the most striking thing about these get-togethers is that you must be inebriated in order to enter,” said president Rogers. “We have a breathalyzer and if you are legal to drive you can’t come in. Secondly, the use of marijuana is strongly encouraged. Have you ever tried to talk about Salman Rushdie’s ‘Midnight’s Children’ without being high? It’s depressing.”

Even though the book club has not yet achieved its initial purpose of attracting older women, the inventive new format has led to some deep discussion and heated debates.

“Emotions can run pretty high,” said Cathorne. “I never thought we had such avid readers in our ranks, but last week Chuck and Paul almost got into a full blown fistfight over the merits of J.D. Salinger’s ‘Catcher in the Rye.’ Next thing you know, Paul has Chuck in a leg lock, screaming about how Salinger stands as one of the great American authors and his hermitage doesn’t tarnish his legacy…it was a little scary.”

The house has already attracted a large crowd on Thursday nights when the book club meetings are held. English, Journalism, and History majors are flooding to the house for the alcohol and fresh literary perspective. Second year marketing major Tim Rhinehold had this to say about the club. “I mean, I hate hearing a professor drone on about a book I didn’t even want to read in the first place. But this place, it makes you feel like the literature comes alive. I’ve never been in a lecture hall where we could fight, puke, or hit on the people next to us.”

 When asked about the future of the book club, Rogers spoke with a cautious optimism “We’re not real big on long term thinking, but I think this has a future. People will always read, people will always drink…we feel like we cornered a unique market.”