Undergrad Rag

Archive for June, 2011|Monthly archive page

Smart Phones Literally Cost an Arm and a Leg

In Collegiate Health on June 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Written by: Don Fischer

Recently, the media has been reporting that research by WHO links cell phone use to cancer.

Contrary to popular belief, not these guys. There are things they experiment with, but phones are not one of them.

Ever since a scientist went “I think this thing emits waves,” people have tried to tie cancer to cell phones without ever getting serious backing.  News outlets would run the story, then it would fade out in a couple of days, waiting to crop up to scare people a few years later, just like Britney Spears.

"Why won’t anyone answer my calls?"

Now, the World Health Organization has come forth saying they have found a link. According to WHO, the type of radiation coming out of a cell phone is called non-ionizing, like a low powered microwave, which is known to cause cancer without proper precautions.  News outlets  immediately ran the story and old people began to look at their phones as if they were ticking time bombs.  Every demographic moved a little further from their cell phones –  like a transvestite on a subway –  with the exception of college students.

According to a report by Student Phone Usage (SPU), there was not a single dip in college student’s cell phone use.  In fact, usage seemed to go up sharply.  Researchers at SPU attributed this to a condition known as “Superman Syndrome.”  It s described as “a mindset of invincibility college students find themselves in mainly because they think they know everything, and are usually intoxicated.” SPU would later post an addendum to their report reading “Damn kids, with their rap and their energy drinks.”

"THIS. IS. SPARTA!"

A more disturbing trend was discovered: students who contracted small tumors due to high cell phone use were more willing to undergo amputations instead of putting down the phone.  One student, Lisa McMillian, has lost two fingers and part of her right ear due to cancerous cells and her inability to stop posting on Twitter.

“The doctor’s told me they found cancer in my right pointer finger and said they wanted to start chemo,” Lisa said, fully focused on her phone and never making eye contact.  “I said, shit, I don’t need that one, just take it.”

And she’s not the only one.  Jim Crinds, a junior at the University of Kansas, has a scar in his right palm from a surgery to remove a growth and is missing his left pinky finger.  We found Jim playing disk golf, texting and surfing the web between shots.

“It was playoffs and my fantasy football team was only a few points behind first place.  I figured, what’s a pinky?  When have I ever said ‘I’m really glad my pinky was there’?”

“This is the only thing a pinky is good for”

When asked if the permanent scarring and loss of appendages was worth their near slave-like obedience to their smartphones, both students were confident their sacrifice was justified.

“Worth it?” scoffed Lisa. “Look, it’s 2011.  If my friend posts on Facebook and I don’t comment in under two minutes they’re either going to send out a search party or unfriend me.  People want instant feedback on their lives; why else would I be friends with 300 people I never met?”

“What kind of question is that?” asked Jim. “If it’s draft week and someone passes on Chris Johnson in the first round, you can’t afford to be ignorant of that kind of information. Why didn’t they pick him up? Is he injured? I got to check Rotowire immediately.  You can’t sit around thinking “oh, but I might get cancer.”  It’s an old person’s worry, not mine.  I just have to–”

Then, suddenly, Jim stopped.  “Did you really just Facebook friend me mid-interview?”

A smile spread across my face, elated that he had gotten my request.   “I know, right!  High five!”  The look on his face said it all as he looked down at this pinky-less hand.

High-four just doesn’t have the same ring to it

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Hazmat Team Sent to Clean College Apartment, Only One Survivor

In Collegiate Health on June 24, 2011 at 12:57 pm

It was a grisly scene yesterday evening when a Hazmat crew consisting of five men was sent into a local residence onTemple University campus. They had been hired by a local landlord to help make the apartment suitable for the next residents before they started their lease in July. It was supposed to be a standard cleaning operation; get in, hose it down, get out. Something went horribly wrong though, and investigators are still trying to put together the pieces.

"Hey Vince, did you know I'm only one day away from retirement?

            The little information detectives have been able to gather has come from the lone survivor of the Hazmat team, Vincent Jeffries. Jeffries is currently being treated at St. Mary’s Hospital for PTSD, night terrors, smoke inhalation, toxic shock, regular shock, and a host of venereal diseases that appeared to have contracted through some airborne event. Jeffries’ physician, Dr. Richard Caldwell, had this to say about the injuries his patient has sustained:

“I’ve been a doctor for twenty years, and I don’t know how to describe what is happening to this man. It’s as if he has been exposed to something to foul, so offensive to the eye, ear and nose, that his body has simply started to break down. I’ve seen some horrible things in my career. But what’s happening to that man shakes my belief in a benevolent God.”

Jeffries has spent most of his time at St. Mary’s in the fetal position on his bed, jabbering to whoever walks in the room. Detective Tom Faltz has been one of the few people able to coax complete sentences out of him.

“His description of the events has been erratic at best,” said Faltz, “but it would appear that when his Hazmat team entered the premises, they weren’t prepared for what they saw. He vividly describes cascading piles of half eaten food, miniature hills consisting of blunt roaches, and the acrid smell of weed, body odor, Axe body spray and ejaculate all mashed together.

“From what we can gather, they lost the first two men when a pile of dirty laundry burst out a closed closet and buried them instantly. Another man tried to make an escape but was attacked and consumed by cockroaches. Mr. Jeffries and his fellow Hazmat team member went upstairs to escape the swarm.

Laugh all you want. The planet will be ours soon enough.

“When they opened a door on the second floor a massive cloud of smoke hit them. Jeffries claims could hear voices telling them ‘close the door, you’re letting the smoke out’ but we think he must have hallucinated this, as it doesn’t appear human life can be sustained in the apartment.

Several kittens were sent in to test the air. None survived.

“Jeffries managed to work his way through the smoke, but could not find his fellow team member. Apparently, the poor bastard jumped out second story window just so he could breathe one last breath of fresh air. Jeffries blacked out, and the next thing he remembered, he was being woken up in the ambulance.”

The landlord, 56 year old Russian immigrant Mikhail Oborski has remained quiet regarding the incident but has commented to reporters, “This is why I no rent to stoner people. They make horrible mess of things. These peoples will get no return on security deposit.”

"It smells like Phish concert in here..."

            When Undergrad Rag did get a chance to see Mr. Jeffries, his mental condition seemed to be mildly improving. The only statements he gave were ghastly, scattered recollections of the incident. “People can’t live like that,” said Jeffries, “…there were bats, so many bats…one wall was just Grateful Dead posters and smeared feces…I saw a rat, eating another rat, that had died while attempting to eat a third rat. God forgive me, I heard my friend’s screams, but I couldn’t save him, I COULDN’T SAVE HIM!”

A memorial service will be held for the members of the Hazmat team that perished, sometime early next week. Faltz lamented the fact that the service will have to be done without the team’s remains because “No one is willing to go in there to get the bodies. I’m certainly not sending any of MY men in there. They got kids for Christ’s sake.”

Economic Woes Lead to Pleased Obese Women

In Student Issues on June 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Please welcome the newest addition to the Undergrad Rag staff: Don Fischer.

Don is: a super-super-super senior at Midway College (Go Eagles!! KAH!)

Majors in: Interdisciplinary Studies

Area of expertise: Everything.  If Don can’t do it, it doesn’t exist.  If you argue it does exist, you won’t exist.

You can contact Don by: Nothing. You can’t contact Don.  Don will contact you.

Unless you’ve spent the last three years in a gold palace, entertaining yourself by eating endangered animals from between the breasts of high class call girls, and never felt the urge to turn on the TV, then you know we are facing tough economic times.  Most of us have felt it: we’ve cut back on going out, we’ve switched to generic brands, and we’ve stopped paying for all that premium porn.(insert picture of ugly porn actress)  But a more recent study has found another startling revelation: economic woes are a sexual gold mine for obese women all over the United States.

"Tag team. You go first"

When researchers sat down and studied the dating scene now, compared to before the economic collapse, they found that men are actually more attracted to obese women during financially stressful times.  The reason is quite simple: fat chicks don’t need as much and tend to give up more.  The expensive $80 dinner at Cheesecake Factory with the hot blond on the third floor in the hopes she gives it up, is no longer a necessity for some hot poon. Instead take a chubbier girl out for a $10 McDonald’s date because porky has a hankering for a McRib (it’s only out for a limited time!!) and definite sex.

That is pure joy on her face.

Beyond that, men are getting much better sex for their money.  Another study by the Institute of Sexual Sciences found that due to overweight self-esteem issues, these girls are doing things for the guys that a more attractive woman never would (no matter how many slices of cheesecake you bought to bring home).  It would appear that the bigger women are just more inclined to satisfy their male partner, as it gives them the temporary self-esteem boost their body image can’t.  The study went even further and pointed towards the Catholic School Syndrome (CSS), which postulates that the more restricted a woman’s life as a teenager, i.e. an all-girls catholic school, the more sexually promiscuous she will be as an adult, i.e a complete freak in the sack. Larger women, even if they went to a co-ed school, suffered from CSS because their male schoolmates were going after the more slender girls.

Go with Christ my child.

What happens next is the big question.  With guys going for cheaper, more sexually adventurous obese women, there is a sharp surplus of single, sexually frustrated hot women.  This could lead to a back and forth between the two factions.  As one group is grabbed up by men, the surplus from the other will become easy pickings for single men.  Then, as that new surplus is grabbed up, the reverse will occur.  It’s simple economics at that point.  Think of it as that one time your parents divorced and they each started giving you more and more for less chores and love so you’d like them more than the other.  But with sex as a reward for switching camps.  And a lot less creepier than what just popped in your head.

Or, maybe this will lead to more hot bisexuals as the male market thins and they look around and only see attractive women abound.

Hot women will pretend to love beer just to get our attention in this paradise we've envisioned.

A man can dream, right?

Check the site for more of Don’s work in the upcoming weeks!

10 Tips for Getting the Girl at Your Next Kegger

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on June 20, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Please welcome the newest addition to the Undergrad Rag staff: Buffy Beaverhausen!

Buffy is: a Junior at the University of Texas (OMG best school ever!) and is the social chair for Delta Chi Theta. Whooo! Delta Chi!

Majors in: Tourism and Hospitality Management

Area of expertise: Throwing killer, classy parties, and making all the boyz work for it J

You can contact Buffy by: Opening some watermelon vodka anywhere in TX!

If you’re not in college, odds are you don’t enjoy the wild fun and socially acceptable whore-ish behavior that is the hallmark of any good keg party. It is a rare, beautiful thing that only happens in fraternity basements and trash strewn backyards. The only thing that can make a kegger lame is a drooling mouth-breather like, totally invading your space. So, with that in mind, here are some helpful hints to turn perverts into players:

1) You might have to accept the fact that you’re ugly – Don’t be sad about it, lots of people are ugly. I mean, not me, buts lots of other people are. Just remember that it is not an insurmountable obstacle. Countless celebrities have totally traded in the classical ideal of “Beauty” for the more universally appealing “Sexy.” Lady Gaga, David Caruso (CSI Miami), Katy Perry, James Spader (the asshole in that movie “Jade”), even Ernest Borgnine.

WHAAAAAA! Dun! Dun!...to be fair though, anyone looks sexy after an entrance to The Who

They all know it’s not how you look, but the way you present yourself. It also helps to have, like, a shit load of cash and nice clothes…but presentation is key is what I’m saying. So just remember, at a kegger, you are whoever you present yourself to be. Keep reading to find out how to neutralize your hideous appearance.

2) No one wants to talk to you – Once again, try not to take this too personally honey. The guests at these functions aren’t exactly the wine and cheese crowd, no one will be discussing politics unless they spent the last three hours doing coke in the upstairs bedroom and they accidentally get into a conversation with a mirror. If people wanted to talk we wouldn’t need a keg, industrial sized speakers, and enough liquor to drown a horse (which, as we found out one night, is a lot more liquor then you would think).

Not the place for a soul searching discussion.

So to all the hipsters: I don’t care who your favorite author is, and no I don’t think the music here is lame. To all the frat boys: I don’t want to hear about the new sorority “I Felta Thi” and maintain a distance of at least two feet at all times because you smell like you bathed in Aqua Velva and Whiskey. To all the mouth breathers: Give up. Go home. We won’t dance, we won’t kiss, and odds are no one will have sex with you for quite some time.

3) Dancing is for those who can dance – If you can dance, that is freaking awesome. There are like no guys who really know how to dance anymore, it should really set you apart. However, be realistic about your skill level. If you amble up behind me and just start jean-humping, I’m going to pour my drink on you. Try coming up to the girl of your interest and actually dance facing her, with some space in between your bodies. Once you’ve proven you can keep a beat and look like you know what you’re doing, the odds increase in your favor like a million percent. Also, if you can break dance, do the robot, or any other specialty dancing that requires only one person, keep that shit to a minimum. People will form a circle so you can bust a move once, maybe twice, in a night. After that you just look like a douche bag.

This guy is cool for the first five minutes. Then he usually runs out of moves.

4) Creepers never go home with anyone – This really shouldn’t require any further explanation. For anyone who has ever been to a college party, let me ask you a question. You know that guy who spends the whole night leering at dancing girls, occasionally attempting to dance with them only to get rejected again and again? Of course you do, there is at least one at every party. No one has ever had sex with that guy. It, like, just never ever worked. If you want to go to a party, don’t go alone, it automatically make you that guy. Have someone to talk to and drink with, or stay home and play WoW.

The only female entity that will waste time on you.

5) Grinding is not an introduction – We touched on this before in the dancing portion, but this is important to remember if you ever want to share your bed with me, or anyone as stunningly gorgeous as I am. Grinding is not a way to say “hello,” it’s the precursor to making out, which is the precursor to…you know. Wait for the woman to initiate the grind, trust me, its not subtle guys. You’ll know we want to do it when we plant our butt right onto your crotch. Until then, assume we don’t. ‘Cause even if you’re hot, starting with the grind is usually a deal breaker.

6) Jungle Juice is for the ladies – Frats may be mostly comprised of knuckle dragging gym jockeys who would sooner hit you with a car then respect your feelings (sorry, I just had a rough break up), but they know how to cater to their female party goers. Beer is for you, guys. Liquor is for all of us. Jungle Juice/Punch/Fruity soda mixed with Everclear (whatever you want to call it), is for the ladies. Beer makes us bloated, and doesn’t get us drunk fast enough to blame all our bad decisions on it. If you are drinking the Jungle Juice it says two distinct things about you: 1) You are a pussy who can’t handle the taste of real alcohol and 2) You have basically taken a drink away from the female population at the party, which means you are so stupid you don’t grasp the correlation between drunk women and your chances of getting laid.

7) You can guess a girl’s intentions by what she is wearing – This isn’t rocket science guys. If you see someone in a SCUBA outfit you don’t think “leisurely stroll through the desert.” So you shouldn’t see a girl in a cardigan sweater and jeans and think “Oh, she wants it. She wants it bad.” The girl in the mini-skirt and the tube top is looking for action. The girl with the long pants and thick top probably just got dragged out by her friends. The only thing she wants is to have some tea and go to bed, not your penis. Side Note: Halloween has slightly different rules. Any girl who dresses as the sexy version of a profession that is not typically sexy (Ninja, Prison Guard, Garbage man), should be singled out. These girls are like sooo desperate they are looking for a sultry outfit so odd it is also a conversation starter. Go for the gold boys. On the other hand, girls who show up in anything not skimpy, that took time to make, and is a pop culture reference from your childhood (Transformers, Joe Camel, non-sexy Ninja Turtle) should be avoided. They will not give it up in one night.

You either have, will, or currently are having sex with this girl. The odds are that good.

8.) Being drunk does not make you any more appealing – Most men think that when a woman is drunk, her inhibitions and her standards are lowered, making it possible for someone like you to actually sleep with them. Here is a little secret though, alcohol doesn’t simply make us unaware of our decisions, the right amount of alcohol just gives us the ability to write off stupid decisions on the “I was drunk” pretext. So if you see a girl getting a bit tipsy, don’t think her vodka goggles are going to do you any favors. If you see a girl who is on the verge of blackout drunk and you move in, not only are you a horrible human being who should be, like, castrated, but your chances of getting puked on are super high.

9) A note on facial hair – Only grow it if it looks complete and full. End of story. Nothing sours a deal quicker then running my hand over a guys face and feeling something that resembles pubic hair. Oh, and the only people who just have mustaches are firemen, cops, gay club owners, and Freddie Mercury.

He made it look so good, he just set the bar way too high for anyone else.

10) Beware of social media – If we meet up, dance, kiss and part ways…play it cool fellas.  If I wake up the next morning and you have already requested to be my friend on Facebook, are following me on twitter, and want to connect on LinkedIn, you just totally ruined your chances. Wait a week and “stumble” into me at the next party. A girl still likes to be wooed from time to time, and Prince Charming rides a white steed, not a gray Ethernet cable.

Check in for more articles from Buffy in the next few weeks!

Evangelism Barred from Universities; Regarded as a “Buzz Kill”

In Campus Politics, Student Issues on June 15, 2011 at 1:04 am

Christianity took yet another hit among youth this past week when 30 colleges across the country effectively barred any evangelistic group from preaching, recruiting, or demonstrating on university property. Though the ban will most likely be ruled as a violation of 1st amendment rights and eventually overturned, many school officials see it as a brief moral victory.

The movement was spearheaded by Lane University President Diane Lottman, who had received a sizable amount of negative feedback from her student body in regards to the Christian Evangelists that littered the campus on any given day.

Lottman had expressed a personal distaste for the demonstrators as well stating “I have no problem with anyone who wants to stand on the corner and hand out a bible, or quietly mention to me that I have a home in Christ should I choose to accept him. It’s the yelling that gets to me. I’m just trying to make my way between administrative buildings most days and on three distinct parts of campus I hear all this hootin’ and hollerin’ that is so vitriolic it makes my stomach turn. We should all be able to get where we need to go without having to dodge pictures of aborted fetuses or side-step people in cowboy hats screaming about how God hates homosexuals.”

Pictured: The people that Christ chose to represent his will on Earth. Clearly.

Lottman is the solitary university administrator willing to make a public statement against evangelical demonstrations, but she is clearly not alone in her convictions. The other 29 institutions maintain that they are merely responding to student input, and that they feel the presence of too many evangelical groups is “distracting, divisive, and a major bummer.’

While most religiously minded demonstrations at college campuses are non-invasive, regular interruptions of daily life have started to occur at college campuses. Temple University has its own resident evangelist, who has posted up outside Paley Library for several years.

While the 45 year old demonstrator wishes to remain anonymous, he describes his method of proselytizing as a ‘visual and auditory celebration of our Lord. A combination of the Good Word, and art inspired by religious fervor.” The student population tends to refer to him as ‘That guy who shouts scripture at us on the way to class, and paints nonsensical stick figures.”

Don't be drawn in by the temptation of hot stick-on-stick action

Students, like Temple Junior Tom Bartlett, tend to be apathetic at best toward the roving groups of evangelists that spring up in various parts of campus. They are rarely regarded with hatred, but rather as an annoyance because they force the students to actually examine their hedonistic lifestyle.

“I have no problem with religion, you know?” said Tom Bartlett. “I just kind of put all my eggs in this atheist basket though, and I really don’t like to be reminded that if I’m wrong its going to mean eternal hellfire, boiling lava…and I imagine that there would also be a non-stop loop of the movie ‘Encino Man’ playing too.”

There is a special circle of Hell reserved for Pauly Shore.

Colgate University Senior Becky Kahn also feels ambivalence toward the evangelical sects on her college campus. Kahn, whose mother is Jewish, says that while the groups are never overtly prejudiced, the inherent bigotry is strongly implied.

“It’s one thing not to follow Jesus,” said Kahn, “Its quite another thing to be told you straight up killed the guy. If a Roman centurion walked through their demonstration, then I could understand them accusing him. I clearly wasn’t there, and if I was, I definitely wouldn’t have killed Jesus. I mean long hair, good beard, six-pack abs, liked to wear sandals; he looked like a lot of the guys I am currently going to school with…I probably would have asked him out before I tortured and killed him.”

The Savior of Man, and the Sultan of Sultry

The Evangelical groups are naturally upset by their exclusion at some campuses, but since they can’t protest at the schools themselves, they are forced to intensify their efforts on other campuses. Oddly enough, their increased presence at the schools that still allow them has only hurt their position amongst the students because, to quote UPenn sophomore Glenn Hurley, “They’re everywhere now like flies on shit. Also, they are protesting not being able to protest right? That’s dizzying logic.”

The members of these evangelical groups refuse to have there fervor dampened, and blame the ban on the unsavory elements of society. As Harold Carte, leader of Evangelical Students United (ESU) put it, “Colleges are Satan’s Prep School, where young men and women not only learn about, but actively participate in, the worst sins mankind can commit. Those that reject our message are under a trance induced by the Dark Prince. It’s the only plausible explanation.”

The horns may say "evil" but the monocle screams "classy"

Drexel Freshman and ESU member Shelley Catagnus isn’t going to let a few naysayers shake her religious conviction either, and eagerly awaits ESU’s day in court.

“With the Lord on our side, it doesn’t really matter what any earthly court has to say, but I’m sure they’ll see the light and find in our favor. Until then, it is up to the devout to continue our mission. I will not be deterred. I will yell my religious beliefs at people until they see the error of their sex-crazed, drug-fueled, self-satisfying lifestyle.”