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“Nice” Guy Attempts to Meet Women; Consistently Finishes Last.

In College Social Scene on July 20, 2011 at 1:01 pm

For his entire life, Craig Newbert (a junior at University of Colorado) had been told by women that he is “such a nice guy.” Throughout that time period he has remained a virgin but has been reassured by his numerous female friends that the right woman will come along, and when she does, she’ll be lucky to have Craig. After 20 years however, Craig has started to doubt that the women who praise him all the time yet inexplicably remain his friends, are giving him the full story.

“I don’t get it,” said Craig. “I’m always the first one they call when there is an issue or they need a ride, but most of the times they won’t even give me a hug.”

“Psst, Craig…even though you support me during rough patches, listen to my inane stories, and I count you as one of my confidantes…I will never even throw you a pity fuck.”

Craig, like many other young men around the country, has found that personality alone may not help him land a girlfriend. As a result, many of them have agreed to participate in a new study being conducted by the College Scene Census (CSC). The study’s lead research scientist, Anthony Tong, clarified the focus of the study:

“Our goal is not to explain why nice guys finish last,” said Tong. “We already know why. If the only adjective a girl can use to describe you is ‘nice’ or ‘funny’ that should be your first tip-off that you’re not really that interesting. There are plenty of funny, nice people in the world – women don’t necessarily want to sleep with them. Nor are we here to examine why it appears women like jerks. That is a tired cliché, and less grounded in reality than the Easter Bunny. If all women liked the same things, department stores wouldn’t need to be the size of small towns, bridal registries wouldn’t be 200 pages long, and we wouldn’t have lesbian porn.

That’s good, that’s good. Now smell her hair.

 “Thankfully, women are just as diverse as the men they pursue. Our goal in bringing these young men in is to see if we can disabuse them of the notion that the poor taste of women is the sole reason they’re forever alone. Hopefully with the right coaching, they can learn to be more engaging and how to navigate the immensely complex and nonsensical taste women have in men.”

One of the first things the test subjects will learn is how to stay out of the friend-zone, a lonely desolate place reserved for men who have the balls to talk to a girl, but not enough to actually ask her out. Once in the friend-zone, there are few escape options and the poor spineless saps must endure years of being the designated driver during girl’s nights out, listening to the woman complain about her friends, and getting introduced to the men that the woman has decided to date instead of them.

“I want you to meet my boyfriend, Harry. He runs a convenience store and has an awesome van!”

            Another item on the study’s agenda is to help Craig and men like him realize that longing for a girl from afar is not the same as pursuing said girl. Despite the fact they often assume they are, Tong and his team has confirmed that women are, in fact, NOT mind readers. Standing next to a girl, staring at a girl, or digitally stalking a girl will never be able to replace the efficiency of actually talking to a girl. As part of their reconditioning, the test subjects have been dropped off at a bar and will not be allowed to leave until they have started a conversation with at least two women.

As Tong feared in his initial assessment of the group of thirty men, only five have been able to leave in the past three days. Tong has reported the remaining twenty-five are growing weak from lack of food and sleep, yet will not stop twirling their beer and stealing furtive glances at women across the bar. Tong holds little hope for their survival.

“I may be hallucinating from malnutrition, but I’m pretty sure that bar-stool is eye-fucking me…I’m going in.”

            The final hurdle for the study group will be emotionally damaging, but Tong and the rest of his team view the final step as vital to making the subjects self-aware. “While it will be painful for them to hear,” said Tong, “we will have to address the fact that despite what women tell them, looks – not humor – play the most vital role in attracting and keeping women. You’ll notice when men like the ones in this study complain about their female troubles, they’ll usually describe themselves as ‘nice,’ ‘funny,’ ‘intelligent,’ ‘caring,’ etc. Never has a man objectively described himself as a ‘stunningly handsome’ and has still complained about his inability to score. In their heart of hearts, these men know that they’re unattractive. The last step is making them deal with it.”

            So far, Craig has found the study helpful and feels he is taking positive steps. He says he can now differentiate between the women who speak to him with genuine interest as opposed to the women who use their appeal to bend him to their will. Craig no longer views his ineptitude with women as a handicap, but rather as an opportunity to grow.

            ‘Women aren’t these mythical beasts I have to trick into my bedroom,” said Craig. “Some may be manipulative or cruel. Other’s may be simple and vapid, but not all of them. If I put myself out there and get rejected, the bitch probably won’t remember me anyway, and it just makes room for a woman that’s worth my time.”


Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll – Just don’t forget that birth control

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on July 15, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Briar Rose is: A sophomore at Sarah Lawrence.

Majors in: Women’s Studies with a self-created minor of Sexual Liberation

Area of Expertise: Telling “The Man” where to stick it, literally and figuratively.

You can contact Briar by: You won’t. You can’t handle Briar.

According to studies from 1950, women expect sexual encounters to be full of love and tenderness and respect.

Now, with the exception of intentionally creating a child with someone you actually care for, I want every man reading this to pay close attention:


Do you caress your dick for hours surrounded by candles like Steve Carell in “The 40 Year Old Virgin?” Of course not (and if you live in a dorm, that’s going to make for an awkward conversation if your roommate walks in). 

Instead you go to pornhub.com or redtube.com or whatever free site you aren’t bored of yet and you go to town watching whores get railed while you shoot loads into the socks your mom just washed for you.

Poor bastards never knew what hit 'em...

So why is it when you get a real live girl in bed, everything is so fucking boring?

Here’s a shocker, women watch porn too. And not the Fabio bullshit we are getting from you. Now I’m not saying you should put your hands around the neck of some random woman you picked up at a bar, but seriously, how many hints do women need to drop before men get that we like it rough, dirty, and loud?

Now you may scoff, and say I am a rare breed of woman. I assure you this is not the case. My roommates and I have devised a rating system. It’s quite simple really. Just clap your hands as hard as you can. Now continue clapping that hard for, oh say, at least 20 minutes. If it doesn’t sound like that, it’s no good. A simple, yet effective scientific measurement.

Also an excellent way to trick your neighbors into believing you’re having wild sex.

Of course, while in the act, it’s best not to ask us things, like “want to change position?” First of all, you make us lose focus, and second off all, it makes you less aggressive. Pick us up, flip us over, and pretend you are actually going to the gym for a practical reason.

“I’m totally here to bang chicks and not at all to stare at dudes”

Its 2011, so fuck like the world is going to end in a year – pull some hair, slap some ass, and maybe, just maybe, the world will be a little less bitchy and a whole lot less sexually frustrated.

10 Tips for Getting the Girl at Your Next Kegger

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on June 20, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Please welcome the newest addition to the Undergrad Rag staff: Buffy Beaverhausen!

Buffy is: a Junior at the University of Texas (OMG best school ever!) and is the social chair for Delta Chi Theta. Whooo! Delta Chi!

Majors in: Tourism and Hospitality Management

Area of expertise: Throwing killer, classy parties, and making all the boyz work for it J

You can contact Buffy by: Opening some watermelon vodka anywhere in TX!

If you’re not in college, odds are you don’t enjoy the wild fun and socially acceptable whore-ish behavior that is the hallmark of any good keg party. It is a rare, beautiful thing that only happens in fraternity basements and trash strewn backyards. The only thing that can make a kegger lame is a drooling mouth-breather like, totally invading your space. So, with that in mind, here are some helpful hints to turn perverts into players:

1) You might have to accept the fact that you’re ugly – Don’t be sad about it, lots of people are ugly. I mean, not me, buts lots of other people are. Just remember that it is not an insurmountable obstacle. Countless celebrities have totally traded in the classical ideal of “Beauty” for the more universally appealing “Sexy.” Lady Gaga, David Caruso (CSI Miami), Katy Perry, James Spader (the asshole in that movie “Jade”), even Ernest Borgnine.

WHAAAAAA! Dun! Dun!...to be fair though, anyone looks sexy after an entrance to The Who

They all know it’s not how you look, but the way you present yourself. It also helps to have, like, a shit load of cash and nice clothes…but presentation is key is what I’m saying. So just remember, at a kegger, you are whoever you present yourself to be. Keep reading to find out how to neutralize your hideous appearance.

2) No one wants to talk to you – Once again, try not to take this too personally honey. The guests at these functions aren’t exactly the wine and cheese crowd, no one will be discussing politics unless they spent the last three hours doing coke in the upstairs bedroom and they accidentally get into a conversation with a mirror. If people wanted to talk we wouldn’t need a keg, industrial sized speakers, and enough liquor to drown a horse (which, as we found out one night, is a lot more liquor then you would think).

Not the place for a soul searching discussion.

So to all the hipsters: I don’t care who your favorite author is, and no I don’t think the music here is lame. To all the frat boys: I don’t want to hear about the new sorority “I Felta Thi” and maintain a distance of at least two feet at all times because you smell like you bathed in Aqua Velva and Whiskey. To all the mouth breathers: Give up. Go home. We won’t dance, we won’t kiss, and odds are no one will have sex with you for quite some time.

3) Dancing is for those who can dance – If you can dance, that is freaking awesome. There are like no guys who really know how to dance anymore, it should really set you apart. However, be realistic about your skill level. If you amble up behind me and just start jean-humping, I’m going to pour my drink on you. Try coming up to the girl of your interest and actually dance facing her, with some space in between your bodies. Once you’ve proven you can keep a beat and look like you know what you’re doing, the odds increase in your favor like a million percent. Also, if you can break dance, do the robot, or any other specialty dancing that requires only one person, keep that shit to a minimum. People will form a circle so you can bust a move once, maybe twice, in a night. After that you just look like a douche bag.

This guy is cool for the first five minutes. Then he usually runs out of moves.

4) Creepers never go home with anyone – This really shouldn’t require any further explanation. For anyone who has ever been to a college party, let me ask you a question. You know that guy who spends the whole night leering at dancing girls, occasionally attempting to dance with them only to get rejected again and again? Of course you do, there is at least one at every party. No one has ever had sex with that guy. It, like, just never ever worked. If you want to go to a party, don’t go alone, it automatically make you that guy. Have someone to talk to and drink with, or stay home and play WoW.

The only female entity that will waste time on you.

5) Grinding is not an introduction – We touched on this before in the dancing portion, but this is important to remember if you ever want to share your bed with me, or anyone as stunningly gorgeous as I am. Grinding is not a way to say “hello,” it’s the precursor to making out, which is the precursor to…you know. Wait for the woman to initiate the grind, trust me, its not subtle guys. You’ll know we want to do it when we plant our butt right onto your crotch. Until then, assume we don’t. ‘Cause even if you’re hot, starting with the grind is usually a deal breaker.

6) Jungle Juice is for the ladies – Frats may be mostly comprised of knuckle dragging gym jockeys who would sooner hit you with a car then respect your feelings (sorry, I just had a rough break up), but they know how to cater to their female party goers. Beer is for you, guys. Liquor is for all of us. Jungle Juice/Punch/Fruity soda mixed with Everclear (whatever you want to call it), is for the ladies. Beer makes us bloated, and doesn’t get us drunk fast enough to blame all our bad decisions on it. If you are drinking the Jungle Juice it says two distinct things about you: 1) You are a pussy who can’t handle the taste of real alcohol and 2) You have basically taken a drink away from the female population at the party, which means you are so stupid you don’t grasp the correlation between drunk women and your chances of getting laid.

7) You can guess a girl’s intentions by what she is wearing – This isn’t rocket science guys. If you see someone in a SCUBA outfit you don’t think “leisurely stroll through the desert.” So you shouldn’t see a girl in a cardigan sweater and jeans and think “Oh, she wants it. She wants it bad.” The girl in the mini-skirt and the tube top is looking for action. The girl with the long pants and thick top probably just got dragged out by her friends. The only thing she wants is to have some tea and go to bed, not your penis. Side Note: Halloween has slightly different rules. Any girl who dresses as the sexy version of a profession that is not typically sexy (Ninja, Prison Guard, Garbage man), should be singled out. These girls are like sooo desperate they are looking for a sultry outfit so odd it is also a conversation starter. Go for the gold boys. On the other hand, girls who show up in anything not skimpy, that took time to make, and is a pop culture reference from your childhood (Transformers, Joe Camel, non-sexy Ninja Turtle) should be avoided. They will not give it up in one night.

You either have, will, or currently are having sex with this girl. The odds are that good.

8.) Being drunk does not make you any more appealing – Most men think that when a woman is drunk, her inhibitions and her standards are lowered, making it possible for someone like you to actually sleep with them. Here is a little secret though, alcohol doesn’t simply make us unaware of our decisions, the right amount of alcohol just gives us the ability to write off stupid decisions on the “I was drunk” pretext. So if you see a girl getting a bit tipsy, don’t think her vodka goggles are going to do you any favors. If you see a girl who is on the verge of blackout drunk and you move in, not only are you a horrible human being who should be, like, castrated, but your chances of getting puked on are super high.

9) A note on facial hair – Only grow it if it looks complete and full. End of story. Nothing sours a deal quicker then running my hand over a guys face and feeling something that resembles pubic hair. Oh, and the only people who just have mustaches are firemen, cops, gay club owners, and Freddie Mercury.

He made it look so good, he just set the bar way too high for anyone else.

10) Beware of social media – If we meet up, dance, kiss and part ways…play it cool fellas.  If I wake up the next morning and you have already requested to be my friend on Facebook, are following me on twitter, and want to connect on LinkedIn, you just totally ruined your chances. Wait a week and “stumble” into me at the next party. A girl still likes to be wooed from time to time, and Prince Charming rides a white steed, not a gray Ethernet cable.

Check in for more articles from Buffy in the next few weeks!

Cinco de Mayo: Is it More Than Just a Rationalization to Get Drunk?

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on May 6, 2011 at 2:34 pm

4 out of these 5 men have horrible VD

On the fifth of May every year, English speaking students gather for a fun-filled night of margaritas, sombreros, Corona with lime, and a myriad of other regrettable decisions. For many it will mark the emergence of summer and the end of finals. For many more, it will be yet another blurred remembrance punctuated only by the fact that they wake up with half a mariachi band in their bed and severe burning south of the border.

But is it possible that this random day with an amusingly ethnic name is more than a frat boy’s last stab at drunken poon, or a slutty girl’s last chance before the school year ends to blame a foursome on jumbo margaritas? While our basic human instincts would assume that a holiday could not hope to reach loftier heights, this is not the case. As two minutes on Wikipedia (a site only useful for last-minute plagiarism when you don’t even care if it’s right) will tell you, it is actually a legitimate holiday!

We can hear the letters to the editor now: “But guys, it’s a Mexican holiday. This is America; a place where kidnappings are far less frequent, our meals are not countless variations of the same four ingredients (beans, rice, corn, and low-grade beef), and apparently, the colors of our flag never run together in the wash. Why should we give a shit what anyone in Mexico does?”

Well for starters, the holiday isn’t the same depending on where you are. In America, the fifth of May is a day to celebrate Mexican heritage. We can act like that doesn’t matter – and for the most part, we will – but is that really fair? We treat Columbus Day with at least a minimal amount of reverence. Even African Americans get the month of February without turning it into a four-week drinking binge. Granted, we only observe Columbus Day because we fear the Italians will knee-cap us, and we did manage to convince African Americans that celebrating them for the shortest month of the year will heal wounds that are centuries old.

This also goes a long way. If not, well they're just being greedy at that point.

However, at least we make the effort to pretend. While we may not identify with our Mexican brethren every day, there is a solid reason for us joining hands with our fellow swarthy citizens on May 5th.

In Mexico, the purpose of the holiday is to celebrate the victory of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin over a French force double the size in the year 1862. That’s right, while America was having its “Family Feud” that took the form of mass slaughter, the Mexicans were still repelling European invaders.

To make it doubly impressive, the French army was considered the best army in the world at the time. If you’re saying to yourself “Hold on a minute, the French? The people who were basically a nation of fops for the better part of two hundred years? The same people who got steam rolled by Germany so fast they didn’t have time to pack away their beret and finish their cigarette before Hitler was dancing on the Arc de Triomphe?”

Yep, they are the same smelly, rude (in case it’s unclear, I do not care for the French), frog eating Europeans I’m referring to. They actually have a proud military tradition dating back a thousand years, and when they were facing the Mexicans, they weren’t known for their coffee and whores. They were known for kicking ass.

These were the Rambos of 19th century Europe


When the 4,000 poorly equipped Mexicans beat 8,000 Frenchmen armed to the teeth, it was a major boost for the Mexican resistance. Granted, a year later the French marched in 30,000 troops and captured Mexico’s capital, in what had to be the snootiest  conquest ever.

Enter America. Since the North and South were done having their slap fight, the U.S. could take the time out of its day to come in and whoop some French butt. We didn’t cotton to the idea that the only reason the French invaded Mexico was to use it as a base to back the Confederacy, so we came in and helped the Mexicans rise up again. In 1865 The French Emperor of Mexico, Maximilian I, was executed, ruining his favorite powdered wig in the process.

To sum up Cinco de Mayo celebrates the day that a Mexican David beat a French Goliath, and bought America enough time to finish its war before the French could get involved. While the victory is not really about America, we should be grateful for the bravery of 4,000 under equipped Mexican fighters, many of whom were not even professional soldiers.

So every day this year, lets us join hands with our brothers to the south and sing a common refrain that can resonate with all of us:

Fuck the French.

Parties See an Increase in Sluts

In College Social Scene, Collegiate Health on June 10, 2010 at 6:04 pm

So pretty, so very stupid. Avoid unless lonely and standard-less.

            Recent polling of college events has uncovered some delightful news for university males. According to a recent study done by the College Scene Census (CSC), parties run for profit (parties where attendees have to pay to get in) have been seeing a steady increase in attendance by sluts since 2004. The study was headed by Richard Caldwell M.D., and the research has taken data from schools all over the East Coast.

            “At first the rise was quite gradual,” said Caldwell, “we just assumed it was a momentary upturn, nothing major. Maybe a new alcohol was being introduced into the market, maybe the prices of speakers and electronics went down at a fortuitous time for fraternities. We can’t point to a singular reason for why sluts are being sluttier, they simply are. They rise and fall like any other population.”

            It wasn’t until 2007 when Caldwell and his team had to accept that the slut-to- everyone else ratio was at the steepest climb it’s been since the inception of the project in 2000. Knowing they could do nothing to quell the numbers, the team could only ponder the backlash.

            “If the numbers continue at their current pace, the slut-to-everyone-else ratio will be 3 to 1 in a large swath of schools across the nation by 2012.”  Caldwell elaborated, “The rise in sluts is a double-edged sword. On one hand, a lot of sluts are good because it makes the male population less prone to violent acts and self-destruction. On the other hand, if it gets to the point where men no longer need to spend money to impress women, then we have a significant blow to many markets in the economy.”

            Among the many casualties in the markets that would suffer, Florists, Hallmark greeting card stores, and moderately prices jewelry from department stores would be hit the hardest. So the only questions that remain are how would we stop what seems to be an overwhelming increases in sluts, and do we really want to? Caldwell’s leading research scientist Anthony Tong weighed in on the matter.

            “On the face of it, everyone would like to see more sluts. That’s seems like an idea you can get behind and ride all the way to the bank, but it’s just not the way it is.” Tong went on to say “The things a slut does at the end of the night tend to negate how annoying she is the rest of the evening. Eventually there could be such a dense population of sluts that good conversation couldn’t survive in the environment. It’s in our best interest to at least try to make this thing level off.”

            Tong provided UR with a checklist of precautions to take in order to repel sluts, and therefore slowly reduce their numbers. Tong maintains that the best piece of advice that he can give is “Sluts thrive on attention, so the best thing you can do is ignore them.”

Dr. Tongs Tips for Minimum Slut Exposure

  • Avoid bright colors and flashy jewelry.
  • Avoid areas where flavored vodkas are being served
  • Never engage in crotch-to-butt dance maneuvers with any girl you haven’t known for more then two days.
  • If you can hear a girl yelling obnoxiously for no particular reason, walk in the opposite direction.

Tech Tards Convention a Massive Failure

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on August 27, 2009 at 8:26 pm
A lack of technical proficiency can not only frustrate you but also cause a medical condition that permanently furrows your brow.

A lack of technical proficiency can not only frustrate you but also cause a medical condition that permanently furrows your brow.

As technology becomes more and more a part of our daily lives, there is a growing sector of the population that is experiencing mounting feelings of alienation and ridicule. They are the people who have not only avoided mastery of electronics and computers, but are also barely proficient. Commonly referred to as “tech tards” by the general population, they are the subject of Cindy Long’s new book entitled My Computer has a Memory? : Isolation and Confusion in a Tech Savvy World.

            Long’s introduction to this oft-overlooked part of the population came when she was a freshman in college, and had to show her roommate how to work her basic email account.

            “It was so sad,” said Long. “When I came in the room she was just hitting buttons and talking to the computer, just hoping it would work.” Long was so profoundly disturbed that she started to do research on the tech tard problem and came across some alarming statistics. “Apparently, one in twenty people above the age of 12 believe that gmail and email are two different things. One in five people don’t know the purpose of keys F1 through F12 on their keyboard. With stats like that, it’s hard not to get involved.”

            Long began her book nearly four years ago, but it wasn’t until this past April that she found what she calls the “defining moment in tech tard-dom.” During a recreational trip through Las Vegas she stumbled upon the National Tech Tard Convention. She walked into the booked convention hall only to find a handful of people milling around poorly constructed booths.

            “Truly, it rocked my faith in humanity. How could people let a problem get this bad?” said Long.

            She found the person in charge, a self-proclaimed “Idiotech” named Gary Pierce. Undergrad rag contacted Pierce and asked him what he felt the pitfalls of the convention were.

            “Well, first of all,” said Pierce, “it was hard getting the word out because so few of us now how to access our email accounts. Conventional mail doesn’t really work considering a majority of your overhead is going to be spent in stamps.”

            That was just the first problem though, Pierce found that the very nature of running a convention required a certain level technical expertise. “We didn’t have music, or lighting…we didn’t even know how to work that big printer that makes banners and signs. We had to get a person from the outside just to set up a stereo, and we bought a shit-load of magic markers and butcher paper for the display signs. To top it all off even those who came ended up being late because they had never gotten EZ Pass and got stuck at every toll booth on their way.”

            “Our goal was to raise awareness and promote acceptance. With a grand total of twenty people there and no money raised (Pierce later went on to say that most tech tards aren’t gainfully employed because they lack marketable skills), I can safely say that we failed. We failed on an epic level.”

            Long devotes a chapter in the book all about the convention and titled it “A Cry for Help.” She will be publishing her book later in the fall and hopes she can do more for awareness of the issue than Pierce’s said affair. “Its all about helping at least one person,” said Long. “We can’t turn every person who still hunts and pecks into a software engineer, but that doesn’t mean we just sit back and do nothing.”

“Hiking” Officially Accepted as Codeword for Doing Drugs

In College Social Scene on August 24, 2009 at 4:53 am
Above are probably the only two black people you've ever seen hike.

Above are probably the only two black people you've ever seen hike.

Exciting news came out of the College Scene Census (CSC) as it announced that when students from rural schools tell their friends and family they are going “hiking” for the day, it can be assumed that they are doing some type of drug. The officially study was done out of Happy Valley at Penn State University, Ithaca College, and the University of Vermont. The head of the CSC, Dr. Richard Caldwell M.D. announced the findings at Penn State this past week with red eyes, sloping posture, and slow speech pattern.

            “After, like, extensive research done by myself and my colleagues…we, um, think hiking is just fantastic.” Caldwell went on to say, “Its good exercise, puts you back in touch with nature, and there are like noooo cops around anywhere.”

            The motivation for the study was the constant confusion between college students when a hiking trip would be proposed. Amy Church was the first who brought the dilemma to the CSC. “I had this one friend who was always inviting me to go hiking,” said Amy “and for like the first ten times I was like ‘hell yeah, I’ll go hiking.’ But every time I went with him we’d spend the whole time just walking around, usually up very steep hills. He never once pulled out any drugs. It was despicable.”

            Caldwell clarified the difference between the two sects of the hiking population when he released his official paper on the subject, entitled “Smoking Trees amongst the Trees.” According to the CSC, the two sectors can be differentiated primarily between the actual distances they walk. “People who go hiking for the actual purpose of hiking tend to wear boots, bring canteens and food, and will walk several miles into the woods. People who aren’t there for actual hiking will typically just walk to the point in the trail with the highest elevation and the least amount of people. They also wear unnecessary headbands, and actively seek out bears…depending on how strong the particular drug is.”

            For “nature lovers” like Amy Church, the announcement was a welcome end to years of ambiguity and wasted hours amongst the trees. However, as groundbreaking as the announcement was, it still left some unanswered questions. Caldwell and the CSC still don’t know why people actually hike.

            “It seems odd,” said CSC research assistant Lily Rorsche, “We don’t know what exactly attracts people to hiking without drugs. It appears to be nothing more than a prolonged walk combined with a steep gradient. Also there seems to be an unusually high risk of being eaten, so we’re having a hard time determining their motivation. Drug-users on the other hand, are remarkably simple creatures. They’re willing to do just about anything for drugs, so a steep hike isn’t asking that much. Also, getting mauled by a bobcat won’t result in the same financial backlash from your parents that getting caught by cops will.”

            Caldwell and his team asserted their dedication to figuring out the other half of this disturbing equation, but are happy to finally clarify this once misleading term. The CSC said it would resume its studies after a week long trip to Yellowstone National Park to “look at the giant sequoia’s in a different light.”

Fraternity to Host Drunken Book Club

In College Social Scene, Uncategorized on August 24, 2009 at 4:35 am
Just when you thought literature was dead, these people exhumed the coffin and violated the corpse

Just when you thought literature was dead, these people exhumed the coffin and violated the corpse

When one thinks of a college fraternity house, the standard debauchery usually springs to mind: keggers, grinding, and recreational drugs. However, a new arrival to Temple University, the un-chartered and newly formed Tau Eta Zeta has started a tradition they call the “Bombed Book Club.” According to fraternity president Max Rogers, the whole idea spawned from a rather humble and sophomoric notion.

            “We’re new on campus,” explained Rogers, “and we weren’t getting the turnout we were hoping for when it came to parties and other social events held by our modest chapter. One night we got a little drunk and had a brainstorming session when one of our brothers started talking about how much he liked cougars and how we should cater to them at our events.

            “At first we didn’t think much of it,” said fraternity Risk Management officer and the brains behind the idea, Vince Cathorne. “I mean we all like hot milfs, that’s no surprise. I never thought anything would come of it. Next thing you know though, we’re thinking how we could get more cougars into the house. Oprah’s book club came up, and pretty soon we were convinced it was feasible.”

What began as a drunken ploy to lure attractive older women to the Tau Eta Zeta house, has flowered into one of the most interesting hot spots for literary discussion. Of course the Tau Eta Zeta house couldn’t follow the same formula as other book clubs, they had to come up with some innovations unique to their environment.

“Well, the most striking thing about these get-togethers is that you must be inebriated in order to enter,” said president Rogers. “We have a breathalyzer and if you are legal to drive you can’t come in. Secondly, the use of marijuana is strongly encouraged. Have you ever tried to talk about Salman Rushdie’s ‘Midnight’s Children’ without being high? It’s depressing.”

Even though the book club has not yet achieved its initial purpose of attracting older women, the inventive new format has led to some deep discussion and heated debates.

“Emotions can run pretty high,” said Cathorne. “I never thought we had such avid readers in our ranks, but last week Chuck and Paul almost got into a full blown fistfight over the merits of J.D. Salinger’s ‘Catcher in the Rye.’ Next thing you know, Paul has Chuck in a leg lock, screaming about how Salinger stands as one of the great American authors and his hermitage doesn’t tarnish his legacy…it was a little scary.”

The house has already attracted a large crowd on Thursday nights when the book club meetings are held. English, Journalism, and History majors are flooding to the house for the alcohol and fresh literary perspective. Second year marketing major Tim Rhinehold had this to say about the club. “I mean, I hate hearing a professor drone on about a book I didn’t even want to read in the first place. But this place, it makes you feel like the literature comes alive. I’ve never been in a lecture hall where we could fight, puke, or hit on the people next to us.”

 When asked about the future of the book club, Rogers spoke with a cautious optimism “We’re not real big on long term thinking, but I think this has a future. People will always read, people will always drink…we feel like we cornered a unique market.”