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Marijuana Hits the Media; Media Inhales

In Collegiate Health, Student Issues on July 18, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Dex Schaefer is: a junior at SkidmoreCollege, but is taking a semester off to really get in touch with the “inner Dex.”

Majors in: Philosophy major with Art History minor

Area of Expertise: Snarky social commentary

You can contact Dex by: Smoke signal, by starting a hacky sack circle, or the ambient sound of a ram’s horn blown in the desert.

            Does anybody remember that movie Reefer Madness? I’m not talking about the 2005 musical satire that makes fun of PSA announcements. I’m talking about the straight-up 1936, black-and-white, “everything your parents say is true” version of the movie. No one?

"I don't know about anything related to weed....shut up man my boss is around."

I guess anyone reading this decided to go with Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle or The Big Lebowski when given the choice flipping through On Demand. I know I would. But for those of you who aren’t familiar, it’s a film dedicated to showing the world the evils of marijuana use. It’s complete with marijuana induced murders, suicides, and insanity. It’s practically the birth place for parents who freak out on they’re newly coed kids, asking if they’ve been “doing pot”, or “smoking doobies”. The film then concludes with a character’s realization that pot has truly ruined his entire life.

“Hey Judy you sure are keen…I have an idea! Let’s smoke some pot, fornicate, and then commit ritualistic suicide! That would be the cat’s pajamas!"

           Let’s face it- marijuana has crept into the main stream, and is no longer the menace it’s been made out to be in the 30’s. What started, essentially, with Cheech and Chong in the 70s has turned into a genre of its own, affectionately and directly referred to as “Stoner Flicks”. Hell, High Times Magazine even has the Stony Awards – many of the categories being for film and television (although somehow Snoop Dogg manages to snag an award here and there too. Big suprise). Maybe it’s just that nowHollywoodreally understands its viewership. According to the MPAA (The Motion Picture Association of America), a solid 35% of the American movie-going population is people between the ages of 18-39 years old.

            Incidentally, according to US Government’s Substance Abuse and Mental Health Data Archive (SAMHDA), the same age range accounts for over 36% of adult marijuana users. According to the same data, a little over 40% of American adults do or have gotten a little friendly with the cheeba, which translates into a fairly significant increase in the number of  eye drop and cookie dough purchases. And that doesn’t even account for Europe or the hash-smokingMiddle East!

“It’s either this, or spend the whole day oppressing women.”

            Aside from a pot smoker’s inherent desire for escapism, no one is going to be popping a “special brownie” and following it up with rousing game of rough-touch football in the quad. Hell, no one even wants to get up for the remote. That in mind, Hollywood is doing what its money-grubbing execs do best- give the people what they want and preach to the choir. So, it is with this that I call upon the rest of the main stream: spend your time worrying about other things that actually hurt people. Stop putting people away for doing something that does little more than inspire them to listen to Bob Marley, watch Half Baked, and fall asleep face down in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food. If art truly imitates life, then obviously people are blazing- and more than ever. My childhood hero, Kermit the frog once said “it’s not easy being green.” Why couldn’t it be?

“If I wasn’t high all the time, do you really think I could tolerate that bitch?”

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Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll – Just don’t forget that birth control

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on July 15, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Briar Rose is: A sophomore at Sarah Lawrence.

Majors in: Women’s Studies with a self-created minor of Sexual Liberation

Area of Expertise: Telling “The Man” where to stick it, literally and figuratively.

You can contact Briar by: You won’t. You can’t handle Briar.

According to studies from 1950, women expect sexual encounters to be full of love and tenderness and respect.

Now, with the exception of intentionally creating a child with someone you actually care for, I want every man reading this to pay close attention:

IT’S NOT 1950 ANYMORE!

Do you caress your dick for hours surrounded by candles like Steve Carell in “The 40 Year Old Virgin?” Of course not (and if you live in a dorm, that’s going to make for an awkward conversation if your roommate walks in). 

Instead you go to pornhub.com or redtube.com or whatever free site you aren’t bored of yet and you go to town watching whores get railed while you shoot loads into the socks your mom just washed for you.

Poor bastards never knew what hit 'em...

So why is it when you get a real live girl in bed, everything is so fucking boring?

Here’s a shocker, women watch porn too. And not the Fabio bullshit we are getting from you. Now I’m not saying you should put your hands around the neck of some random woman you picked up at a bar, but seriously, how many hints do women need to drop before men get that we like it rough, dirty, and loud?

Now you may scoff, and say I am a rare breed of woman. I assure you this is not the case. My roommates and I have devised a rating system. It’s quite simple really. Just clap your hands as hard as you can. Now continue clapping that hard for, oh say, at least 20 minutes. If it doesn’t sound like that, it’s no good. A simple, yet effective scientific measurement.

Also an excellent way to trick your neighbors into believing you’re having wild sex.

Of course, while in the act, it’s best not to ask us things, like “want to change position?” First of all, you make us lose focus, and second off all, it makes you less aggressive. Pick us up, flip us over, and pretend you are actually going to the gym for a practical reason.

“I’m totally here to bang chicks and not at all to stare at dudes”

Its 2011, so fuck like the world is going to end in a year – pull some hair, slap some ass, and maybe, just maybe, the world will be a little less bitchy and a whole lot less sexually frustrated.

Economic Woes Lead to Pleased Obese Women

In Student Issues on June 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Please welcome the newest addition to the Undergrad Rag staff: Don Fischer.

Don is: a super-super-super senior at Midway College (Go Eagles!! KAH!)

Majors in: Interdisciplinary Studies

Area of expertise: Everything.  If Don can’t do it, it doesn’t exist.  If you argue it does exist, you won’t exist.

You can contact Don by: Nothing. You can’t contact Don.  Don will contact you.

Unless you’ve spent the last three years in a gold palace, entertaining yourself by eating endangered animals from between the breasts of high class call girls, and never felt the urge to turn on the TV, then you know we are facing tough economic times.  Most of us have felt it: we’ve cut back on going out, we’ve switched to generic brands, and we’ve stopped paying for all that premium porn.(insert picture of ugly porn actress)  But a more recent study has found another startling revelation: economic woes are a sexual gold mine for obese women all over the United States.

"Tag team. You go first"

When researchers sat down and studied the dating scene now, compared to before the economic collapse, they found that men are actually more attracted to obese women during financially stressful times.  The reason is quite simple: fat chicks don’t need as much and tend to give up more.  The expensive $80 dinner at Cheesecake Factory with the hot blond on the third floor in the hopes she gives it up, is no longer a necessity for some hot poon. Instead take a chubbier girl out for a $10 McDonald’s date because porky has a hankering for a McRib (it’s only out for a limited time!!) and definite sex.

That is pure joy on her face.

Beyond that, men are getting much better sex for their money.  Another study by the Institute of Sexual Sciences found that due to overweight self-esteem issues, these girls are doing things for the guys that a more attractive woman never would (no matter how many slices of cheesecake you bought to bring home).  It would appear that the bigger women are just more inclined to satisfy their male partner, as it gives them the temporary self-esteem boost their body image can’t.  The study went even further and pointed towards the Catholic School Syndrome (CSS), which postulates that the more restricted a woman’s life as a teenager, i.e. an all-girls catholic school, the more sexually promiscuous she will be as an adult, i.e a complete freak in the sack. Larger women, even if they went to a co-ed school, suffered from CSS because their male schoolmates were going after the more slender girls.

Go with Christ my child.

What happens next is the big question.  With guys going for cheaper, more sexually adventurous obese women, there is a sharp surplus of single, sexually frustrated hot women.  This could lead to a back and forth between the two factions.  As one group is grabbed up by men, the surplus from the other will become easy pickings for single men.  Then, as that new surplus is grabbed up, the reverse will occur.  It’s simple economics at that point.  Think of it as that one time your parents divorced and they each started giving you more and more for less chores and love so you’d like them more than the other.  But with sex as a reward for switching camps.  And a lot less creepier than what just popped in your head.

Or, maybe this will lead to more hot bisexuals as the male market thins and they look around and only see attractive women abound.

Hot women will pretend to love beer just to get our attention in this paradise we've envisioned.

A man can dream, right?

Check the site for more of Don’s work in the upcoming weeks!

10 Tips for Getting the Girl at Your Next Kegger

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on June 20, 2011 at 5:08 pm

Please welcome the newest addition to the Undergrad Rag staff: Buffy Beaverhausen!

Buffy is: a Junior at the University of Texas (OMG best school ever!) and is the social chair for Delta Chi Theta. Whooo! Delta Chi!

Majors in: Tourism and Hospitality Management

Area of expertise: Throwing killer, classy parties, and making all the boyz work for it J

You can contact Buffy by: Opening some watermelon vodka anywhere in TX!

If you’re not in college, odds are you don’t enjoy the wild fun and socially acceptable whore-ish behavior that is the hallmark of any good keg party. It is a rare, beautiful thing that only happens in fraternity basements and trash strewn backyards. The only thing that can make a kegger lame is a drooling mouth-breather like, totally invading your space. So, with that in mind, here are some helpful hints to turn perverts into players:

1) You might have to accept the fact that you’re ugly – Don’t be sad about it, lots of people are ugly. I mean, not me, buts lots of other people are. Just remember that it is not an insurmountable obstacle. Countless celebrities have totally traded in the classical ideal of “Beauty” for the more universally appealing “Sexy.” Lady Gaga, David Caruso (CSI Miami), Katy Perry, James Spader (the asshole in that movie “Jade”), even Ernest Borgnine.

WHAAAAAA! Dun! Dun!...to be fair though, anyone looks sexy after an entrance to The Who

They all know it’s not how you look, but the way you present yourself. It also helps to have, like, a shit load of cash and nice clothes…but presentation is key is what I’m saying. So just remember, at a kegger, you are whoever you present yourself to be. Keep reading to find out how to neutralize your hideous appearance.

2) No one wants to talk to you – Once again, try not to take this too personally honey. The guests at these functions aren’t exactly the wine and cheese crowd, no one will be discussing politics unless they spent the last three hours doing coke in the upstairs bedroom and they accidentally get into a conversation with a mirror. If people wanted to talk we wouldn’t need a keg, industrial sized speakers, and enough liquor to drown a horse (which, as we found out one night, is a lot more liquor then you would think).

Not the place for a soul searching discussion.

So to all the hipsters: I don’t care who your favorite author is, and no I don’t think the music here is lame. To all the frat boys: I don’t want to hear about the new sorority “I Felta Thi” and maintain a distance of at least two feet at all times because you smell like you bathed in Aqua Velva and Whiskey. To all the mouth breathers: Give up. Go home. We won’t dance, we won’t kiss, and odds are no one will have sex with you for quite some time.

3) Dancing is for those who can dance – If you can dance, that is freaking awesome. There are like no guys who really know how to dance anymore, it should really set you apart. However, be realistic about your skill level. If you amble up behind me and just start jean-humping, I’m going to pour my drink on you. Try coming up to the girl of your interest and actually dance facing her, with some space in between your bodies. Once you’ve proven you can keep a beat and look like you know what you’re doing, the odds increase in your favor like a million percent. Also, if you can break dance, do the robot, or any other specialty dancing that requires only one person, keep that shit to a minimum. People will form a circle so you can bust a move once, maybe twice, in a night. After that you just look like a douche bag.

This guy is cool for the first five minutes. Then he usually runs out of moves.

4) Creepers never go home with anyone – This really shouldn’t require any further explanation. For anyone who has ever been to a college party, let me ask you a question. You know that guy who spends the whole night leering at dancing girls, occasionally attempting to dance with them only to get rejected again and again? Of course you do, there is at least one at every party. No one has ever had sex with that guy. It, like, just never ever worked. If you want to go to a party, don’t go alone, it automatically make you that guy. Have someone to talk to and drink with, or stay home and play WoW.

The only female entity that will waste time on you.

5) Grinding is not an introduction – We touched on this before in the dancing portion, but this is important to remember if you ever want to share your bed with me, or anyone as stunningly gorgeous as I am. Grinding is not a way to say “hello,” it’s the precursor to making out, which is the precursor to…you know. Wait for the woman to initiate the grind, trust me, its not subtle guys. You’ll know we want to do it when we plant our butt right onto your crotch. Until then, assume we don’t. ‘Cause even if you’re hot, starting with the grind is usually a deal breaker.

6) Jungle Juice is for the ladies – Frats may be mostly comprised of knuckle dragging gym jockeys who would sooner hit you with a car then respect your feelings (sorry, I just had a rough break up), but they know how to cater to their female party goers. Beer is for you, guys. Liquor is for all of us. Jungle Juice/Punch/Fruity soda mixed with Everclear (whatever you want to call it), is for the ladies. Beer makes us bloated, and doesn’t get us drunk fast enough to blame all our bad decisions on it. If you are drinking the Jungle Juice it says two distinct things about you: 1) You are a pussy who can’t handle the taste of real alcohol and 2) You have basically taken a drink away from the female population at the party, which means you are so stupid you don’t grasp the correlation between drunk women and your chances of getting laid.

7) You can guess a girl’s intentions by what she is wearing – This isn’t rocket science guys. If you see someone in a SCUBA outfit you don’t think “leisurely stroll through the desert.” So you shouldn’t see a girl in a cardigan sweater and jeans and think “Oh, she wants it. She wants it bad.” The girl in the mini-skirt and the tube top is looking for action. The girl with the long pants and thick top probably just got dragged out by her friends. The only thing she wants is to have some tea and go to bed, not your penis. Side Note: Halloween has slightly different rules. Any girl who dresses as the sexy version of a profession that is not typically sexy (Ninja, Prison Guard, Garbage man), should be singled out. These girls are like sooo desperate they are looking for a sultry outfit so odd it is also a conversation starter. Go for the gold boys. On the other hand, girls who show up in anything not skimpy, that took time to make, and is a pop culture reference from your childhood (Transformers, Joe Camel, non-sexy Ninja Turtle) should be avoided. They will not give it up in one night.

You either have, will, or currently are having sex with this girl. The odds are that good.

8.) Being drunk does not make you any more appealing – Most men think that when a woman is drunk, her inhibitions and her standards are lowered, making it possible for someone like you to actually sleep with them. Here is a little secret though, alcohol doesn’t simply make us unaware of our decisions, the right amount of alcohol just gives us the ability to write off stupid decisions on the “I was drunk” pretext. So if you see a girl getting a bit tipsy, don’t think her vodka goggles are going to do you any favors. If you see a girl who is on the verge of blackout drunk and you move in, not only are you a horrible human being who should be, like, castrated, but your chances of getting puked on are super high.

9) A note on facial hair – Only grow it if it looks complete and full. End of story. Nothing sours a deal quicker then running my hand over a guys face and feeling something that resembles pubic hair. Oh, and the only people who just have mustaches are firemen, cops, gay club owners, and Freddie Mercury.

He made it look so good, he just set the bar way too high for anyone else.

10) Beware of social media – If we meet up, dance, kiss and part ways…play it cool fellas.  If I wake up the next morning and you have already requested to be my friend on Facebook, are following me on twitter, and want to connect on LinkedIn, you just totally ruined your chances. Wait a week and “stumble” into me at the next party. A girl still likes to be wooed from time to time, and Prince Charming rides a white steed, not a gray Ethernet cable.

Check in for more articles from Buffy in the next few weeks!

Evangelism Barred from Universities; Regarded as a “Buzz Kill”

In Campus Politics, Student Issues on June 15, 2011 at 1:04 am

Christianity took yet another hit among youth this past week when 30 colleges across the country effectively barred any evangelistic group from preaching, recruiting, or demonstrating on university property. Though the ban will most likely be ruled as a violation of 1st amendment rights and eventually overturned, many school officials see it as a brief moral victory.

The movement was spearheaded by Lane University President Diane Lottman, who had received a sizable amount of negative feedback from her student body in regards to the Christian Evangelists that littered the campus on any given day.

Lottman had expressed a personal distaste for the demonstrators as well stating “I have no problem with anyone who wants to stand on the corner and hand out a bible, or quietly mention to me that I have a home in Christ should I choose to accept him. It’s the yelling that gets to me. I’m just trying to make my way between administrative buildings most days and on three distinct parts of campus I hear all this hootin’ and hollerin’ that is so vitriolic it makes my stomach turn. We should all be able to get where we need to go without having to dodge pictures of aborted fetuses or side-step people in cowboy hats screaming about how God hates homosexuals.”

Pictured: The people that Christ chose to represent his will on Earth. Clearly.

Lottman is the solitary university administrator willing to make a public statement against evangelical demonstrations, but she is clearly not alone in her convictions. The other 29 institutions maintain that they are merely responding to student input, and that they feel the presence of too many evangelical groups is “distracting, divisive, and a major bummer.’

While most religiously minded demonstrations at college campuses are non-invasive, regular interruptions of daily life have started to occur at college campuses. Temple University has its own resident evangelist, who has posted up outside Paley Library for several years.

While the 45 year old demonstrator wishes to remain anonymous, he describes his method of proselytizing as a ‘visual and auditory celebration of our Lord. A combination of the Good Word, and art inspired by religious fervor.” The student population tends to refer to him as ‘That guy who shouts scripture at us on the way to class, and paints nonsensical stick figures.”

Don't be drawn in by the temptation of hot stick-on-stick action

Students, like Temple Junior Tom Bartlett, tend to be apathetic at best toward the roving groups of evangelists that spring up in various parts of campus. They are rarely regarded with hatred, but rather as an annoyance because they force the students to actually examine their hedonistic lifestyle.

“I have no problem with religion, you know?” said Tom Bartlett. “I just kind of put all my eggs in this atheist basket though, and I really don’t like to be reminded that if I’m wrong its going to mean eternal hellfire, boiling lava…and I imagine that there would also be a non-stop loop of the movie ‘Encino Man’ playing too.”

There is a special circle of Hell reserved for Pauly Shore.

Colgate University Senior Becky Kahn also feels ambivalence toward the evangelical sects on her college campus. Kahn, whose mother is Jewish, says that while the groups are never overtly prejudiced, the inherent bigotry is strongly implied.

“It’s one thing not to follow Jesus,” said Kahn, “Its quite another thing to be told you straight up killed the guy. If a Roman centurion walked through their demonstration, then I could understand them accusing him. I clearly wasn’t there, and if I was, I definitely wouldn’t have killed Jesus. I mean long hair, good beard, six-pack abs, liked to wear sandals; he looked like a lot of the guys I am currently going to school with…I probably would have asked him out before I tortured and killed him.”

The Savior of Man, and the Sultan of Sultry

The Evangelical groups are naturally upset by their exclusion at some campuses, but since they can’t protest at the schools themselves, they are forced to intensify their efforts on other campuses. Oddly enough, their increased presence at the schools that still allow them has only hurt their position amongst the students because, to quote UPenn sophomore Glenn Hurley, “They’re everywhere now like flies on shit. Also, they are protesting not being able to protest right? That’s dizzying logic.”

The members of these evangelical groups refuse to have there fervor dampened, and blame the ban on the unsavory elements of society. As Harold Carte, leader of Evangelical Students United (ESU) put it, “Colleges are Satan’s Prep School, where young men and women not only learn about, but actively participate in, the worst sins mankind can commit. Those that reject our message are under a trance induced by the Dark Prince. It’s the only plausible explanation.”

The horns may say "evil" but the monocle screams "classy"

Drexel Freshman and ESU member Shelley Catagnus isn’t going to let a few naysayers shake her religious conviction either, and eagerly awaits ESU’s day in court.

“With the Lord on our side, it doesn’t really matter what any earthly court has to say, but I’m sure they’ll see the light and find in our favor. Until then, it is up to the devout to continue our mission. I will not be deterred. I will yell my religious beliefs at people until they see the error of their sex-crazed, drug-fueled, self-satisfying lifestyle.”

Cinco de Mayo: Is it More Than Just a Rationalization to Get Drunk?

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on May 6, 2011 at 2:34 pm

4 out of these 5 men have horrible VD

On the fifth of May every year, English speaking students gather for a fun-filled night of margaritas, sombreros, Corona with lime, and a myriad of other regrettable decisions. For many it will mark the emergence of summer and the end of finals. For many more, it will be yet another blurred remembrance punctuated only by the fact that they wake up with half a mariachi band in their bed and severe burning south of the border.

But is it possible that this random day with an amusingly ethnic name is more than a frat boy’s last stab at drunken poon, or a slutty girl’s last chance before the school year ends to blame a foursome on jumbo margaritas? While our basic human instincts would assume that a holiday could not hope to reach loftier heights, this is not the case. As two minutes on Wikipedia (a site only useful for last-minute plagiarism when you don’t even care if it’s right) will tell you, it is actually a legitimate holiday!

We can hear the letters to the editor now: “But guys, it’s a Mexican holiday. This is America; a place where kidnappings are far less frequent, our meals are not countless variations of the same four ingredients (beans, rice, corn, and low-grade beef), and apparently, the colors of our flag never run together in the wash. Why should we give a shit what anyone in Mexico does?”

Well for starters, the holiday isn’t the same depending on where you are. In America, the fifth of May is a day to celebrate Mexican heritage. We can act like that doesn’t matter – and for the most part, we will – but is that really fair? We treat Columbus Day with at least a minimal amount of reverence. Even African Americans get the month of February without turning it into a four-week drinking binge. Granted, we only observe Columbus Day because we fear the Italians will knee-cap us, and we did manage to convince African Americans that celebrating them for the shortest month of the year will heal wounds that are centuries old.

This also goes a long way. If not, well they're just being greedy at that point.

However, at least we make the effort to pretend. While we may not identify with our Mexican brethren every day, there is a solid reason for us joining hands with our fellow swarthy citizens on May 5th.

In Mexico, the purpose of the holiday is to celebrate the victory of General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguin over a French force double the size in the year 1862. That’s right, while America was having its “Family Feud” that took the form of mass slaughter, the Mexicans were still repelling European invaders.

To make it doubly impressive, the French army was considered the best army in the world at the time. If you’re saying to yourself “Hold on a minute, the French? The people who were basically a nation of fops for the better part of two hundred years? The same people who got steam rolled by Germany so fast they didn’t have time to pack away their beret and finish their cigarette before Hitler was dancing on the Arc de Triomphe?”

Yep, they are the same smelly, rude (in case it’s unclear, I do not care for the French), frog eating Europeans I’m referring to. They actually have a proud military tradition dating back a thousand years, and when they were facing the Mexicans, they weren’t known for their coffee and whores. They were known for kicking ass.

These were the Rambos of 19th century Europe

 

When the 4,000 poorly equipped Mexicans beat 8,000 Frenchmen armed to the teeth, it was a major boost for the Mexican resistance. Granted, a year later the French marched in 30,000 troops and captured Mexico’s capital, in what had to be the snootiest  conquest ever.

Enter America. Since the North and South were done having their slap fight, the U.S. could take the time out of its day to come in and whoop some French butt. We didn’t cotton to the idea that the only reason the French invaded Mexico was to use it as a base to back the Confederacy, so we came in and helped the Mexicans rise up again. In 1865 The French Emperor of Mexico, Maximilian I, was executed, ruining his favorite powdered wig in the process.

To sum up Cinco de Mayo celebrates the day that a Mexican David beat a French Goliath, and bought America enough time to finish its war before the French could get involved. While the victory is not really about America, we should be grateful for the bravery of 4,000 under equipped Mexican fighters, many of whom were not even professional soldiers.

So every day this year, lets us join hands with our brothers to the south and sing a common refrain that can resonate with all of us:

Fuck the French.

Student Services Creates Department of Incompetence

In Student Issues on July 12, 2010 at 10:24 pm

"Ha ha! My clerical error and general incompetence set you back two years and cost you ten of thousands of dollars! Ha!"

Temple University unveiled the official headquarters of its newly created Department of Incompetence, (DOI) adjacent to its student services building at the corner of Berks Mall and Montgomery Avenue. The building has been tentatively named the “Center for Administrative Incompetence” (the name is still passing through bureaucratic channels before it is approved). Although the building has been in the conceptual stage for many years now, clerical errors, budgeting mistakes, and union conflicts have delayed its completion for almost seven years.

During the ribbon cutting ceremony (which was delayed because the over-sized scissors didn’t arrive on time), the Department’s Director, Annie Everhart, spoke of the way the new center would streamline the college’s frustrating incompetence.

“Before today, a student would have his course credits miscalculated by the advisors, but would have his transcript lost by the registrar. Those days are now gone. In this building we’ve brought together our most absent-minded staff, least reliable advisors, and non-English speaking administrative assistants to condense our spastic, half-assed attempts at administrative support into one infuriating package.”

Temple staff hopes that with less of their day appropriated to fielding and solving student complaints, they can spend time with more constructive endeavors, like yanking someone’s financial aid without notifying them or screwing up their online account so they can’t register for classes on time.

Ms. Everart highlighted some of the services that the DOI will provide for its student’s:

  1. You’ve Graduated! – Syke! – This new service fools the student into thinking they’ve complete the appropriate amount of credits to graduate, have them invite family from across the country to watch them graduate, then provide them with a last minute note informing them of a “clerical” error and that they didn’t graduate at all.
  2. Is this your course? – We post a course that no longer exists onto the online registration directory. We make it look easy enough that it gets high enrollment, but put it at an odd time so students have to adjust their schedule around it. Then, we tell them the course no longer exists.
  3. What transcript? – Our student’s need their transcript to do pretty much anything beyond the control of our Soviet style support staff, so we lose their transcript. If we’re receiving it from another school, it never came. If you’re sending it another school, we never got your request to send it.

 

Everhart stressed that the center exists for the convenience of staff, but for students as well. “We want our students to be able to take the convenience of the DOI with them,” said Everhart, pulling out an 18 inch, black rubber dildo, “If they want to simulate the problem solving convenience and stress free environment of the DOI with them, they can take this and insert it violently into their rectum.”

Non conformists withdraw support from Obama

In Campus Politics, Student Issues on July 8, 2010 at 9:12 pm

They're so unique, they all look the same.

White House Pollsters have been in a flurry this week as a disturbing new trend threatens to undermine President Obama’s appeal to the youth of the nation. Over the past month, and more markedly within the last week, Obama’s staff noticed a sharp decline in Hipster support for Obama. At first, the pollsters didn’t know how to interpret the data. Undergrad Rag spoke with polling coordinator Rod Rexely about the anomalies.

“Well at first we didn’t know how to look at the data, we couldn’t imagine we were losing the youth market,” said Rexely. “So we went back to the source and tried to figure out where it was coming from.” After Rexely and staff looked at where the drop in support was geographically they noticed a few common threads.

“We couldn’t help but notice that a lot of the negative polling came from establishments that hosted amateur poetry nights, areas where most if not all of the residents ride road bikes, and where sarcastic and ironic t-shirts were sold in bulk,” Rexely said. “It was amazing to note that the tighter the average person’s jeans were, the more sour the feedback became.”

It wasn’t long before Rexely derived a conclusion and realized Hipsters were the cause of dipping support. Analysts everywhere were baffled at the decline though considering the massive swell of support shown by Hipsters during the election. Virtually no other demographic could be counted on to so consistently volunteer for canvassing, to put stickers on every conceivable object, or obnoxiously impose their views on non-believers. Former campus campaign coordinator Todd Whitehead also expressed disbelief at the sudden drop in Hipster support.

“I mean, these people were Obama machines. They didn’t just support Obama, they despised everyone else. I can’t be certain but I think I walked into a group of them burning an effigy of Palin. Without them, we wouldn’t have been able find the necessary amount of people to stand at every college campus, shamelessly soliciting support for Barack and dismissing the views of others.”

Knowing it was the Hipsters was only half the battle though, the real question was why. Rexely and his staff formulated their own theory.

“We call it the ‘Non-Conformist effect’ and it revolves around the Hipsters’ illusion that they must always be on the cutting edge of what’s popular,” said Rexely. “It works on a simple ratio system. For every two people in the general public that like something, there is at least one Hipster who is required to hate that thing. For example, let’s say a band is on the indie scene and 100 Hipsters buy the CD. When the band gets picked up by a record label and starts to actually make money, 100 members of the general public buy their CD. Now, only about 50 of the original 100 Hipsters will find it socially acceptable to like that band anymore.”

As Rexely explains, Obama’s decline in support can be attributed to the fact that so many more people like him now. Knowing the problem, the solution is to make Obama less popular than he once was.

“Obama is too widely accepted for Hipsters, so we have to give him more of an edge. He has to be reviled by all other aspects of society. Additionally, he needs to loath Hipsters themselves to get back in their good graces. It’s a sickening cycle of pretension and disingenuousness that literally makes me want to vomit.”

Undergraduate Unaware of Economic Crisis

In Student Issues on February 5, 2010 at 12:31 am

Never having learned the value of a dollar, some students are suprised to find out that others go wanting. Incidentally, a high proportion of these students are also douchebags

It was a startling Wednesday afternoon this past week when Drexel Junior Andy Willhaukis suddenly became acutely aware of America’s current economic recession. According to Willhaukis, it was just like any other day: a lecture at 11, midday smoke with friends, and a pleasant evening of lighthearted drinking in the works. The day took a dark turn, Willhaukis said, when he went to the ATM to get money and was instead greeted with a screen that said “Insufficient Funds.”

            “I had never seen that before, I thought something was wrong with the teller machine, so I went to another…then another, then another. They all just kept saying the same thing,” Willhaukis lamented, “those same two words just staring back at me. Mocking me.”

            Unsure of what to make of the whole ordeal Andy assumed that someone was playing an elaborate prank on him. After confirming the card was indeed his and he was not being “Punk’d” or any some such business, he called his parents. What he received was a rude awakening.

“They told me that my account was empty because I had spent all the money. When I was like ‘Helloooo…fill it up again’ they laid some guilt trip on me about how money doesn’t grow on trees. And I’m like ‘well its made of paper, so figure something out.’ They hung up on me shortly after.

“I mean, I spent the money on things I needed. Food, books, cigarettes, booze, Asian massages parlors…etc. It never ran out before and I’ve been doing the same things for three years.”

It wasn’t until Willhaukis came home raving about his parents unreasonable actions that his friend, Fred Tuck, handed him a copy of Time Magazine. Tuck readily admits that “Andy has never been the most cost-conscious person. I’m pretty sure he has totaled and bought more cars in one semester than I have in my entire life. The funny things is” Fred mused, “I know he voted for Obama, but I am almost positive it’s because he thought his wife was hot and not so he could fix any of the serious problems in the country. I distinctly remember him celebrating ‘four years of chocolate eye candy,” on election night…at least I hope he’s talking about the First Lady.”

It didn’t take more than twenty minutes browsing through the financial section of Time magazine for Willhaukis to realize the gravity of his errors. Andy had no idea the effects of the economic downfall had spread their tendrils as wide as they had. Later on he shamefully admitted that he thought the status quo would basically remain the same, “but the poor would just get poorer.”

Tuck quickly chimed in, “you weren’t too far off.”

Despite the alarming realizations, Willhaukis does not seem poised to change his behavior. “My parents will come around…I mean its just money right? How hard can it be to make?” He was promptly slapped by his roommate.

The Tenured Professor

In Student Issues, The Tenured Professor on August 29, 2009 at 6:32 am

Professor William Sinclair – Professor Sinclair is an expert in the field of Macroeconomics and has published thirty-two books on the socio-economic implications of America’s declining production in plastic trinkets and soft drinks compared with China and Taiwan. His two most notable publications have been Chinese Thumb-trap: The Slow Strangulation of American Factories, and Me Chinese, Me Play Joke: The Deadly Connection between the Economy and Soft Drinks. He is currently teaching at Harvard. He teaches one class, entitled Aggregate Economic Variables in Multinational Interrelationships. He has seven people in his class, five of whom are Asian.

The Job Market for the College Student

The young American populace finds itself in the unenviable position of having to find a job with the economy in its current state of decrepitude. As an educator, I don’t have the same concerns. As a professor with tenure the college itself would have to be reclaimed by the earth or I would have to die before I face a job security issue. I would heartily recommend this career choice to any young person without a lot of options. It’s just a simple matter of taking the GREs, getting accepted into a Graduate school, getting accepted into school for your PhD, completing your dissertation, getting a job at a major university with a tenure-track position, publishing a series of essays and books, and then getting officially accepted for tenure. Of course if you don’t get tenure you’re fired, but that’s of little consequence. If you have the money, time, and drive, it’s really the best route to go.

            However, if you don’t feel like taking the easy way out there are some other options. You could go the route of the common day laborer, but I would advise against it because it leads to calluses and the gradual degradation of the hands. If you happen to be a young and/or attractive woman, I suggest you use that to procure some form of income until the job market picks up. While I’m not advocating prostitution, I’m not admonishing it either. At the very least the world could always use another pretty face on the dance floor. I’m told Hooters waitresses have quite lucrative nights, and all they have to do is wear a low cut blouse and peddle flavored chicken wings.

            For the average male, your body might not be as marketable. You might consider this anecdote I tell my students facing post-graduation blues: When I was in my thirties I met then-President Gerald Ford. As some of you might know he was a former football player for Michigan University, but what you might not know is that even when he held office, old Gerry still had the moves. He was speaking to the secretary of the interior, Stanley K. Hathaway, and they were having a lively debate on what exactly the secretary of the interior does.

Hathaway insisted he ran the organization that oversaw the management and conservation of federally owned land, but Ford was convinced it his job was directly related to the adornment within the Oval Office. Hathaway was getting rather perturbed and as their voices reached a fevered pitch, Ford closed the space between them rapidly and took down Hathaway in a near perfect form tackle that nearly knocked him out of his wing tips. Ford sprang up from the unconscious body of Hathaway and with a primal yell exclaimed “I tell you what to do Hathy-boy, I’m the fucking President bitch.”

I tell that story for a simple reason. Gerald didn’t allow anyone to tell him what he could and couldn’t do, and that’s guidance that’s applicable to all walks of life. While I can’t deny that you might very well not know what you want to do, how to get there, or how you’re going to earn a living in an economy that’s one bad day at the stock market away from reinstituting Hoover-villes, that doesn’t mean you can feign confidence. You have the power…even if you lack the money, the will, and the home.