Undergrad Rag

Posts Tagged ‘Undergrad Rag Guest Writer’

Marijuana Hits the Media; Media Inhales

In Collegiate Health, Student Issues on July 18, 2011 at 1:33 pm

Dex Schaefer is: a junior at SkidmoreCollege, but is taking a semester off to really get in touch with the “inner Dex.”

Majors in: Philosophy major with Art History minor

Area of Expertise: Snarky social commentary

You can contact Dex by: Smoke signal, by starting a hacky sack circle, or the ambient sound of a ram’s horn blown in the desert.

            Does anybody remember that movie Reefer Madness? I’m not talking about the 2005 musical satire that makes fun of PSA announcements. I’m talking about the straight-up 1936, black-and-white, “everything your parents say is true” version of the movie. No one?

"I don't know about anything related to weed....shut up man my boss is around."

I guess anyone reading this decided to go with Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle or The Big Lebowski when given the choice flipping through On Demand. I know I would. But for those of you who aren’t familiar, it’s a film dedicated to showing the world the evils of marijuana use. It’s complete with marijuana induced murders, suicides, and insanity. It’s practically the birth place for parents who freak out on they’re newly coed kids, asking if they’ve been “doing pot”, or “smoking doobies”. The film then concludes with a character’s realization that pot has truly ruined his entire life.

“Hey Judy you sure are keen…I have an idea! Let’s smoke some pot, fornicate, and then commit ritualistic suicide! That would be the cat’s pajamas!"

           Let’s face it- marijuana has crept into the main stream, and is no longer the menace it’s been made out to be in the 30’s. What started, essentially, with Cheech and Chong in the 70s has turned into a genre of its own, affectionately and directly referred to as “Stoner Flicks”. Hell, High Times Magazine even has the Stony Awards – many of the categories being for film and television (although somehow Snoop Dogg manages to snag an award here and there too. Big suprise). Maybe it’s just that nowHollywoodreally understands its viewership. According to the MPAA (The Motion Picture Association of America), a solid 35% of the American movie-going population is people between the ages of 18-39 years old.

            Incidentally, according to US Government’s Substance Abuse and Mental Health Data Archive (SAMHDA), the same age range accounts for over 36% of adult marijuana users. According to the same data, a little over 40% of American adults do or have gotten a little friendly with the cheeba, which translates into a fairly significant increase in the number of  eye drop and cookie dough purchases. And that doesn’t even account for Europe or the hash-smokingMiddle East!

“It’s either this, or spend the whole day oppressing women.”

            Aside from a pot smoker’s inherent desire for escapism, no one is going to be popping a “special brownie” and following it up with rousing game of rough-touch football in the quad. Hell, no one even wants to get up for the remote. That in mind, Hollywood is doing what its money-grubbing execs do best- give the people what they want and preach to the choir. So, it is with this that I call upon the rest of the main stream: spend your time worrying about other things that actually hurt people. Stop putting people away for doing something that does little more than inspire them to listen to Bob Marley, watch Half Baked, and fall asleep face down in a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food. If art truly imitates life, then obviously people are blazing- and more than ever. My childhood hero, Kermit the frog once said “it’s not easy being green.” Why couldn’t it be?

“If I wasn’t high all the time, do you really think I could tolerate that bitch?”

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Sex, Drugs, Rock and Roll – Just don’t forget that birth control

In College Social Scene, Student Issues on July 15, 2011 at 12:50 pm

Briar Rose is: A sophomore at Sarah Lawrence.

Majors in: Women’s Studies with a self-created minor of Sexual Liberation

Area of Expertise: Telling “The Man” where to stick it, literally and figuratively.

You can contact Briar by: You won’t. You can’t handle Briar.

According to studies from 1950, women expect sexual encounters to be full of love and tenderness and respect.

Now, with the exception of intentionally creating a child with someone you actually care for, I want every man reading this to pay close attention:

IT’S NOT 1950 ANYMORE!

Do you caress your dick for hours surrounded by candles like Steve Carell in “The 40 Year Old Virgin?” Of course not (and if you live in a dorm, that’s going to make for an awkward conversation if your roommate walks in). 

Instead you go to pornhub.com or redtube.com or whatever free site you aren’t bored of yet and you go to town watching whores get railed while you shoot loads into the socks your mom just washed for you.

Poor bastards never knew what hit 'em...

So why is it when you get a real live girl in bed, everything is so fucking boring?

Here’s a shocker, women watch porn too. And not the Fabio bullshit we are getting from you. Now I’m not saying you should put your hands around the neck of some random woman you picked up at a bar, but seriously, how many hints do women need to drop before men get that we like it rough, dirty, and loud?

Now you may scoff, and say I am a rare breed of woman. I assure you this is not the case. My roommates and I have devised a rating system. It’s quite simple really. Just clap your hands as hard as you can. Now continue clapping that hard for, oh say, at least 20 minutes. If it doesn’t sound like that, it’s no good. A simple, yet effective scientific measurement.

Also an excellent way to trick your neighbors into believing you’re having wild sex.

Of course, while in the act, it’s best not to ask us things, like “want to change position?” First of all, you make us lose focus, and second off all, it makes you less aggressive. Pick us up, flip us over, and pretend you are actually going to the gym for a practical reason.

“I’m totally here to bang chicks and not at all to stare at dudes”

Its 2011, so fuck like the world is going to end in a year – pull some hair, slap some ass, and maybe, just maybe, the world will be a little less bitchy and a whole lot less sexually frustrated.

Smart Phones Literally Cost an Arm and a Leg

In Collegiate Health on June 29, 2011 at 1:39 pm

Written by: Don Fischer

Recently, the media has been reporting that research by WHO links cell phone use to cancer.

Contrary to popular belief, not these guys. There are things they experiment with, but phones are not one of them.

Ever since a scientist went “I think this thing emits waves,” people have tried to tie cancer to cell phones without ever getting serious backing.  News outlets would run the story, then it would fade out in a couple of days, waiting to crop up to scare people a few years later, just like Britney Spears.

"Why won’t anyone answer my calls?"

Now, the World Health Organization has come forth saying they have found a link. According to WHO, the type of radiation coming out of a cell phone is called non-ionizing, like a low powered microwave, which is known to cause cancer without proper precautions.  News outlets  immediately ran the story and old people began to look at their phones as if they were ticking time bombs.  Every demographic moved a little further from their cell phones –  like a transvestite on a subway –  with the exception of college students.

According to a report by Student Phone Usage (SPU), there was not a single dip in college student’s cell phone use.  In fact, usage seemed to go up sharply.  Researchers at SPU attributed this to a condition known as “Superman Syndrome.”  It s described as “a mindset of invincibility college students find themselves in mainly because they think they know everything, and are usually intoxicated.” SPU would later post an addendum to their report reading “Damn kids, with their rap and their energy drinks.”

"THIS. IS. SPARTA!"

A more disturbing trend was discovered: students who contracted small tumors due to high cell phone use were more willing to undergo amputations instead of putting down the phone.  One student, Lisa McMillian, has lost two fingers and part of her right ear due to cancerous cells and her inability to stop posting on Twitter.

“The doctor’s told me they found cancer in my right pointer finger and said they wanted to start chemo,” Lisa said, fully focused on her phone and never making eye contact.  “I said, shit, I don’t need that one, just take it.”

And she’s not the only one.  Jim Crinds, a junior at the University of Kansas, has a scar in his right palm from a surgery to remove a growth and is missing his left pinky finger.  We found Jim playing disk golf, texting and surfing the web between shots.

“It was playoffs and my fantasy football team was only a few points behind first place.  I figured, what’s a pinky?  When have I ever said ‘I’m really glad my pinky was there’?”

“This is the only thing a pinky is good for”

When asked if the permanent scarring and loss of appendages was worth their near slave-like obedience to their smartphones, both students were confident their sacrifice was justified.

“Worth it?” scoffed Lisa. “Look, it’s 2011.  If my friend posts on Facebook and I don’t comment in under two minutes they’re either going to send out a search party or unfriend me.  People want instant feedback on their lives; why else would I be friends with 300 people I never met?”

“What kind of question is that?” asked Jim. “If it’s draft week and someone passes on Chris Johnson in the first round, you can’t afford to be ignorant of that kind of information. Why didn’t they pick him up? Is he injured? I got to check Rotowire immediately.  You can’t sit around thinking “oh, but I might get cancer.”  It’s an old person’s worry, not mine.  I just have to–”

Then, suddenly, Jim stopped.  “Did you really just Facebook friend me mid-interview?”

A smile spread across my face, elated that he had gotten my request.   “I know, right!  High five!”  The look on his face said it all as he looked down at this pinky-less hand.

High-four just doesn’t have the same ring to it

Economic Woes Lead to Pleased Obese Women

In Student Issues on June 22, 2011 at 12:32 pm

Please welcome the newest addition to the Undergrad Rag staff: Don Fischer.

Don is: a super-super-super senior at Midway College (Go Eagles!! KAH!)

Majors in: Interdisciplinary Studies

Area of expertise: Everything.  If Don can’t do it, it doesn’t exist.  If you argue it does exist, you won’t exist.

You can contact Don by: Nothing. You can’t contact Don.  Don will contact you.

Unless you’ve spent the last three years in a gold palace, entertaining yourself by eating endangered animals from between the breasts of high class call girls, and never felt the urge to turn on the TV, then you know we are facing tough economic times.  Most of us have felt it: we’ve cut back on going out, we’ve switched to generic brands, and we’ve stopped paying for all that premium porn.(insert picture of ugly porn actress)  But a more recent study has found another startling revelation: economic woes are a sexual gold mine for obese women all over the United States.

"Tag team. You go first"

When researchers sat down and studied the dating scene now, compared to before the economic collapse, they found that men are actually more attracted to obese women during financially stressful times.  The reason is quite simple: fat chicks don’t need as much and tend to give up more.  The expensive $80 dinner at Cheesecake Factory with the hot blond on the third floor in the hopes she gives it up, is no longer a necessity for some hot poon. Instead take a chubbier girl out for a $10 McDonald’s date because porky has a hankering for a McRib (it’s only out for a limited time!!) and definite sex.

That is pure joy on her face.

Beyond that, men are getting much better sex for their money.  Another study by the Institute of Sexual Sciences found that due to overweight self-esteem issues, these girls are doing things for the guys that a more attractive woman never would (no matter how many slices of cheesecake you bought to bring home).  It would appear that the bigger women are just more inclined to satisfy their male partner, as it gives them the temporary self-esteem boost their body image can’t.  The study went even further and pointed towards the Catholic School Syndrome (CSS), which postulates that the more restricted a woman’s life as a teenager, i.e. an all-girls catholic school, the more sexually promiscuous she will be as an adult, i.e a complete freak in the sack. Larger women, even if they went to a co-ed school, suffered from CSS because their male schoolmates were going after the more slender girls.

Go with Christ my child.

What happens next is the big question.  With guys going for cheaper, more sexually adventurous obese women, there is a sharp surplus of single, sexually frustrated hot women.  This could lead to a back and forth between the two factions.  As one group is grabbed up by men, the surplus from the other will become easy pickings for single men.  Then, as that new surplus is grabbed up, the reverse will occur.  It’s simple economics at that point.  Think of it as that one time your parents divorced and they each started giving you more and more for less chores and love so you’d like them more than the other.  But with sex as a reward for switching camps.  And a lot less creepier than what just popped in your head.

Or, maybe this will lead to more hot bisexuals as the male market thins and they look around and only see attractive women abound.

Hot women will pretend to love beer just to get our attention in this paradise we've envisioned.

A man can dream, right?

Check the site for more of Don’s work in the upcoming weeks!