Undergrad Rag

“Nice” Guy Attempts to Meet Women; Consistently Finishes Last.

In College Social Scene on July 20, 2011 at 1:01 pm

For his entire life, Craig Newbert (a junior at University of Colorado) had been told by women that he is “such a nice guy.” Throughout that time period he has remained a virgin but has been reassured by his numerous female friends that the right woman will come along, and when she does, she’ll be lucky to have Craig. After 20 years however, Craig has started to doubt that the women who praise him all the time yet inexplicably remain his friends, are giving him the full story.

“I don’t get it,” said Craig. “I’m always the first one they call when there is an issue or they need a ride, but most of the times they won’t even give me a hug.”

“Psst, Craig…even though you support me during rough patches, listen to my inane stories, and I count you as one of my confidantes…I will never even throw you a pity fuck.”

Craig, like many other young men around the country, has found that personality alone may not help him land a girlfriend. As a result, many of them have agreed to participate in a new study being conducted by the College Scene Census (CSC). The study’s lead research scientist, Anthony Tong, clarified the focus of the study:

“Our goal is not to explain why nice guys finish last,” said Tong. “We already know why. If the only adjective a girl can use to describe you is ‘nice’ or ‘funny’ that should be your first tip-off that you’re not really that interesting. There are plenty of funny, nice people in the world – women don’t necessarily want to sleep with them. Nor are we here to examine why it appears women like jerks. That is a tired cliché, and less grounded in reality than the Easter Bunny. If all women liked the same things, department stores wouldn’t need to be the size of small towns, bridal registries wouldn’t be 200 pages long, and we wouldn’t have lesbian porn.

That’s good, that’s good. Now smell her hair.

 “Thankfully, women are just as diverse as the men they pursue. Our goal in bringing these young men in is to see if we can disabuse them of the notion that the poor taste of women is the sole reason they’re forever alone. Hopefully with the right coaching, they can learn to be more engaging and how to navigate the immensely complex and nonsensical taste women have in men.”

One of the first things the test subjects will learn is how to stay out of the friend-zone, a lonely desolate place reserved for men who have the balls to talk to a girl, but not enough to actually ask her out. Once in the friend-zone, there are few escape options and the poor spineless saps must endure years of being the designated driver during girl’s nights out, listening to the woman complain about her friends, and getting introduced to the men that the woman has decided to date instead of them.

“I want you to meet my boyfriend, Harry. He runs a convenience store and has an awesome van!”

            Another item on the study’s agenda is to help Craig and men like him realize that longing for a girl from afar is not the same as pursuing said girl. Despite the fact they often assume they are, Tong and his team has confirmed that women are, in fact, NOT mind readers. Standing next to a girl, staring at a girl, or digitally stalking a girl will never be able to replace the efficiency of actually talking to a girl. As part of their reconditioning, the test subjects have been dropped off at a bar and will not be allowed to leave until they have started a conversation with at least two women.

As Tong feared in his initial assessment of the group of thirty men, only five have been able to leave in the past three days. Tong has reported the remaining twenty-five are growing weak from lack of food and sleep, yet will not stop twirling their beer and stealing furtive glances at women across the bar. Tong holds little hope for their survival.

“I may be hallucinating from malnutrition, but I’m pretty sure that bar-stool is eye-fucking me…I’m going in.”

            The final hurdle for the study group will be emotionally damaging, but Tong and the rest of his team view the final step as vital to making the subjects self-aware. “While it will be painful for them to hear,” said Tong, “we will have to address the fact that despite what women tell them, looks – not humor – play the most vital role in attracting and keeping women. You’ll notice when men like the ones in this study complain about their female troubles, they’ll usually describe themselves as ‘nice,’ ‘funny,’ ‘intelligent,’ ‘caring,’ etc. Never has a man objectively described himself as a ‘stunningly handsome’ and has still complained about his inability to score. In their heart of hearts, these men know that they’re unattractive. The last step is making them deal with it.”

            So far, Craig has found the study helpful and feels he is taking positive steps. He says he can now differentiate between the women who speak to him with genuine interest as opposed to the women who use their appeal to bend him to their will. Craig no longer views his ineptitude with women as a handicap, but rather as an opportunity to grow.

            ‘Women aren’t these mythical beasts I have to trick into my bedroom,” said Craig. “Some may be manipulative or cruel. Other’s may be simple and vapid, but not all of them. If I put myself out there and get rejected, the bitch probably won’t remember me anyway, and it just makes room for a woman that’s worth my time.”

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