Undergrad Rag

Ugly People Realize They Won’t Do Better; Settle for Each Other

In Uncategorized on May 12, 2011 at 10:13 pm

It was a momentous occasion this past weekend when Drexel seniors Tom Halland and Tracy Kotter realized that they weren’t going to do any better and decided to tie the knot.

The happy couple. Good luck removing this image from your mind.

“I mean, going into college, I think we both had higher aspirations,” said Tom. “But you can’t run away from the truth forever. Not only does she make me happy, but she’s also one of the few females I’ve met in the past 23 years who will actually let me put hands on her. You can’t put a price on that.”

Tracy also views the relationship as a functional method of assuring that she doesn’t die a lonely old spinster.

“Like every little girl, I used to dream that Prince Charming would ride in with his cleft chin and rippling muscles to whisk me away to be his queen,” said Tracy with a heavy sigh. “Tom may not be Prince Charming, but we get along, we love to eat the same foods, and we tend to like the same movies. He’s more like Duke Acceptable then Prince Charming, but hey, he’s still a duke.”

Relationship counselor Dr. Matt Calhoun congratulated the couple on their capitulation to the harsh whip of reality. After being in the profession for over twenty years, he said he finds a certain amount of satisfaction in seeing people find a measure of happiness with someone they can actually attain.

“A lot of people will wander through life, trying to find someone beautiful that will help them mitigate the way they feel about their own hideous appearance,” said Dr. Calhoun. “Every now and again you’ll see someone who is ugly but accomplished enough to find a trophy spouse. But people tend to forget the sheer amount of wealth and power required to make a beautiful person forget your grotesque appearance. Henry Kissinger had to be one of the most powerful men in the world before he could bed Jill Saint John.

She was a MENSA member also considered one of the most beautiful women in the world. They were happily married for the rest of their lives. Can you believe that shit?

“What is really encouraging is that young people are starting to give up hope and settle a lot earlier then they used to. You would think the societal emphasis on beauty would make ugly people more obstinate in their attempt to find someone beautiful both inside and out. However, we are finding the opposite to be true. It would seem ugly people are having their souls and sense of self-worth crushed earlier and earlier, making it easier for them to stomach the sight of a deformed spouse for the rest of their life.”

Tracy and Tom are thrilled about their upcoming nuptials, as are their parents, who assumed their children would die alone in a darkened room, unloved and uncared for.

“We’re just ecstatic,” said Tracy’s mother, Holly Kotter. “The teenage years were the hardest, when we kept having to lie and tell her she was beautiful just to keep her spirits up. Now it doesn’t even need to come up in conversation.”

"Well I don't know why more boys don't ask you to dances... have you tried putting out? That'll probably increase your chances."

Tom father, Gary echoed that sentiment when he told us “Oh geez, what a load off. My wife and I really didn’t want him in the basement playing World of Warcraft for the rest of his life. Plus, now we can look forward to grandchildren! Granted, yes, those kids will probably be as ugly a sin, but we’ll take what we can get.”

  1. People are drawn to what they know, be it ugly, overweight, or downright stupid. But here’s my qualm with this piece. You are suggesting we abandon all hope of a prince charming. How can you not realize that what you perceive as settleing could in fact be perfect matchmaking. That maybe you just can’t see that the guy from science class really does understand that girl and that he makes her laugh like no one else and that their connection really is more than skin deep. So I challenge you to be less shallow, less judgemental, and to remember, ugly people need lovin too (they just have to pay).

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