Undergrad Rag

Internet Causes Steep Decline in Male “Game”

In Uncategorized on May 9, 2011 at 6:26 pm

"Whoa! I just asked if you wanted to have sex!"

A college education is an integral part of a young person’s professional and personal development. The lessons learned within class and outside of it are crucial in shaping who we are, and who we hope to be.

At least that’s what we tell loved ones and potential employers. According to the newest study by the College Scene Census (CSC), the largest portion of time and effort in a college career is dedicated to sexual gratification. The CSC determined that slightly less than half the college experience is spent having sex, pursuing sex, or manipulating one’s self to the thought of a possible sexual conquest. The report breaks down the percentage of time as follows:

  • 45% of a student’s time is spent in the pursuit or participation of sexual activity.
  • 25% of a student’s time is spent in class or preparing for class.
  • 15% of a student’s time is spent under the influence of intoxicants.
  • 10% of a student’s time is spent getting snacks and more intoxicants
  • 5% of a student’s time is spent inventing family members to kill off so they can skip class.


For researchers like Dr. Caldwell, these figures are not particularly surprising, but a closer look revealed some disturbing trends. Typically, the amount of time freshman males spend masturbating is disproportionate to the time spent having sex. However, when the CSC looked at this demographic they noticed self gratification was on the rise.

“We all expect the masturbation numbers to be high,” said Caldwell, “I mean, no one in this office is surprised. But we expect to see a little more balance between masturbation and sex. The numbers indicate a problem with younger males and their ability to woo the opposite sex with wine coolers and their ability to play the acoustic guitar.”

They also write poetry and sing in a high, piercing tenor

As the CSC explained in their report, “The increased availability of pornography has taken away the necessity of human contact for sexual gratification and given younger males a false perception of the circumstances that lead to intercourse.”

Caldwell would go on to explain that with the influx of free pornography the younger males are being exposed to ludicrous plot lines and non-sequiturs that lead to unrestrained desire and frenzied sex.

“We have an entire generation of young men who believe that women are sex fiends who order pizza with extra big sausage, find plumbers sexually appealing, and never question a doctor who tells them the cure for their cough is to perform fellatio on him. When these men are presented by women who actually display independent thought and don’t constantly speak in poorly concealed innuendo, they don’t know how to react.

This never happens. Ever.

“Right now this is isolated, but we can’t afford to overlook the power of free pornography. The young male mind is prone to impulse and over indulgence. We have to ensure we don’t shape a generation of mustachioed misogynists.”

  The CSC is starting to promote awareness of this growing in college dorms with their new “Hos before Pros” campaign. The campaign aims to wean young men off their fantasy worlds and get them grounded again in standard drunken debauchery. Dr. Caldwell and others give speeches to freshman classes about the importance of learning how to court a member of the opposite sex.

“The skills we use to woo women are transferrable to many important walks of life,” said Caldwell. “What more are job interviews then a first date with business attire? Sincerity, truthfulness, and caring are all emotions that men learn how to masterfully fake, but only after years of trying to convince women to bed them. These skills are needed for success in and out of the bed. Hopefully this will give young men a reason to pull up their pants and put away the Kleenex.”

They're also good for your tears.


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