Undergrad Rag

Student Services Creates Department of Incompetence

In Student Issues on July 12, 2010 at 10:24 pm

"Ha ha! My clerical error and general incompetence set you back two years and cost you ten of thousands of dollars! Ha!"

Temple University unveiled the official headquarters of its newly created Department of Incompetence, (DOI) adjacent to its student services building at the corner of Berks Mall and Montgomery Avenue. The building has been tentatively named the “Center for Administrative Incompetence” (the name is still passing through bureaucratic channels before it is approved). Although the building has been in the conceptual stage for many years now, clerical errors, budgeting mistakes, and union conflicts have delayed its completion for almost seven years.

During the ribbon cutting ceremony (which was delayed because the over-sized scissors didn’t arrive on time), the Department’s Director, Annie Everhart, spoke of the way the new center would streamline the college’s frustrating incompetence.

“Before today, a student would have his course credits miscalculated by the advisors, but would have his transcript lost by the registrar. Those days are now gone. In this building we’ve brought together our most absent-minded staff, least reliable advisors, and non-English speaking administrative assistants to condense our spastic, half-assed attempts at administrative support into one infuriating package.”

Temple staff hopes that with less of their day appropriated to fielding and solving student complaints, they can spend time with more constructive endeavors, like yanking someone’s financial aid without notifying them or screwing up their online account so they can’t register for classes on time.

Ms. Everart highlighted some of the services that the DOI will provide for its student’s:

  1. You’ve Graduated! – Syke! – This new service fools the student into thinking they’ve complete the appropriate amount of credits to graduate, have them invite family from across the country to watch them graduate, then provide them with a last minute note informing them of a “clerical” error and that they didn’t graduate at all.
  2. Is this your course? – We post a course that no longer exists onto the online registration directory. We make it look easy enough that it gets high enrollment, but put it at an odd time so students have to adjust their schedule around it. Then, we tell them the course no longer exists.
  3. What transcript? – Our student’s need their transcript to do pretty much anything beyond the control of our Soviet style support staff, so we lose their transcript. If we’re receiving it from another school, it never came. If you’re sending it another school, we never got your request to send it.

 

Everhart stressed that the center exists for the convenience of staff, but for students as well. “We want our students to be able to take the convenience of the DOI with them,” said Everhart, pulling out an 18 inch, black rubber dildo, “If they want to simulate the problem solving convenience and stress free environment of the DOI with them, they can take this and insert it violently into their rectum.”

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